Friend who lost pregnancy...?

Our friends we in their 5th month of pregnancy with their first child, which they had just found out they were having a boy. They were thrilled! Then all of the sudden she started having pains and was told to come in to ER. On way there her water broke and to make a long story short, she was forced to deliver they baby and he died. I have 3 kids myself and CAN NOT even imagine what they are going through. I want to reach out to them, but they have requested no cards or flowers and that they will reach out when they are ready. Which I of course will respect, but at that time when they do... what do I say or do?

Friend who lost pregnancy...?
This is not an easy topic for them and it will probably never be. Just take your cues from her. I have lost quite a few babies and my second one I had to deliver the baby knowing that it had died also. Talk about about being depressed and sad.



Things you should say:

Do call her and tell her you are sorry for her loss.

Do send her a card or flowers to show you care

Do let her talk as much as she needs to or wants to.

Do give her a hug to let her know you care.

Do offer to help with housework, babysitting or other things that she may not feel up to doing. Do acknowledge her baby.

It is okay to say I don’t know what to say or I don’t know how to help. Do call and check up on her. The pain does not go away in a couple days.

Give her extra attention. She needs to feel like other people care about what she is going through.

Do ask if she wants to talk about it.



Things you should not say:

It was probably for the best. At least it happened early in the pregnancy before you really got attached. It was God’s will

I understand how you feel, Even if you have had more than one miscarriage, you may not know how she is feeling.

It was only one miscarriage.

I know a friend that had such and such miscarriages and she has children now.

It was nature’s way of getting rid of defective chromosomes.

At least you have one child

I don’t understand why you are so upset.

Maybe you should consider adoption, not having children.

Don’t not talk about it. Don’t avoid her.

Don’t try to cheer her up. She probably doesn’t want to be cheered up and by doing this you are not acknowledging her pain.

It may be difficult for her to be around children or pregnant women. Be understanding and sympathetic. But don’t avoid being around her if you are pregnant or have children.



I can not tell you how a few people have said things like this to me and "oh well you have one child already be thankful for that one" The worst thing to say, I think, is "don't worry, you can always have another" = because you don't want another - you wanted THIS BABY. People can be cruel and dont seem to understand that a baby is a baby weather in your stomach or in your arms. Give her some time and space and let her approach you. But at the same time, watch her cause the last thing you want is to have her become depressed.



If she does get pregnant again, don’t dismiss her anxiety by saying things like lots of women have spotting, cramping, etc. Be optimistic but acknowledge her fears.



Take her for a special girls day out and just do something FUN to take her mind off of the situation, when she feels healed up.



I found these for you:

http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/he...

http://www.babycenter.com/search/showRes...

http://www.silentgrief.com/articles/inde...

http://www.bellaonline.com/subjects/6509...

http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/preg...

Some nice websites:

http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/

http://www.october15th.com/

http://www.hannah.org/resources/loss.htm

http://www.empty-cradles.com/

http://www.infantandchildloss.org/

http://www.angelbabiesinheaven.net/

Again be sure to watch her for depression.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/healthinformatio...

http://www.mandysdepression.com/miscarri...

You might be interested in these:

http://www.hopexchange.com/InformationAr...

http://www.babyzone.com/loadpage/article...

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_b/002-... You might consider maybe getting her a few books to read. Amazon has some good ones. I had a friend get me a few and I wasnt happy at first when she gave them to me but later I read them and can't thank her enough.

You are already being a good friend by coming here and seeing what you can do for her. Just give her a little bit of time.



Good luck and her and her family and you are in my prayers.
Reply:Just respect it as you said you do. Just tell them God wanted the child. And it most not be the right time in there life to have a baby.
Reply:just give them your love and support, make sure they know you will always be there for them.



at some point they may become sour because you have beautiful children, and they lost theirs, but it will fade.



just be a friend, and let them comfort eachother until they need you there.





WHAT THE HELL YOU STUPID ***** ABOVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply:I had a baby die at 5 months too - well - I was 5 months - but the baby had already died inside me about a month earlier. I am upset reading your story. That is so sad. It was for me over 3 years ago but you never really get over it - I still cry sometimes about the little one I never got to hold or love. My husband tells me when I die and go to heaven my baby will run to me and say "Mommy"!!

My best friend only has one child and desperately wanted another. She finally fell pregnant with twins and they both died when she was 4 months pregnant. It is a very hard thing to deal with.

I thought I could never, ever cope with something like that, but you do, and you go on.

Lots of people sent me cards and I didn't want any. But you know what, they were actually really appreciated. Not sympathy cards - but just simple plain beautiful cards, with a lovely photo or something. Simply pop one in her letterbox (don't post it) with written on the front something like "just thinking of you, open when you feel you are ready". Then you can just write a simple " Dear ...... .and ....... just a note to let you know I am thinking of you and understand how sad you must have felt to have lost your precious little baby, if you need a friend, I am here".

Some people like to be left alone to grieve for awhile. When they feel better maybe then invite them over and just give them a big hug - if they want to talk about it - ok. If not, just be a friend and have a cuppa and laugh about good things.

