I would like to send some peonies to a friend who lives in Palm Beach Florida ( I am in Europe) can you please tell me of a nearby place that delivers at home? Many thanks to all
Flower shop in Palm Beach (FL)?
Most online flower shop can deliver anywhere in the USA
Reply:ftd is us based
http://www.ftd.com/
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Can someone summarize this science article for me?
Although researchers have long agreed that girls have superior language abilities than boys, until now no one has clearly provided a biological basis that may account for their differences.
For the first time -- and in unambiguous findings -- researchers from Northwestern University and the University of Haifa show both that areas of the brain associated with language work harder in girls than in boys during language tasks, and that boys and girls rely on different parts of the brain when performing these tasks.
"Our findings -- which suggest that language processing is more sensory in boys and more abstract in girls -- could have major implications for teaching children and even provide support for advocates of single sex classrooms," said Douglas D. Burman, research associate in Northwestern's Roxelyn and Richard Pepper Department of Communication Sciences and Disorders.
Using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), the researchers measured brain activity in 31 boys and in 31 girls aged 9 to 15 as they performed spelling and writing language tasks.
The tasks were delivered in two sensory modalities -- visual and auditory. When visually presented, the children read certain words without hearing them. Presented in an auditory mode, they heard words aloud but did not see them.
Using a complex statistical model, the researchers accounted for differences associated with age, gender, type of linguistic judgment, performance accuracy and the method -- written or spoken -- in which words were presented.
The researchers found that girls still showed significantly greater activation in language areas of the brain than boys. The information in the tasks got through to girls' language areas of the brain -- areas associated with abstract thinking through language. And their performance accuracy correlated with the degree of activation in some of these language areas.
To their astonishment, however, this was not at all the case for boys. In boys, accurate performance depended -- when reading words -- on how hard visual areas of the brain worked. In hearing words, boys' performance depended on how hard auditory areas of the brain worked.
If that pattern extends to language processing that occurs in the classroom, it could inform teaching and testing methods. Given boys' sensory approach, boys might be more effectively evaluated on knowledge gained from lectures via oral tests and on knowledge gained by reading via written tests. For girls, whose language processing appears more abstract in approach, these different testing methods would appear unnecessary.
"One possibility is that boys have some kind of bottleneck in their sensory processes that can hold up visual or auditory information and keep it from being fed into the language areas of the brain," Burman said. This could result simply from girls developing faster than boys, in which case the differences between the sexes might disappear by adulthood.
Or, an alternative explanation is that boys create visual and auditory associations such that meanings associated with a word are brought to mind simply from seeing or hearing the word.
While the second explanation puts males at a disadvantage in more abstract language function, those kinds of sensory associations may have provided an evolutionary advantage for primitive men whose survival required them to quickly recognize danger-associated sights and sounds.
If the pattern of females relying on an abstract language network and of males relying on sensory areas of the brain extends into adulthood -- a still unresolved question -- it could explain why women often provide more context and abstract representation than men.Ask a woman for directions and you may hear something like: "Turn left on Main Street, go one block past the drug store, and then turn right, where there's a flower shop on one corner and a cafe across the street.
"Such information-laden directions may be helpful for women because all information is relevant to the abstract concept of where to turn; however, men may require only one cue and be distracted by additional information.
Can someone summarize this science article for me?
LovelyLa,
The paper suggest, you ought to be able to best summarize the paper yourself. Good luck.
Reply:basically it says that girls and boys use different ways of learning to maximize their intake of knowledge. i think its bs, but whatever
soft leather baby shoes
For the first time -- and in unambiguous findings -- researchers from Northwestern University and the University of Haifa show both that areas of the brain associated with language work harder in girls than in boys during language tasks, and that boys and girls rely on different parts of the brain when performing these tasks.
"Our findings -- which suggest that language processing is more sensory in boys and more abstract in girls -- could have major implications for teaching children and even provide support for advocates of single sex classrooms," said Douglas D. Burman, research associate in Northwestern's Roxelyn and Richard Pepper Department of Communication Sciences and Disorders.
Using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), the researchers measured brain activity in 31 boys and in 31 girls aged 9 to 15 as they performed spelling and writing language tasks.
The tasks were delivered in two sensory modalities -- visual and auditory. When visually presented, the children read certain words without hearing them. Presented in an auditory mode, they heard words aloud but did not see them.
Using a complex statistical model, the researchers accounted for differences associated with age, gender, type of linguistic judgment, performance accuracy and the method -- written or spoken -- in which words were presented.
The researchers found that girls still showed significantly greater activation in language areas of the brain than boys. The information in the tasks got through to girls' language areas of the brain -- areas associated with abstract thinking through language. And their performance accuracy correlated with the degree of activation in some of these language areas.
To their astonishment, however, this was not at all the case for boys. In boys, accurate performance depended -- when reading words -- on how hard visual areas of the brain worked. In hearing words, boys' performance depended on how hard auditory areas of the brain worked.
If that pattern extends to language processing that occurs in the classroom, it could inform teaching and testing methods. Given boys' sensory approach, boys might be more effectively evaluated on knowledge gained from lectures via oral tests and on knowledge gained by reading via written tests. For girls, whose language processing appears more abstract in approach, these different testing methods would appear unnecessary.
"One possibility is that boys have some kind of bottleneck in their sensory processes that can hold up visual or auditory information and keep it from being fed into the language areas of the brain," Burman said. This could result simply from girls developing faster than boys, in which case the differences between the sexes might disappear by adulthood.
Or, an alternative explanation is that boys create visual and auditory associations such that meanings associated with a word are brought to mind simply from seeing or hearing the word.
While the second explanation puts males at a disadvantage in more abstract language function, those kinds of sensory associations may have provided an evolutionary advantage for primitive men whose survival required them to quickly recognize danger-associated sights and sounds.
If the pattern of females relying on an abstract language network and of males relying on sensory areas of the brain extends into adulthood -- a still unresolved question -- it could explain why women often provide more context and abstract representation than men.Ask a woman for directions and you may hear something like: "Turn left on Main Street, go one block past the drug store, and then turn right, where there's a flower shop on one corner and a cafe across the street.
"Such information-laden directions may be helpful for women because all information is relevant to the abstract concept of where to turn; however, men may require only one cue and be distracted by additional information.
Can someone summarize this science article for me?
LovelyLa,
The paper suggest, you ought to be able to best summarize the paper yourself. Good luck.
Reply:basically it says that girls and boys use different ways of learning to maximize their intake of knowledge. i think its bs, but whatever
soft leather baby shoes
Vocabulary and degrees of comparison??????????HELP PLEASE?
1. Act IV is mainly about (1 point)
Capulet's plans for Juliet's wedding.
Capulet's plans for Juliet's funeral.
Juliet's plan to avoid marrying Paris.
Paris's concern that Juliet does not love him.
2. When Juliet asks Friar Lawrence to help her prevent the marriage to Paris, he offers her "a kind of hope, / Which craves as desperate an execution / As that is desperate which we would prevent. / . . . A thing like death to chide away this shame . . ." What does his promised remedy hint at? (1 point)
Juliet's death
Juliet's shame
Paris's murder
Romeo's return
3. Two days before her wedding to Paris, Juliet tells Friar Lawrence all the things she would rather do than marry Paris. Which lines from that monologue predict the outcome of the play? (1 point)
"O, bid me leap, rather than marry Paris. / From off the battlements of any tower . . ."
". . . Or walk in thievish ways, or bid me lurk / Where serpents are; chain me with roaring bears . . ."
". . . Or hide me nightly in a charnel house, / O'er covered quite with dead men's rattling bones . . ."
". . . Or bid me go into a new-made grave / And hide me with a dead man in his shroud . . ."
4. Which word BEST describes Friar Lawrence's role in dealing with Juliet? (1 point)
Judge
Advocate
Enemy
Ally
5. In Scene iii, before she takes the potion and after her mother and the nurse have left, Juliet says, "I have a faint cold fear thrills through my veins / That almost freezes up the heat of life." What might this remark lead one to predict? (1 point)
Juliet and the nurse have not culled sufficient necessities.
Juliet is already ill.
Something will go wrong with the plan of feigning death.
Juliet fears her mother will learn of her plan.
6. Which of the following quotations from Juliet's speeches in Act IV is an example of dramatic irony? (1 point)
"Nurse, will you go with me into my closet / To help me sort such needful ornaments / As you think fit to furnish me tomorrow?"
"How if, when I am laid into the tomb, / I wake before the time that Romeo / Come to redeem me?"
"O, if I wake, shall I not be distraught, / Environèd with all these hideous fears, / And madly play with my forefathers' joints . . ."
"God joined my heart and Romeo's, thou our hands . . ."
7. After the nurse discovers Juliet in bed on the day of the wedding, Capulet delivers a speech that ends with these lines: "Death lies on her like an untimely frost / Upon the sweetest flower of all the field." What makes this speech an example of dramatic irony? (1 point)
Juliet is actually sleeping.
Juliet has been dead for hours.
Capulet causes Juliet's death.
Juliet will die sooner than Capulet knows.
8. Which of the following sentences uses the superlative degree of comparison? (1 point)
Juliet believes faking her death is a good solution.
Capulet thinks that the marriage between Juliet and Paris is the best choice.
Romeo eagerly awaits word from Verona.
