What do you think about my short story?

My Grandmother…







”Lucy Pearl” was her name.











I remember her face like it was yesterday.







1983.



It was summertime in Galveston, Texas.



As usual it was hot as hell, and humid enough to drown.



I pedaled my rickety, hand-me-down bike two hours to the hospital to see her that day. She had been there for about a month or so, and my parents had been too busy to visit, so I decided to brighten her day by hand delivering some of her favorite Earl Grey tea.



The last leg of the trip was a real hustle do to the ominous black storm clouds lumbering in from the Gulf of Mexico.



I finally arrive at her hospital room sweaty, tired and undoubtedly stinky.



She was alone in a bright, cheery room with one window facing west with beams of the Texas sun piercing through light blue hospital curtains and highlighting a table full of flowers from loved ones.



No one else was there.



Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom was on the TV with the volume cranked to maximum. “My hearin’ ain’t whut it use ta be” She would always say in her broken southern dialect that I’ve tried so hard to shake all my life.



I gave her a kiss on the cheek, and said my “hellos”.



She asked me to turn the TV off.



She said,”Cottontop, You almost missed me, glad you’re here, need to talk to ya”.



I heard a bit of urgency in her voice, so I moved closer, %26amp; took her hand.



She told me “Grandma’s very proud of you”. (It’s funny how Grandma’s always refer to themselves in the third person) Then she said “ Seen ya growin’, like the direction you’re growin’ in.” She looked into my eyes, motioned for me to come closer. I can still see every wrinkle on her high cheek boned 85 year old three quarter Cherokee face. “You keep that direction” she whispered intently staring directly into my eyes. “You keep it, you hear me?” Her hand was small, and soft in mine. Soft, but leathery and weathered, the same hands that would lovingly grab my face before every bit of sage advice given with the importance of the ages. At times through my childhood, she’d put both hands on my face and turn it toward hers…”Say whatcha mean, and mean whatcha say…you hear me?”



But not this time.



There was no strength left in her hands to turn my face. She could barely turn hers.



Then she said, without speaking in the “third person”, “I’m tired, and I’m goin’ home.



You remember me, %26amp; whut I dun taughtcha, you hear me boy?’



I said “Yes ma’am”, doing my best to understand exactly what was happening.



“Yes ma’am, I remember everything”.



Still, not understanding exactly why she was telling me these things.



But I knew something was wrong because she said “I’m”.



Then she said it again.



“I’m goin’ to sleep now, but I won’t be waking up and there ain’t nuthin’ for you to be afraid of…I’ll always be with ya”.



Then, it hit me.



I’m here, with the woman who taught me about God, family, faith, honesty, integrity, hard work, charity, humility, and patience.



And she is telling me goodbye for the last time.



I thought to myself,” We’re all alone, and she is telling me goodbye for the very last time”.



It was allot for a thirteen year old to absorb.



Life changing.



I was being hit with the cold hard reality that our time here is but a blink of an eye. Just like she always said it was.



Then she said, “Goodbye Cottontop, I’ll see you when you get home”.



She lightly squeezed my hand one last time, inhaled slowly, closed her eyes, and then exhaled.



There were no more inhales.



Just hospital sounds.



And rain.



She was gone forever.















Aaron Byers



2006

What do you think about my short story?
Continue on with your writing, you have a talent. There is a few sentences that I would have not included,



I thought to myself,” We’re all alone, and she is telling me goodbye for the very last time”.



Redundancy.



Keep writing from the heart, and you will have a best seller. Your own style is better than something forced from a book. Format does need to be addressed.



I would give you a A-, only because it could have been cleaned up a little.



Otherwise, WOW!
Reply:You need to go to the library and take out a book on how to write short stories, or go buy one. Any mediocre storyline that is well written can outshine a great story that is not as well written.
Reply:she sounds like a REAL grandma. Very touching but nice.
Reply:i am sorry i didnt read it.and dont ever call it a short story...
Reply:great story! sad but touching.



one tip- check the spelling of allot- should be "a lot".



faboo!
Reply:you have a very touching and heart felt story. You have a talent if you continue to meditate on things that mean something to you. You have the ability to enhance your God givin' skill at this, just correct your spelling and sentence structure and you got it going on.! Hang in there.