We have other friends whos little girl died at 5 years old last year. When she died I was so scared to phone them, I didn't know what to say - in the end I had to just face my fear and call them and I was so relieved. I sort of stammered "I'm so sorry, and told them I loved them" and then it was ok.

No-one talks about miscarriages or still births until you have one and then you find out you are not the only one! I wish I had known that before I had mine!

I have had another baby since then, a dear little girl who is now 18 months old. It is a joy and I love her dearly. But I will never forget my lost baby.
Reply:give them hugs and love them and tell them it will be ok. that's all you can do. unfortanately, time heals wounds, not friends. Be there for them. Make them laugh when they are sad and be a shoulder to cry on. That will help more than anything...being a leaningpost of life. my sympathies...
Reply:This is really sad for your friend. I know someone who has also been through this. You just have to let them know that you are there for them and if they need anything they can come to you. I am not a parent but i cant even start to imagine how it would feel losing a child. So you friend will speak to you when the time is right and when she feels she is ready to ...not move on...but to deal with people asking about how she is feeling and everything like that. So just keep tight and make sure she knows you are there for her
Reply:This happened to me at 6 months of pregnancy...I went for a check up and they found out we had lost our baby who was also a little boy. It took us a very long time to recover...we were destroyed. Alot of people didn't know how to deal with us....some friends pulled away, we knew why, they didn't know how to react and felt bad for us and we were not offended. Just tell them you will always be there for them and you love them both....and you will always be available if they need anything. There is nothing else you can do but to offer your love and support....with time they will heal to a degree....you sound like a good friend.
Reply:Give them a little while. I am sure that they are going through so much and their request is sincere. Give them some time and then contact them.
Reply:just be her friend that u ehere before that happen to her no matter what just stand by her that a good friend stand by her in the er you were in the er with her she sees you yhan afriend she trust you just pray for her when time come nobody have to tell what to say it will just come to you like that
Reply:Tell them it is going to be okay. tell them to pray for the baby soul, since god took it away from them. Find out why god is mad at them, because god have reasons for everything.
Reply:There are some times in life that there just are no words. There is nothing you can do or say that will take their pain away except to be there for them when they need to laugh, cry, scream, vent, what have you. Give them space when they need it and a hug when they need it. Just be there for whent hey are ready. This doesn't necessarily mean to walk on egg shells around them, but it does mean understanding what they went through was traumatic and scary. Just let them know that you are there. And help the mom to make sure that she really believes that this something that just sometimes happens. It is not her fault and no one blames her.



In the mean time, I know they want their space, but maybe you could cook them a meal and bring it over? Maybe offer to do laundry or simple cleaning? It will be the everyday stuff they will be neglecting...
Reply:I'm sorry to hear that your friend had a miscarriage. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. When the time comes you will know what to say. Best thing is to be there when they need to talk. I went thru this with my aunt years ago. I stayed with her the first few days she was home from the hospital and I didn't need to say anything. She came to me and I let her talk and cry on my shoulder. The best thing is to just be there.
Reply:The best thing to do is listen.

There are a few great sites on this. i would do a search on how to be there for a friend who has miscarried.

I am sorry for your friends loss and yours to. I am sure you would of spoiled the child.
Reply:Make a donation to a childrens hospital like St. Jude for them. When they are ready for cards you can tell them. You can find out from one of their family members if they would like some food sent over. Otherwise wait and be ready to be a good friend when the time comes.
Reply:nothing, only if they decide to talk about it then talk about it. I lost a baby around the same time i was 26 weeks pregnant. Just let them come around and when they do be supportive.
Reply:You don't say anything you listen
Reply:We lost our son at 4 months last year. He was our fourth child, and our first son. It was a devastating time, but my family and my husband's family all rallied around us. We had a gathering hosted by my parents and we buried an urn with his ashes, then planted a tree beside it as a living marker.



Some of our family members brought small tokens -- you can find some really nice statuettes in Hallmark stores or religious book storesthat are very appropriate.



I'm a little surprised they have shut themselves off from friends and family like that, as I wouldn't have gotten through it without everyone's support.



When they are ready, be ready to just be a friend to them. Tell them you will be there for whatever support they need. Since they worded it that way, you haven't much choice, I suppose.



I am so very sorry for their loss.
Reply:Oh wow, that's horrible...I wish I could tell you something appropriate to say but I don't have the words either. I would say respect their boundaries because they suffered a terrible loss. Once their ready to reach out...try not to bring up their loss unless they want to talk about it. I'd try to get them back into social life...help them have fun again...make it as easy as possible to feel normal and move on again.



Ren Brown you are a heartless disgusting human being. I hope your account is suspended...people come here with real problems and need people who care and understand....you are a FAILURE
Reply:Wow your a *****! ( chick above me ) I honestly don't know what to say. I guess i would wait for them to have time together. I have never had this happen before, but i'm sure it's really really hard. Seem to be the only thing i can think about with my pregnancy. But Everything happens for a reason, and i hope things work out with your friend, and you. GOod luck :)

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