Juliet seemed more upset by Romeo's banishment than by Tybalt's death.
9. The word most nearly OPPOSITE in meaning to loathsome _________________. (1 point)
energetic
offensive
hollow
agreeable
10. Choose the item that correctly completes the following sentence.
Of all the Montagues, Romeo appears to be the ______.
(1 point)
more open-minded.
most open-minded.
open-mindeder.
open-mindedest
Vocabulary and degrees of comparison??????????HELP PLEASE?
1. Act IV is mainly about (1 point)
(0 pts) Capulet's plans for Juliet's wedding.
(0 pts) Capulet's plans for Juliet's funeral.
(1 pt) Juliet's plan to avoid marrying Paris.
(0 pts) Paris's concern that Juliet does not love him.
1 /1 point
2. When Juliet asks Friar Lawrence to help her prevent the marriage to Paris, he offers her "a kind of hope, / Which craves as desperate an execution / As that is desperate which we would prevent. / . . . A thing like death to chide away this shame . . ." What does his promised remedy hint at? (1 point)
(1 pt) Juliet's death
(0 pts) Juliet's shame
(0 pts) Paris's murder
(0 pts) Romeo's return
1 /1 point
3. Two days before her wedding to Paris, Juliet tells Friar Lawrence all the things she would rather do than marry Paris. Which lines from that monologue predict the outcome of the play? (1 point)
(0 pts) "O, bid me leap, rather than marry Paris. / From off the battlements of any tower . . ."
(0 pts) ". . . Or walk in thievish ways, or bid me lurk / Where serpents are; chain me with roaring bears . . ."
(0 pts) ". . . Or hide me nightly in a charnel house, / O'er covered quite with dead men's rattling bones . . ."
(1 pt) ". . . Or bid me go into a new-made grave / And hide me with a dead man in his shroud . . ."
1 /1 point
4. Which word BEST describes Friar Lawrence's role in dealing with Juliet? (1 point)
(0 pts) Judge
(0 pts) Advocate
(0 pts) Enemy
(1 pt) Ally
1 /1 point
5. In Scene iii, before she takes the potion and after her mother and the nurse have left, Juliet says, "I have a faint cold fear thrills through my veins / That almost freezes up the heat of life." What might this remark lead one to predict? (1 point)
(0 pts) Juliet and the nurse have not culled sufficient necessities.
(0 pts) Juliet is already ill.
(1 pt) Something will go wrong with the plan of feigning death.
(0 pts) Juliet fears her mother will learn of her plan.
1 /1 point
6. Which of the following quotations from Juliet's speeches in Act IV is an example of dramatic irony? (1 point)
(1 pt) "Nurse, will you go with me into my closet / To help me sort such needful ornaments / As you think fit to furnish me tomorrow?"
(0 pts) "How if, when I am laid into the tomb, / I wake before the time that Romeo / Come to redeem me?"
(0 pts) "O, if I wake, shall I not be distraught, / Environèd with all these hideous fears, / And madly play with my forefathers' joints . . ."
(0 pts) "God joined my heart and Romeo's, thou our hands . . ."
1 /1 point
7. After the nurse discovers Juliet in bed on the day of the wedding, Capulet delivers a speech that ends with these lines: "Death lies on her like an untimely frost / Upon the sweetest flower of all the field." What makes this speech an example of dramatic irony? (1 point)
(1 pt) Juliet is actually sleeping.
(0 pts) Juliet has been dead for hours.
(0 pts) Capulet causes Juliet's death.
(0 pts) Juliet will die sooner than Capulet knows.
1 /1 point
8. Which of the following sentences uses the superlative degree of comparison? (1 point)
(0 pts) Juliet believes faking her death is a good solution.
(1 pt) Capulet thinks that the marriage between Juliet and Paris is the best choice.
(0 pts) Romeo eagerly awaits word from Verona.
(0 pts) Juliet seemed more upset by Romeo's banishment than by Tybalt's death.
1 /1 point
9. The word most nearly OPPOSITE in meaning to loathsome _________________. (1 point)
(0 pts) energetic
(0 pts) offensive
(0 pts) hollow
(1 pt) agreeable
1 /1 point
10. Choose the item that correctly completes the following sentence.
Of all the Montagues, Romeo appears to be the ______.
(1 point)
(0 pts) more open-minded.
(1 pt) most open-minded.
(0 pts) open-mindeder.
(0 pts) open-mindedest
1 /1 point
The final score is 10/10 (100%).
Capulet's plans for Juliet's wedding.
Capulet's plans for Juliet's funeral.
Juliet's plan to avoid marrying Paris.
Paris's concern that Juliet does not love him.
2. When Juliet asks Friar Lawrence to help her prevent the marriage to Paris, he offers her "a kind of hope, / Which craves as desperate an execution / As that is desperate which we would prevent. / . . . A thing like death to chide away this shame . . ." What does his promised remedy hint at? (1 point)
Juliet's death
Juliet's shame
Paris's murder
Romeo's return
3. Two days before her wedding to Paris, Juliet tells Friar Lawrence all the things she would rather do than marry Paris. Which lines from that monologue predict the outcome of the play? (1 point)
"O, bid me leap, rather than marry Paris. / From off the battlements of any tower . . ."
". . . Or walk in thievish ways, or bid me lurk / Where serpents are; chain me with roaring bears . . ."
". . . Or hide me nightly in a charnel house, / O'er covered quite with dead men's rattling bones . . ."
". . . Or bid me go into a new-made grave / And hide me with a dead man in his shroud . . ."
4. Which word BEST describes Friar Lawrence's role in dealing with Juliet? (1 point)
Judge
Advocate
Enemy
Ally
5. In Scene iii, before she takes the potion and after her mother and the nurse have left, Juliet says, "I have a faint cold fear thrills through my veins / That almost freezes up the heat of life." What might this remark lead one to predict? (1 point)
Juliet and the nurse have not culled sufficient necessities.
Juliet is already ill.
Something will go wrong with the plan of feigning death.
Juliet fears her mother will learn of her plan.
6. Which of the following quotations from Juliet's speeches in Act IV is an example of dramatic irony? (1 point)
"Nurse, will you go with me into my closet / To help me sort such needful ornaments / As you think fit to furnish me tomorrow?"
"How if, when I am laid into the tomb, / I wake before the time that Romeo / Come to redeem me?"
"O, if I wake, shall I not be distraught, / Environèd with all these hideous fears, / And madly play with my forefathers' joints . . ."
"God joined my heart and Romeo's, thou our hands . . ."
7. After the nurse discovers Juliet in bed on the day of the wedding, Capulet delivers a speech that ends with these lines: "Death lies on her like an untimely frost / Upon the sweetest flower of all the field." What makes this speech an example of dramatic irony? (1 point)
Juliet is actually sleeping.
Juliet has been dead for hours.
Capulet causes Juliet's death.
Juliet will die sooner than Capulet knows.
8. Which of the following sentences uses the superlative degree of comparison? (1 point)
Juliet believes faking her death is a good solution.
Capulet thinks that the marriage between Juliet and Paris is the best choice.
Romeo eagerly awaits word from Verona.
Juliet seemed more upset by Romeo's banishment than by Tybalt's death.
9. The word most nearly OPPOSITE in meaning to loathsome _________________. (1 point)
energetic
offensive
hollow
agreeable
10. Choose the item that correctly completes the following sentence.
Of all the Montagues, Romeo appears to be the ______.
(1 point)
more open-minded.
most open-minded.
open-mindeder.
open-mindedest
Vocabulary and degrees of comparison??????????HELP PLEASE?
1. Act IV is mainly about (1 point)
(0 pts) Capulet's plans for Juliet's wedding.
(0 pts) Capulet's plans for Juliet's funeral.
(1 pt) Juliet's plan to avoid marrying Paris.
(0 pts) Paris's concern that Juliet does not love him.
1 /1 point
2. When Juliet asks Friar Lawrence to help her prevent the marriage to Paris, he offers her "a kind of hope, / Which craves as desperate an execution / As that is desperate which we would prevent. / . . . A thing like death to chide away this shame . . ." What does his promised remedy hint at? (1 point)
(1 pt) Juliet's death
(0 pts) Juliet's shame
(0 pts) Paris's murder
(0 pts) Romeo's return
1 /1 point
3. Two days before her wedding to Paris, Juliet tells Friar Lawrence all the things she would rather do than marry Paris. Which lines from that monologue predict the outcome of the play? (1 point)
(0 pts) "O, bid me leap, rather than marry Paris. / From off the battlements of any tower . . ."
(0 pts) ". . . Or walk in thievish ways, or bid me lurk / Where serpents are; chain me with roaring bears . . ."
(0 pts) ". . . Or hide me nightly in a charnel house, / O'er covered quite with dead men's rattling bones . . ."
(1 pt) ". . . Or bid me go into a new-made grave / And hide me with a dead man in his shroud . . ."
1 /1 point
4. Which word BEST describes Friar Lawrence's role in dealing with Juliet? (1 point)
(0 pts) Judge
(0 pts) Advocate
(0 pts) Enemy
(1 pt) Ally
1 /1 point
5. In Scene iii, before she takes the potion and after her mother and the nurse have left, Juliet says, "I have a faint cold fear thrills through my veins / That almost freezes up the heat of life." What might this remark lead one to predict? (1 point)
(0 pts) Juliet and the nurse have not culled sufficient necessities.
(0 pts) Juliet is already ill.
(1 pt) Something will go wrong with the plan of feigning death.
(0 pts) Juliet fears her mother will learn of her plan.
1 /1 point
6. Which of the following quotations from Juliet's speeches in Act IV is an example of dramatic irony? (1 point)
(1 pt) "Nurse, will you go with me into my closet / To help me sort such needful ornaments / As you think fit to furnish me tomorrow?"
(0 pts) "How if, when I am laid into the tomb, / I wake before the time that Romeo / Come to redeem me?"
(0 pts) "O, if I wake, shall I not be distraught, / Environèd with all these hideous fears, / And madly play with my forefathers' joints . . ."
(0 pts) "God joined my heart and Romeo's, thou our hands . . ."
1 /1 point
7. After the nurse discovers Juliet in bed on the day of the wedding, Capulet delivers a speech that ends with these lines: "Death lies on her like an untimely frost / Upon the sweetest flower of all the field." What makes this speech an example of dramatic irony? (1 point)
(1 pt) Juliet is actually sleeping.
(0 pts) Juliet has been dead for hours.
(0 pts) Capulet causes Juliet's death.
(0 pts) Juliet will die sooner than Capulet knows.
1 /1 point
8. Which of the following sentences uses the superlative degree of comparison? (1 point)
(0 pts) Juliet believes faking her death is a good solution.
(1 pt) Capulet thinks that the marriage between Juliet and Paris is the best choice.
(0 pts) Romeo eagerly awaits word from Verona.
(0 pts) Juliet seemed more upset by Romeo's banishment than by Tybalt's death.
1 /1 point
9. The word most nearly OPPOSITE in meaning to loathsome _________________. (1 point)
(0 pts) energetic
(0 pts) offensive
(0 pts) hollow
(1 pt) agreeable
1 /1 point
10. Choose the item that correctly completes the following sentence.
Of all the Montagues, Romeo appears to be the ______.
(1 point)
(0 pts) more open-minded.
(1 pt) most open-minded.
(0 pts) open-mindeder.
(0 pts) open-mindedest
1 /1 point
The final score is 10/10 (100%).
Please help!!!! These are all about romeo and juliet?
1. Act IV is mainly about (1 point)
Capulet's plans for Juliet's wedding.
Capulet's plans for Juliet's funeral.
Juliet's plan to avoid marrying Paris.
Paris's concern that Juliet does not love him.
2. When Juliet asks Friar Lawrence to help her prevent the marriage to Paris, he offers her "a kind of hope, / Which craves as desperate an execution / As that is desperate which we would prevent. / . . . A thing like death to chide away this shame . . ." What does his promised remedy hint at? (1 point)
Juliet's death
Juliet's shame
Paris's murder
Romeo's return
3. Two days before her wedding to Paris, Juliet tells Friar Lawrence all the things she would rather do than marry Paris. Which lines from that monologue predict the outcome of the play? (1 point)
"O, bid me leap, rather than marry Paris. / From off the battlements of any tower . . ."
". . . Or walk in thievish ways, or bid me lurk / Where serpents are; chain me with roaring bears . . ."
". . . Or hide me nightly in a charnel house, / O'er covered quite with dead men's rattling bones . . ."
". . . Or bid me go into a new-made grave / And hide me with a dead man in his shroud . . ."
4. Which word BEST describes Friar Lawrence's role in dealing with Juliet? (1 point)
Judge
Advocate
Enemy
Ally
5. In Scene iii, before she takes the potion and after her mother and the nurse have left, Juliet says, "I have a faint cold fear thrills through my veins / That almost freezes up the heat of life." What might this remark lead one to predict? (1 point)
Juliet and the nurse have not culled sufficient necessities.
Juliet is already ill.
Something will go wrong with the plan of feigning death.
Juliet fears her mother will learn of her plan.
6. Which of the following quotations from Juliet's speeches in Act IV is an example of dramatic irony? (1 point)
"Nurse, will you go with me into my closet / To help me sort such needful ornaments / As you think fit to furnish me tomorrow?"
"How if, when I am laid into the tomb, / I wake before the time that Romeo / Come to redeem me?"
"O, if I wake, shall I not be distraught, / Environèd with all these hideous fears, / And madly play with my forefathers' joints . . ."
"God joined my heart and Romeo's, thou our hands . . ."
7. After the nurse discovers Juliet in bed on the day of the wedding, Capulet delivers a speech that ends with these lines: "Death lies on her like an untimely frost / Upon the sweetest flower of all the field." What makes this speech an example of dramatic irony? (1 point)
Juliet is actually sleeping.
Juliet has been dead for hours.
Capulet causes Juliet's death.
Juliet will die sooner than Capulet knows.
8. Which of the following sentences uses the superlative degree of comparison? (1 point)
Juliet believes faking her death is a good solution.
Capulet thinks that the marriage between Juliet and Paris is the best choice.
Romeo eagerly awaits word from Verona.
Juliet seemed more upset by Romeo's banishment than by Tybalt's death.
9. The word most nearly OPPOSITE in meaning to loathsome _________________. (1 point)
energetic
offensive
hollow
agreeable
10. Choose the item that correctly completes the following sentence.
Of all the Montagues, Romeo appears to be the ______.
(1 point)
more open-minded.
most open-minded.
open-mindeder.
open-mindedest
Please help!!!! These are all about romeo and juliet?
1. I don't have a copy of the play so I don't know what comes in chpt IV
2. Romeo's return
3. I think the line about 'new grave' and 'shroud'
4. ally
5. that something will go wrong
6. ?
7. she will die sooner than capulet knows
8.?
9.agreeable
10. more open-minded
I'm not sure on all the questions, just look up what dramatic irony etc and apply it to the quotes.
Capulet's plans for Juliet's wedding.
Capulet's plans for Juliet's funeral.
Juliet's plan to avoid marrying Paris.
Paris's concern that Juliet does not love him.
2. When Juliet asks Friar Lawrence to help her prevent the marriage to Paris, he offers her "a kind of hope, / Which craves as desperate an execution / As that is desperate which we would prevent. / . . . A thing like death to chide away this shame . . ." What does his promised remedy hint at? (1 point)
Juliet's death
Juliet's shame
Paris's murder
Romeo's return
3. Two days before her wedding to Paris, Juliet tells Friar Lawrence all the things she would rather do than marry Paris. Which lines from that monologue predict the outcome of the play? (1 point)
"O, bid me leap, rather than marry Paris. / From off the battlements of any tower . . ."
". . . Or walk in thievish ways, or bid me lurk / Where serpents are; chain me with roaring bears . . ."
". . . Or hide me nightly in a charnel house, / O'er covered quite with dead men's rattling bones . . ."
". . . Or bid me go into a new-made grave / And hide me with a dead man in his shroud . . ."
4. Which word BEST describes Friar Lawrence's role in dealing with Juliet? (1 point)
Judge
Advocate
Enemy
Ally
5. In Scene iii, before she takes the potion and after her mother and the nurse have left, Juliet says, "I have a faint cold fear thrills through my veins / That almost freezes up the heat of life." What might this remark lead one to predict? (1 point)
Juliet and the nurse have not culled sufficient necessities.
Juliet is already ill.
Something will go wrong with the plan of feigning death.
Juliet fears her mother will learn of her plan.
6. Which of the following quotations from Juliet's speeches in Act IV is an example of dramatic irony? (1 point)
"Nurse, will you go with me into my closet / To help me sort such needful ornaments / As you think fit to furnish me tomorrow?"
"How if, when I am laid into the tomb, / I wake before the time that Romeo / Come to redeem me?"
"O, if I wake, shall I not be distraught, / Environèd with all these hideous fears, / And madly play with my forefathers' joints . . ."
"God joined my heart and Romeo's, thou our hands . . ."
7. After the nurse discovers Juliet in bed on the day of the wedding, Capulet delivers a speech that ends with these lines: "Death lies on her like an untimely frost / Upon the sweetest flower of all the field." What makes this speech an example of dramatic irony? (1 point)
Juliet is actually sleeping.
Juliet has been dead for hours.
Capulet causes Juliet's death.
Juliet will die sooner than Capulet knows.
8. Which of the following sentences uses the superlative degree of comparison? (1 point)
Juliet believes faking her death is a good solution.
Capulet thinks that the marriage between Juliet and Paris is the best choice.
Romeo eagerly awaits word from Verona.
Juliet seemed more upset by Romeo's banishment than by Tybalt's death.
9. The word most nearly OPPOSITE in meaning to loathsome _________________. (1 point)
energetic
offensive
hollow
agreeable
10. Choose the item that correctly completes the following sentence.
Of all the Montagues, Romeo appears to be the ______.
(1 point)
more open-minded.
most open-minded.
open-mindeder.
open-mindedest
Please help!!!! These are all about romeo and juliet?
1. I don't have a copy of the play so I don't know what comes in chpt IV
2. Romeo's return
3. I think the line about 'new grave' and 'shroud'
4. ally
5. that something will go wrong
6. ?
7. she will die sooner than capulet knows
8.?
9.agreeable
10. more open-minded
I'm not sure on all the questions, just look up what dramatic irony etc and apply it to the quotes.
What should I do???
At my school they're having this thing 4 Valentine' day where you can send carnatins to your friends. Well me and my friend agreed that we would get each other one....the carnations sold out on the 2nd day and both days i forgot to bring money. So today when the carnation were being delivered I got one from her...but I didn't get her one...So now as the flowers are being passed out she i probably thinking "Dang...she didn't get me one!'' Should I just gove her two cupcakes and tell her that they got sold out???? HELP!
What should I do???
You could give her something else such as giving her cupcakes, or cookies, or if you have time, have your mom take you to the store and buy her some carnation flowers. Let her know that your school sold out and you were still thinking of her. She'll appreciate that.
Reply:APOLIGIZE AND YES YOU NEED TO GET HER SOMETHING OR SHE WILL FEEL USED AND TEL HER WHAT REALY HAPPENED
Reply:It's not a big deal if you think about it... tell her the truth about what happened and invite her to go to the movies or something
Reply:Yes! tell her that i mean she is your friend she should under stand.
Reply:Let your friend know what happened and if she is any kind of a friend she will understand the position you were in and won't take offense of you giving her the cupcakes instead. Maybe and your friend could go out and do something together to make up for what was lost. But you won't know until you try.
Reply:Sure.. give her the cupcakes and explain what happened. Now get back to your school work.
Reply:Talk to your friend tell her that they ended being sold out but you did get her some cup cakes (which means you need to get her some cup cakes) or get her some flowers yourseld and deliver them to her later(which means you have to go but some flowers) or you could just wait to talk to her go but are some flowers then tell her you wanted it ot be a surprise
Reply:if she'z a good friend she'z not gonna care if she didn't get one. being with ur budz on Valentines Day is enough. tell her that u wanted 2 get her one but they were sold-out. get her something else instead. i hope this helped.
Reply:Cupcakes are nice%26gt; Just tell her the truth as to what happened and remind her that you treasure her friendship and love her dearly.
What should I do???
You could give her something else such as giving her cupcakes, or cookies, or if you have time, have your mom take you to the store and buy her some carnation flowers. Let her know that your school sold out and you were still thinking of her. She'll appreciate that.
Reply:APOLIGIZE AND YES YOU NEED TO GET HER SOMETHING OR SHE WILL FEEL USED AND TEL HER WHAT REALY HAPPENED
Reply:It's not a big deal if you think about it... tell her the truth about what happened and invite her to go to the movies or something
Reply:Yes! tell her that i mean she is your friend she should under stand.
Reply:Let your friend know what happened and if she is any kind of a friend she will understand the position you were in and won't take offense of you giving her the cupcakes instead. Maybe and your friend could go out and do something together to make up for what was lost. But you won't know until you try.
Reply:Sure.. give her the cupcakes and explain what happened. Now get back to your school work.
Reply:Talk to your friend tell her that they ended being sold out but you did get her some cup cakes (which means you need to get her some cup cakes) or get her some flowers yourseld and deliver them to her later(which means you have to go but some flowers) or you could just wait to talk to her go but are some flowers then tell her you wanted it ot be a surprise
Reply:if she'z a good friend she'z not gonna care if she didn't get one. being with ur budz on Valentines Day is enough. tell her that u wanted 2 get her one but they were sold-out. get her something else instead. i hope this helped.
Reply:Cupcakes are nice%26gt; Just tell her the truth as to what happened and remind her that you treasure her friendship and love her dearly.
Mature honest answers only please how would u feel/do if your fiance did this to u on valentines day?
I got him a nice card/gift.He said he "tryed" to get me flowers but the florist would not deliver because we had a bad snow storm(true but nothing like waiting till the last min) and no gift or card.Then we went to diner(my doing) . when the bill came he made no effort to take it so i said do u want me to put it on our "family c.c"(we have a joint one for house bills that we both put the same money in) and he said sure.So basicly we went "dutch".I will say he did get me a clock about 4 weeks later after his mom asked me what he got me and i told her nothing.
Mature honest answers only please how would u feel/do if your fiance did this to u on valentines day?
I tend not to focus on one day as opposed to how I'm being treated on a daily basis. Clearly you are upset though, have you talked to him about this.
Reply:Only you know your fiance and your history with him and honestly who can answer a question like this in a mature and honest without all the facts.
Such as what has he done during all the other Valentine's Days, birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions and what he's like and what you expect of him.
Is he just not the romantic type that doesn't do special things on special occasions? Or is he an insensitive, selfish person who is not really considerate of your wants and needs?
Does he know you want more from him? Have you told him how it made you feel and what you'd like him to do? Does he make efforts in other areas?
How you should feel about him handling this situation should be based on what kind of person he has been during all the other times.
If my husband did this I'd be a little disappointed, but I wouldn't be upset about it. Why? Because every other day he makes me feel loved by all the other things he does for me.
Reply:Goodness.
Valentines is long gone..................has he not done anything right since then?
Reply:I WOULD FEEL HORRIBLE!! He could have made u a mix c.d. or cut flowers out of paper to say sorry that flowers didn't get to u on time! That is not love.
Reply:If he's always this inconsiderate, I would dump him and find a new guy, but if this was a one time thing, I would let it go. Although I will say, I don't care about holiday's. I would rather have a man that tells me he loves me every day, not get a card one day a year because Hallmark says he should.
Reply:You should find a way to let this go or find a way to help him. It's almost June and you are hung up on something that happened in Feb.
Lots of guys just don't know the "right" things to do on these special occasions. They just freeze. Sometimes they need help! I usually let my husband know what I want to do and how he can surprise me. He is relieved when I give him some direction. He is actually getting better at remembering occasions and making them special. It just doesn't come naturally to some guys.
Reply:thank his Mom for da clock n not him. basically, he is useless
well, one could forget to buy a gift although they have it in mind. that's acceptable, ppl are forgetful
but not payin for dinner especially on Vday is not acceptable.
u should reconsider n rethink ur relationship
Reply:I would say if this kind of behavior bothers you, then you should not marry him, because it will not change. My ex-husband was the same way, would get me something for half price the day after valentines day. Now I'm not concerned about whether my boyfriend gives me anything for valentines or birthday, although he does. I'm more interested in how he treats me on a daily basis. But you do need to ask whether someone who ignores you on these times treats you well all the other times.
Reply:lol....it's almost June....why are you concerned with Valentine's Day NOW?!?!?!
Makes no sense to me.
And you really shouldn't focus so much on this ONE DAY. Any guy can send you some flowers and a nice card on one day every year...you should be more concerned with how he treats you on the OTHER 364 days every year.
Just my opinion..
Reply:time for a self diagnostic and then really take a serious look at what you want in life.
Is he there in the picture as he really is or is there a charactor from a romance novel standing in for him? Men are not all like that you know. This is exactly the line of questioning you should be asking now not when you may have to pay for an expensive divorce.
Good luck.
Reply:honestly, a reaL mAN DOESEN'T NEED SOME MAN MADE OCCAISION TO SPEND MONEY ON HIS GIRL, IF IT'S TRUE loVE , THEN EVERY DAY IS VALENTINES DAY.
Reply:Some men are thoughtful enough to remember gifts at holidays, and for others it is impossible. I would not say he does not love you. He just may be one of the ones who just do not get in the spirit of things. Next holiday time, order your own flowers or buy you a nice gift, wrap it and open it in front of him. Make sure it is VERY expensive. After a few holidays, he will get the point and hopefully take some incentive to step up and be more thoughtful. If not, continue, but always thank him for his gift! And yes, put it on HIS card.
Reply:The whole flower delivery thing is quite believable and most guys do wait until the last minute....but beyond that he was pretty much being a prick, especially when I'm sure you would have been satisfied with the gesture if he'd just coughed up and paid the bill. And his mom had to scold him into getting you a present? Sad. It's not "you should leave him" material but I definitely hope he didn't get any for a while after that, and that you told him you were pissed off and didn't just keep it bottled up inside.
Reply:I don't think I would really care at all actually. I've never really celebrated valentine's day unless you count getting discount chocolates the day or two after the holiday is over. I'm more interested in the practicalities of my relationship and the love and fun times we share everyday than some hallmark holiday. It's actually really lame. My husband and I don't do romance. I guess we're realists.
Think about it, does your fiance love you? Does he care about you? Does he treat you well? Do you love him? Do you treat him well? And I'm not talking romantic cliches here, but with things that matter.
Reply:maybe he's spending his money with someone else..
Reply:what I would be annoyed not even a card gee you can go to a discount store and get one for one dollar
he sounds like a tight a**
you poor thing
good luck to you
Reply:i'm going to give you my honest opinion here ok if this is the only time that something like this has happened i wouldn't worry about it to much but if this the normal pattern of things then after you get married don't expect it to change he showing right now how things are going to be and what you should expect from him in future except it or not its up to you people don't change i see alot of questions about stuff like this on here all the time, the signs that this was going to be was there all along they just never paid attention to them.
Reply:This could be a one-time-thing. Try waiting for the next holiday/occasion you guys plan on spending together. If he acts the same way, you should have a talk with him.
Reply:talking to him about it may be a good idea...but you cant teach an old dog new tricks! has he always been like this? even on other special days/occasions/holidays? if this bothers you, let him know. if his actions are something new or uncalled for, something is up! you can do a little more observation then approach him (if its a new attitude) or simply let him know that you'd like to be acknowledge on what you believe in. good luck
Reply:I would be absolutely heartbroken to say the least. Poor girl.
mobile
Mature honest answers only please how would u feel/do if your fiance did this to u on valentines day?
I tend not to focus on one day as opposed to how I'm being treated on a daily basis. Clearly you are upset though, have you talked to him about this.
Reply:Only you know your fiance and your history with him and honestly who can answer a question like this in a mature and honest without all the facts.
Such as what has he done during all the other Valentine's Days, birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions and what he's like and what you expect of him.
Is he just not the romantic type that doesn't do special things on special occasions? Or is he an insensitive, selfish person who is not really considerate of your wants and needs?
Does he know you want more from him? Have you told him how it made you feel and what you'd like him to do? Does he make efforts in other areas?
How you should feel about him handling this situation should be based on what kind of person he has been during all the other times.
If my husband did this I'd be a little disappointed, but I wouldn't be upset about it. Why? Because every other day he makes me feel loved by all the other things he does for me.
Reply:Goodness.
Valentines is long gone..................has he not done anything right since then?
Reply:I WOULD FEEL HORRIBLE!! He could have made u a mix c.d. or cut flowers out of paper to say sorry that flowers didn't get to u on time! That is not love.
Reply:If he's always this inconsiderate, I would dump him and find a new guy, but if this was a one time thing, I would let it go. Although I will say, I don't care about holiday's. I would rather have a man that tells me he loves me every day, not get a card one day a year because Hallmark says he should.
Reply:You should find a way to let this go or find a way to help him. It's almost June and you are hung up on something that happened in Feb.
Lots of guys just don't know the "right" things to do on these special occasions. They just freeze. Sometimes they need help! I usually let my husband know what I want to do and how he can surprise me. He is relieved when I give him some direction. He is actually getting better at remembering occasions and making them special. It just doesn't come naturally to some guys.
Reply:thank his Mom for da clock n not him. basically, he is useless
well, one could forget to buy a gift although they have it in mind. that's acceptable, ppl are forgetful
but not payin for dinner especially on Vday is not acceptable.
u should reconsider n rethink ur relationship
Reply:I would say if this kind of behavior bothers you, then you should not marry him, because it will not change. My ex-husband was the same way, would get me something for half price the day after valentines day. Now I'm not concerned about whether my boyfriend gives me anything for valentines or birthday, although he does. I'm more interested in how he treats me on a daily basis. But you do need to ask whether someone who ignores you on these times treats you well all the other times.
Reply:lol....it's almost June....why are you concerned with Valentine's Day NOW?!?!?!
Makes no sense to me.
And you really shouldn't focus so much on this ONE DAY. Any guy can send you some flowers and a nice card on one day every year...you should be more concerned with how he treats you on the OTHER 364 days every year.
Just my opinion..
Reply:time for a self diagnostic and then really take a serious look at what you want in life.
Is he there in the picture as he really is or is there a charactor from a romance novel standing in for him? Men are not all like that you know. This is exactly the line of questioning you should be asking now not when you may have to pay for an expensive divorce.
Good luck.
Reply:honestly, a reaL mAN DOESEN'T NEED SOME MAN MADE OCCAISION TO SPEND MONEY ON HIS GIRL, IF IT'S TRUE loVE , THEN EVERY DAY IS VALENTINES DAY.
Reply:Some men are thoughtful enough to remember gifts at holidays, and for others it is impossible. I would not say he does not love you. He just may be one of the ones who just do not get in the spirit of things. Next holiday time, order your own flowers or buy you a nice gift, wrap it and open it in front of him. Make sure it is VERY expensive. After a few holidays, he will get the point and hopefully take some incentive to step up and be more thoughtful. If not, continue, but always thank him for his gift! And yes, put it on HIS card.
Reply:The whole flower delivery thing is quite believable and most guys do wait until the last minute....but beyond that he was pretty much being a prick, especially when I'm sure you would have been satisfied with the gesture if he'd just coughed up and paid the bill. And his mom had to scold him into getting you a present? Sad. It's not "you should leave him" material but I definitely hope he didn't get any for a while after that, and that you told him you were pissed off and didn't just keep it bottled up inside.
Reply:I don't think I would really care at all actually. I've never really celebrated valentine's day unless you count getting discount chocolates the day or two after the holiday is over. I'm more interested in the practicalities of my relationship and the love and fun times we share everyday than some hallmark holiday. It's actually really lame. My husband and I don't do romance. I guess we're realists.
Think about it, does your fiance love you? Does he care about you? Does he treat you well? Do you love him? Do you treat him well? And I'm not talking romantic cliches here, but with things that matter.
Reply:maybe he's spending his money with someone else..
Reply:what I would be annoyed not even a card gee you can go to a discount store and get one for one dollar
he sounds like a tight a**
you poor thing
good luck to you
Reply:i'm going to give you my honest opinion here ok if this is the only time that something like this has happened i wouldn't worry about it to much but if this the normal pattern of things then after you get married don't expect it to change he showing right now how things are going to be and what you should expect from him in future except it or not its up to you people don't change i see alot of questions about stuff like this on here all the time, the signs that this was going to be was there all along they just never paid attention to them.
Reply:This could be a one-time-thing. Try waiting for the next holiday/occasion you guys plan on spending together. If he acts the same way, you should have a talk with him.
Reply:talking to him about it may be a good idea...but you cant teach an old dog new tricks! has he always been like this? even on other special days/occasions/holidays? if this bothers you, let him know. if his actions are something new or uncalled for, something is up! you can do a little more observation then approach him (if its a new attitude) or simply let him know that you'd like to be acknowledge on what you believe in. good luck
Reply:I would be absolutely heartbroken to say the least. Poor girl.
mobile
I need some HELP from Someone who lives in Iceland?
I cant read icelandic nor speak it, so im having trouble reading some information online.
Im looking for a local florist in iceland. WhichI can call up and order flowers and have them deliver to a friend in Reykjavik, Iceland!
Any help would be appreciated. I need the name of the Local Florist in Rejkyavik, iceland and their phone number.
THANKS a MILLION!
mark
I need some HELP from Someone who lives in Iceland?
go to ja.is and search for "blómabúe" and there you get a lot af numbers of florist
Reply:I don't live in Iceland but you can try this:
http://randburg.com/is/blom/
It has a phone number:
Tel +354 567 3350
Fax +354 567 6671
If you do a search on Google for: Reykjavik flowers or Florist Reykjavik you'll find a bunch of sites that you can order and get delivered online.
Im looking for a local florist in iceland. WhichI can call up and order flowers and have them deliver to a friend in Reykjavik, Iceland!
Any help would be appreciated. I need the name of the Local Florist in Rejkyavik, iceland and their phone number.
THANKS a MILLION!
mark
I need some HELP from Someone who lives in Iceland?
go to ja.is and search for "blómabúe" and there you get a lot af numbers of florist
Reply:I don't live in Iceland but you can try this:
http://randburg.com/is/blom/
It has a phone number:
Tel +354 567 3350
Fax +354 567 6671
If you do a search on Google for: Reykjavik flowers or Florist Reykjavik you'll find a bunch of sites that you can order and get delivered online.
How do u feel about our prophet today gordon B hinckley?
First Presidency Message
The Prophet Joseph Smith:
Teacher by Example
By President Thomas S. Monson
Second Counselor in the First Presidency
Next %26gt; Print E-mail
Thomas S. Monson, “The Prophet Joseph Smith: Teacher by Example,” Ensign, Jun 1994, 2
“I was born in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and five, on the twenty-third day of December, in the town of Sharon, Windsor county, State of Vermont.” 1 Thus spoke the first prophet of this great dispensation, the dispensation of the fulness of times. These words of the Prophet Joseph Smith and his testimony which follows have been translated into Portuguese, Spanish, Chinese, Russian, German, French, Polish, and almost every language of the civilized world. When read by honest men and honest women, these profound words have changed thinking and have changed lives. This is the value of the simple testimony of the boy prophet, Joseph Smith.
Let us go back to the year of our Lord 1805, on the twenty-third day of December, in the town of Sharon, Windsor County, Vermont. Will you take that journey with me? Will you accompany me as we look back on those dramatic events taking place on that day? As Joseph Smith, Sr., and his wife, Lucy Mack, proudly looked down upon the little baby that had come into their home, I’m certain they were pleased and most grateful to the Lord that the period of her confinement had passed favorably and that this child had been born to them. I can imagine that they might have exclaimed, as did the poet, that this little baby was “a sweet, new blossom of humanity, fresh fallen from God’s own home to flower on earth.” 2 A choice spirit had come to dwell in its earthly tabernacle.
Some have asked, “Did he have an unusual childhood or boyhood?” “Was the Prophet Joseph different from me or my brothers?” I think we could perhaps gain insight into the childhood of the Prophet by reading the words of his mother, Lucy. She said, “I am aware that some of my readers will be disappointed, for … it is thought by some that I shall be likely to tell many very remarkable incidents which attended his childhood; but, as nothing occurred during his early life except those trivial circumstances which are common to that state of human existence, I pass them in silence.” 3 This is all we have from the boy’s mother concerning his early childhood activities.
During his early youth, however, ill health and ill fortune seemed to pursue the family. The good father tried farming in several localities but couldn’t quite succeed in any of them. When young Joseph was seven years old, he and his brothers and sisters were stricken with typhus fever. The others recovered readily, but Joseph was left with a painful sore on his leg, a sore which would not heal. The doctors, doing the best they could under the conditions of the time, treated him—and yet the sore persisted. Finally the doctors were afraid they were going to have to amputate his leg.
We can imagine the grief and the sorrow that would come to parents who were told that the leg of their young son must be removed. Thankfully, however, one day the doctors came unexpectedly to the home, and they told the family that they were going to try a new operation to remove a piece of the bone, hoping that this would permit the sore to heal. They had brought with them some cord and planned to tie Joseph to the bed because they had no anesthetic, nothing to dull the pain, when they cut into his leg to remove the piece of bone.
Young Joseph, however, responded, “I will not be bound, for I can bear the operation much better if I have my liberty.”
The doctors then said, “Will you take some wine? … You must take something, or you can never endure the severe operation.”
Again the boy prophet said, “No, … but I will tell you what I will do—I will have my father sit on the bed and hold me in his arms, and then I will do whatever is necessary in order to have the bone taken out.”
So Joseph Smith, Sr., held the boy in his arms, and the doctors opened the leg and removed the diseased piece of bone. Although he was lame for some time afterward, Joseph was healed. 4 At seven years of age, the Prophet Joseph Smith taught us courage—by example.
When Joseph was in his tenth year, his family, which now consisted of eleven souls, left the state of Vermont and moved to Palmyra, Ontario County, New York. Four years later they moved to Manchester, located in the same county. It was here that Joseph described the great religious revival which seemed everywhere present and of prime concern to every heart. These are his words: “So great were the confusion and strife among the different denominations, that it was impossible for a person young as I was, and so unacquainted with men and things, to come to any certain conclusion who was right and who was wrong. …
“While I was laboring under the extreme difficulties caused by the contests of these parties of religionists, I was one day reading the Epistle of James, first chapter and fifth verse, which reads: If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.” 5
The Prophet said that after reading this verse he knew for a certainty he must either put the Lord to the test and ask Him or perhaps choose to remain in darkness forever. He declared that as he retired to the grove to pray, this was the first time he had attempted to pray vocally to his Heavenly Father. But he had read the scripture, he had understood the scripture, he had trusted in God his Eternal Father; and now he knelt and prayed, knowing that God would give him the enlightenment which he so earnestly sought. The Prophet Joseph Smith taught us the principle of faith—by example.
Can you imagine the ridicule, the scorn, the mocking which all of his young friends, his older friends, and his foes alike must have heaped upon him as he mentioned that he had seen a vision? I suppose that it became almost unbearable for the boy, and yet he was honest with himself, for these are his words: “I had actually seen a light, and in the midst of that light I saw two Personages, and they did in reality speak to me; and though I was hated and persecuted for saying that I had seen a vision, yet it was true; and while they were persecuting me, reviling me, and speaking all manner of evil against me falsely for so saying, I was led to say in my heart: Why persecute me for telling the truth? I have actually seen a vision; and who am I that I can withstand God, or why does the world think to make me deny what I have actually seen? For I had seen a vision; I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it.” 6 The Prophet Joseph Smith taught honesty—by example.
An unusual thing happened after that great first vision. The Prophet Joseph received no additional communication for three years. However, he did not wonder, he did not question, he did not doubt the Lord. The Prophet Joseph patiently waited. The Prophet Joseph taught us the principle of patience—by example.
Following the visits of the angel Moroni and the delivering into the hands of the Prophet the golden plates, he commenced the difficult assignment of translation, which would absorb his every waking moment, his every thought, his every action night and day, perhaps every hour. One can but imagine the dedication, the devotion, and the labor required to translate in less than ninety days this record of over five hundred pages, which covered a period of twenty-six hundred years. There is not an absurd, impossible, or contradictory statement in the entire book. Joseph worked, Joseph studied, Joseph applied himself to his task. The Prophet Joseph Smith taught us diligence—by example.
I love the words Oliver Cowdery used to describe the time he spent assisting Joseph with the translation: “These were days never to be forgotten—to sit under the sound of a voice dictated by the inspiration of heaven, awakened the utmost gratitude of this bosom! Day after day I continued, uninterrupted, to write from his mouth, as he translated with the Urim and Thummim … the history or record called ‘The Book of Mormon.’ ” 7
The Prophet Joseph was truly blessed with the ability to inspire faith. One bright morning Joseph walked up to John E. Page and said, “Brother John, the Lord is calling you on a mission to Canada.”
John E. Page was rather astonished and said, “Why, Brother Joseph, I can’t go on a mission to Canada. I don’t even have a coat to wear.”
The Prophet Joseph took his own coat from his back, handed it to John Page, and said, “Here, John, wear this, and the Lord will bless you.” Brother Page took the coat, went to Canada, and in two years walked five thousand miles and baptized six hundred souls, because he trusted in the words of a prophet of God. 8
On another occasion Joseph was speaking to a group of brethren at Nauvoo on the importance of missionary work, and at the conclusion of his message he had so touched the congregation that 380 elders in the congregation volunteered to immediately embark on missions. 9
The Prophet Joseph believed in missionary work. While he and Sidney Rigdon were proselyting at Perrysburg, New York, 12 October 1833, having been long absent from their families and feeling concerned for them, they received the following revelation:
“Verily, thus saith the Lord unto you, my friends Sidney and Joseph, your families are well; they are in mine hands, and I will do with them as seemeth me good; for in me there is all power.
“Therefore, follow me, and listen to the counsel which I shall give unto you.
“Behold, … I have much people in this place, in the regions round about; and an effectual door shall be opened in the regions round about in this eastern land. …
“Therefore, verily I say unto you, lift up your voices unto this people; speak the thoughts that I shall put into your hearts, and you shall not be confounded before men;
“For it shall be given you … in the very moment, what ye shall say. …
“And I give unto you this promise, that inasmuch as ye do this the Holy Ghost shall be shed forth in bearing record unto all things whatsoever ye shall say.” 10
Joseph and Sidney continued their missionary labors.
Joseph Smith not only inspired men to volunteer for missions, he not only took his own coat and handed it to John Page as he went on his mission, but he also taught the importance of missionary work—by example.
I think one of the sweetest lessons taught by the Prophet, and yet one of the saddest, occurred close to the time of his death. He had seen in vision the Saints leaving Nauvoo and going to the Rocky Mountains. I imagine he felt as did Moses—anxious to lead his people away from their tormentors and into a promised land which the Lord his God had shown him. But it was not to be. Rather, he was required to leave his plan and vision of the Rocky Mountains and give himself up to face a court of supposed justice.
These are his words: “I am going like a lamb to the slaughter; but I am calm as a summer’s morning; I have a conscience void of offense towards God, and towards all men.” 11 That statement of the Prophet teaches us obedience to law and the importance of having a clear conscience toward God and toward our fellowmen. The Prophet Joseph Smith taught these principles—by example.
There was to be one great final lesson before his mortal life ended. He was incarcerated in Carthage Jail with his brother Hyrum, with John Taylor, and with Willard Richards. The angry mob stormed the jail; they came up the stairway, blasphemous in their cursing, heavily armed, and began to fire at will. Hyrum was hit and died. John Taylor took several balls of fire within his bosom. The Prophet Joseph, with his pistol in hand, was attempting to defend his life and that of his brethren, and yet he could tell from the pounding on the door that this mob would storm that door and would kill John Taylor and Willard Richards in an attempt to kill him. And so his last great act here upon the earth was to leave the door and lead Willard Richards to safety, throw the gun on the floor, and go to the window, that they might see him, that the attention of this ruthless mob might be focused upon him rather than the others. Joseph Smith gave his life. Willard Richards was spared, and John Taylor recovered from his wounds. “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” 12 The Prophet Joseph Smith taught us love—by example.
June 27 of this year marks the 150th anniversary of that solemn event when the first prophet of this dispensation sealed his testimony of the Restoration with his blood. I testify that he was a prophet of God. I have seen the Lord convert people to His plan of salvation through the testimony of the Prophet Joseph. Many years ago I served as the president of the Canadian Mission. In the city of Oshawa, Ontario, Canada, two of our missionaries were proselyting door-to-door on a cold, snowy afternoon. They had not had any measure of success. One was experienced, one was new.
The two called at the home of Mr. Elmer Pollard, and he, feeling sympathy for the almost frozen missionaries, invited them in. They presented their message and asked if he would join them in prayer. He agreed, on the provision that he could offer the prayer.
The prayer he offered astonished the missionaries. He said, “Heavenly Father, bless these two unfortunate, misguided missionaries, that they may return to their homes and not waste their time telling the people of Canada about a message which is so fantastic and about which they know so little.”
As they arose from their knees, Mr. Pollard asked the missionaries never to return to his home. As they left, he mockingly said to them, “You can’t tell me you really believe that Joseph Smith is a prophet of God, anyway!” and he shut the door.
The missionaries had walked but a short distance when the junior companion said, “Elder, we didn’t answer Mr. Pollard.”
The senior companion said, “We’ve been evicted. Let’s move on to greener territory.”
The young missionary persisted, however, and the two returned to Mr. Pollard’s door. Mr. Pollard answered the knock and angrily said, “I thought I told you young men never to return!”
The junior companion then said, with all the courage he could muster, “Mr. Pollard, when we left your door, you said that we didn’t really believe Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. I want to testify to you, Mr. Pollard, that I know Joseph Smith is a prophet of God; that by inspiration he translated the sacred record known as the Book of Mormon; that he did see God the Father and Jesus the Son.” The missionaries then departed the doorstep.
I heard this same Mr. Pollard, in a testimony meeting, state the experiences of that memorable day. He said: “That evening, sleep would not come. I tossed and turned. Over and over in my mind I heard the words, ‘Joseph Smith is a prophet of God. I know it … I know it … I know it.’ I could scarcely wait for morning to come. I telephoned the missionaries, using the address which was printed on the small card containing the Articles of Faith that they had left with me. They returned; and this time, with the correct spirit, my wife and family and I joined in the discussion as earnest seekers of truth. As a result, we have all embraced the gospel of Jesus Christ. We shall ever be grateful to the testimony of truth brought to us by courageous, humble missionaries.”
In the 135th section of the Doctrine and Covenants we read the words of John Taylor concerning the Prophet Joseph:
“Joseph Smith, the Prophet and Seer of the Lord, has done more, save Jesus only, for the salvation of men in this world, than any other man that ever lived in it. In the short space of twenty years, he has brought forth the Book of Mormon, which he translated by the gift and power of God, and has been the means of publishing it on two continents; has sent the fulness of the everlasting gospel, which it contained, to the four quarters of the earth; has brought forth the revelations and commandments which compose this book of Doctrine and Covenants, and many other wise documents and instructions … ; gathered many thousands of the Latter-day Saints, founded a great city, and left a fame and name that cannot be slain. He lived great, and he died great in the eyes of God and his people; and like most of the Lord’s anointed in ancient times, has sealed his mission and his works with his own blood.” 13
What a fitting tribute to a prophet of God! I pray we may learn from his example, that we might incorporate into our lives the great principles which he so beautifully taught; that we ourselves might emulate him; that our lives might reflect the knowledge we have that God lives, that Jesus is His Son, and that we are led today by a prophet of God.
Ideas for Home Teachers
Some Points to Ponder
How do u feel about our prophet today gordon B hinckley?
President Gordon B. Hinkley, like his predecessors, is a true prophet of God. He is the only prophet, seer, and revelator for this church. I know this for a fact. I love to hear him speak in meetings and General Conference. I know that what he says it true, and no one else can tell me otherwise.
Reply:Consider shortening your question with a link to an article actually written either by or about Pres. Hinkley. Try to avoid making a statement in the form of a question. Report It
Reply:It's true. Just pray to the Father in the name of Jesus Christ and he will send the Spirit to guide you and witness to you it is. Sometimes people make judgments before they know the facts. Sorry ya'll hypocrates Report It
Reply:To answer that question to that mad AA. I want you to know to look up Psalms 80. It says in it that we are are all gods because we are children of God. Jesus said it himself in NT. Research your stuff k. Then come back to me. Report It
Reply:I didn't bother to read the stuff after your first question. He is a false prophet, but he is honest though! The comments that I refer to are the ones he made at the annual conference about the God of Mormonism not being that of the Bible.
Reply:He's the true living prophet - he rules.
^^^ Buzz S, how can he be a false prophet and honest *BY DEFINITION*???
Reply:I love President Hinckley! He is so wonderful and any person in tune with the spirit need only look at him and know that he is truly a prophet. His countenance is bright, happy and to me reflects the Savior.
Reply:A Time for Revival
Scripture:
“The time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears; and they shall turn away their ears from the truth and shall be turned unto fables.” – 2 Timothy 4:3 4 NKJV
Paul prophesied that the time would come when people would not be willing to “endure sound doctrine.” They would have “itching ears.” They would refuse to recognize God’s messengers or believe that His Word is true. Instead of living according to God’s time tested, eternally true standards, they would live according to their own rules and find teachers to reinforce their own desires. Instead of accepting the Bible as God’s Word, they would reinterpret it to satisfy their own subjective opinions. They would set themselves up as gods and reject anything they don’t agree with or understand.
Today, the world is filled with people with “itching ears.” Christians are often accused of having foolish beliefs and being hopelessly out of date, and there can be great pressure to conform. But we cannot give in to worldly perspectives or concede defeat.
God calls each of us to a renewed commitment to His truth. He calls us to base our lives, our decisions, our thoughts, and our plans on His Word. He calls us to submit ourselves wholeheartedly to Him and seek His will. He calls us to listen to His voice and the leading of His Spirit. He calls us to obedience, trusting that He is God and that His Word is true!
Today, commit yourself anew to pleasing God and living according to His Word. Don’t compromise. Pray for a move of God’s Spirit around the world and a return to Godly standards. Pray for revival in our time.
Prayer:
Father, help me to resist the pressure to conform. I believe that Your Word is true, and I will base my life upon it. Bring revival to my nation and the world. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
**************************************...
Title
THEY HAD BEEN WITH JESUS
by Derek Joseph Levendusky
Content
A few years ago, I was praying for revival, and the Holy Spirit spoke to me, “If you’re going to see a revival of souls, first you need to see a revival of laborers.”
So my prayer changed. “Lord,” I cried, “send a revival of laborers who will fulfill the Great Commission!”
The Holy Spirit spoke to me again. “If you’re going to see a revival of laborers, first you need to see a revival of worshippers. If my children will love Me with all their heart, they’ll love the lost with all their heart.”
So my prayer changed again. Now I’m trusting God to fan the flames of a worship movement that will become a missions movement in this generation. Daniel 11:32 says, “They that know their God shall be strong and do great exploits.” Knowing God is the prerequisite for doing anything great for Him. Acts 4:13 says, “Now when they beheld the boldness of Peter and John, and had perceived that they were unlearned and ignorant men, they marveled; and they took knowledge of them, that they had been with Jesus.”
It is a great tragedy when men and women seek to fulfill the Great Commission to “go into all the world” (Matthew 28:19) without first fulfilling the Great Commandment to “love the Lord with all your heart” (Matthew 22:37). Paul said that even if we surrender our body to be burned, but have not love , we gain nothing! Oh, may we be moved by the love of God to reach the nations!
I believe God is raising up a generation that will be moved by His heart, and like Paul the Apostle, cry out before a lost world, “The love of Christ compels me!” (2 Corinthians 5:14) John Piper dedicated a whole book to this topic, which he titled Let the Nations Be Glad . He wrote, “Where passion for God is weak, zeal for missions will be weak. Churches that are not centered on the exaltation of the majesty and beauty of God will scarcely kindle a fervent desire to ‘declare his glory among the nations’ (Psalm 96:3).”
He also wrote, “Missions is not the ultimate goal of the church. Worship is. Missions exists because worship doesn’t.”
I have traveled all over the world ministering to youth, and have seen God birthing a worship movement among the nations. I believe the worship movement sweeping across the earth today will transform into a great missions movement. This is what God is doing in our day! As this young generation draws close to God, it is impossible for them not to be moved by what moves God. This movement will affect our own schools, our own campuses, our own cities, our own country, and will affect the foreign fields of the world.
For years my band Isaiah 6 and I would be invited to two different kinds of events: 1) worship events for youth, and 2) missions events. I would notice several things at these events. At worship events, I noticed that the average age is very young. The worship movement is very young, hip, and cool. It is full of life, but also potentially ingrown. At missions events, I would notice that the average age is very old, and I would find myself asking, “Where are the young people that are answering the call to go?”
Our prayer is that the worship movement and missions movement will collide at Beyond the Song. Imagine with me thousands of young men and women getting away from the world for three days, gathering together to worship God and listen to His heart. Imagine those young men and women crying out, like Isaiah, “Here am I. Send me!” Imagine them actually going to the nations of the world, full of the love, the Word, and the power of God. What would happen?
I believe that God is raising up this generation that has been with Jesus to reach this world for Christ. Prophet-musician Keith Green once said, “This generation of Christians is responsible for this generation of souls on the earth.”
By the grace of God and love of God, we will go and finish the job.
Derek Joseph Levendusky is the founder and director of Isaiah 6 Ministries and Beyond the Song.
Reply:sorry to much to read but we must follow Jesus and look to him not false prophets which are still popping up all over.
Reply:Mormonism is not the true word of God. OT and NT warns people that rewriting and changing the Word has the worst punishment in hell.
Do you really believe you are a god?
Do you really believe lucifer is jesus's brother?
How do you explain all the freemasonic rituals and symbols in mormonism?
the all seeing eye of horus, the compass and square, the apron of the priests, the handshakes, and the fact that Joseph smith was a 33rd degree scottish rite freemason and treasure hunter, who dabbled in the occult to find treasure, and that mormons still cohort with spirits and demons.
Reply:i feel that he is not a ture prophet and one day the true Priphet will come!
Reply:For something so long, I doubt you would recieve much answers because people can't be bothered reading all that.
All I will say, is seen that, heard that, been there, done that, disregard that.
Reply:Okay, my personal testimony is that when I first saw a printed picture of him, I could see the love and light in his eyes, akin to that which I have seen in the eyes of true spiritual leaders like DT Suzuki, Dalai Lama, etc. Those weren't the eyes of Jim Baker, Osama Bin Laden or Kim Il Joong. So I felt inituitively that GBH is a Prophet, (not a punk band).
That being said, I have read his 'mundane' book on virtues and find his insight to bee keen and accurate. In one sense, we are all prophets, and have the full potential to be...because God can bestow this upon us if we simply ask with humble faith. So humility is a quality of a prophet, and GBH exemplifies this.
On a humorous level, if you were the head of a 12 million strong church, wouldn't you have to be prophet...otherwise what would keep you from going bonkers?
One thing I am concerned about is the romanticisation and proximal deification of the Prophet. Some folks treat him with the same reverence they hold for Christ. This includes the current prophet as well as Jos Smith. When LDS members say that GBH or Jos Smith are 'perfect', "flawless", or justify 'every' one of their actions as God-drected, then I smell religion, not spirituality. God is the ultimate authority, we are but trusted servants, to paraphrass Tradition 2 of NA.
Being a prophet subjects a person to harsh persecution (Daniel, Alma) death (Abinadi), deep spiritual trials (Ruth) and a need to completely throw out what they know about 'the Truth' (Habbukuk). And this is just in the Xian tradition. Go beyond this to prophets of Islam, Daoism, Hinduism, and all the New Religions and one finds that the world is quite crowded with prophets. To me, there is a reason why there is 100,000 saints in past/present. If you live by the premise that everything leads to God, then it makes sense to disperse the pathways as widely as possible.
Gordon Hinkley a prophet? Yes. Does he have insight into one of those paths? Yes. Does he commune directly with God? Yes. Can those who heed his prophetic ability and authority be brought to God? Yes.
This I believe.
The Prophet Joseph Smith:
Teacher by Example
By President Thomas S. Monson
Second Counselor in the First Presidency
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Thomas S. Monson, “The Prophet Joseph Smith: Teacher by Example,” Ensign, Jun 1994, 2
“I was born in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and five, on the twenty-third day of December, in the town of Sharon, Windsor county, State of Vermont.” 1 Thus spoke the first prophet of this great dispensation, the dispensation of the fulness of times. These words of the Prophet Joseph Smith and his testimony which follows have been translated into Portuguese, Spanish, Chinese, Russian, German, French, Polish, and almost every language of the civilized world. When read by honest men and honest women, these profound words have changed thinking and have changed lives. This is the value of the simple testimony of the boy prophet, Joseph Smith.
Let us go back to the year of our Lord 1805, on the twenty-third day of December, in the town of Sharon, Windsor County, Vermont. Will you take that journey with me? Will you accompany me as we look back on those dramatic events taking place on that day? As Joseph Smith, Sr., and his wife, Lucy Mack, proudly looked down upon the little baby that had come into their home, I’m certain they were pleased and most grateful to the Lord that the period of her confinement had passed favorably and that this child had been born to them. I can imagine that they might have exclaimed, as did the poet, that this little baby was “a sweet, new blossom of humanity, fresh fallen from God’s own home to flower on earth.” 2 A choice spirit had come to dwell in its earthly tabernacle.
Some have asked, “Did he have an unusual childhood or boyhood?” “Was the Prophet Joseph different from me or my brothers?” I think we could perhaps gain insight into the childhood of the Prophet by reading the words of his mother, Lucy. She said, “I am aware that some of my readers will be disappointed, for … it is thought by some that I shall be likely to tell many very remarkable incidents which attended his childhood; but, as nothing occurred during his early life except those trivial circumstances which are common to that state of human existence, I pass them in silence.” 3 This is all we have from the boy’s mother concerning his early childhood activities.
During his early youth, however, ill health and ill fortune seemed to pursue the family. The good father tried farming in several localities but couldn’t quite succeed in any of them. When young Joseph was seven years old, he and his brothers and sisters were stricken with typhus fever. The others recovered readily, but Joseph was left with a painful sore on his leg, a sore which would not heal. The doctors, doing the best they could under the conditions of the time, treated him—and yet the sore persisted. Finally the doctors were afraid they were going to have to amputate his leg.
We can imagine the grief and the sorrow that would come to parents who were told that the leg of their young son must be removed. Thankfully, however, one day the doctors came unexpectedly to the home, and they told the family that they were going to try a new operation to remove a piece of the bone, hoping that this would permit the sore to heal. They had brought with them some cord and planned to tie Joseph to the bed because they had no anesthetic, nothing to dull the pain, when they cut into his leg to remove the piece of bone.
Young Joseph, however, responded, “I will not be bound, for I can bear the operation much better if I have my liberty.”
The doctors then said, “Will you take some wine? … You must take something, or you can never endure the severe operation.”
Again the boy prophet said, “No, … but I will tell you what I will do—I will have my father sit on the bed and hold me in his arms, and then I will do whatever is necessary in order to have the bone taken out.”
So Joseph Smith, Sr., held the boy in his arms, and the doctors opened the leg and removed the diseased piece of bone. Although he was lame for some time afterward, Joseph was healed. 4 At seven years of age, the Prophet Joseph Smith taught us courage—by example.
When Joseph was in his tenth year, his family, which now consisted of eleven souls, left the state of Vermont and moved to Palmyra, Ontario County, New York. Four years later they moved to Manchester, located in the same county. It was here that Joseph described the great religious revival which seemed everywhere present and of prime concern to every heart. These are his words: “So great were the confusion and strife among the different denominations, that it was impossible for a person young as I was, and so unacquainted with men and things, to come to any certain conclusion who was right and who was wrong. …
“While I was laboring under the extreme difficulties caused by the contests of these parties of religionists, I was one day reading the Epistle of James, first chapter and fifth verse, which reads: If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.” 5
The Prophet said that after reading this verse he knew for a certainty he must either put the Lord to the test and ask Him or perhaps choose to remain in darkness forever. He declared that as he retired to the grove to pray, this was the first time he had attempted to pray vocally to his Heavenly Father. But he had read the scripture, he had understood the scripture, he had trusted in God his Eternal Father; and now he knelt and prayed, knowing that God would give him the enlightenment which he so earnestly sought. The Prophet Joseph Smith taught us the principle of faith—by example.
Can you imagine the ridicule, the scorn, the mocking which all of his young friends, his older friends, and his foes alike must have heaped upon him as he mentioned that he had seen a vision? I suppose that it became almost unbearable for the boy, and yet he was honest with himself, for these are his words: “I had actually seen a light, and in the midst of that light I saw two Personages, and they did in reality speak to me; and though I was hated and persecuted for saying that I had seen a vision, yet it was true; and while they were persecuting me, reviling me, and speaking all manner of evil against me falsely for so saying, I was led to say in my heart: Why persecute me for telling the truth? I have actually seen a vision; and who am I that I can withstand God, or why does the world think to make me deny what I have actually seen? For I had seen a vision; I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it.” 6 The Prophet Joseph Smith taught honesty—by example.
An unusual thing happened after that great first vision. The Prophet Joseph received no additional communication for three years. However, he did not wonder, he did not question, he did not doubt the Lord. The Prophet Joseph patiently waited. The Prophet Joseph taught us the principle of patience—by example.
Following the visits of the angel Moroni and the delivering into the hands of the Prophet the golden plates, he commenced the difficult assignment of translation, which would absorb his every waking moment, his every thought, his every action night and day, perhaps every hour. One can but imagine the dedication, the devotion, and the labor required to translate in less than ninety days this record of over five hundred pages, which covered a period of twenty-six hundred years. There is not an absurd, impossible, or contradictory statement in the entire book. Joseph worked, Joseph studied, Joseph applied himself to his task. The Prophet Joseph Smith taught us diligence—by example.
I love the words Oliver Cowdery used to describe the time he spent assisting Joseph with the translation: “These were days never to be forgotten—to sit under the sound of a voice dictated by the inspiration of heaven, awakened the utmost gratitude of this bosom! Day after day I continued, uninterrupted, to write from his mouth, as he translated with the Urim and Thummim … the history or record called ‘The Book of Mormon.’ ” 7
The Prophet Joseph was truly blessed with the ability to inspire faith. One bright morning Joseph walked up to John E. Page and said, “Brother John, the Lord is calling you on a mission to Canada.”
John E. Page was rather astonished and said, “Why, Brother Joseph, I can’t go on a mission to Canada. I don’t even have a coat to wear.”
The Prophet Joseph took his own coat from his back, handed it to John Page, and said, “Here, John, wear this, and the Lord will bless you.” Brother Page took the coat, went to Canada, and in two years walked five thousand miles and baptized six hundred souls, because he trusted in the words of a prophet of God. 8
On another occasion Joseph was speaking to a group of brethren at Nauvoo on the importance of missionary work, and at the conclusion of his message he had so touched the congregation that 380 elders in the congregation volunteered to immediately embark on missions. 9
The Prophet Joseph believed in missionary work. While he and Sidney Rigdon were proselyting at Perrysburg, New York, 12 October 1833, having been long absent from their families and feeling concerned for them, they received the following revelation:
“Verily, thus saith the Lord unto you, my friends Sidney and Joseph, your families are well; they are in mine hands, and I will do with them as seemeth me good; for in me there is all power.
“Therefore, follow me, and listen to the counsel which I shall give unto you.
“Behold, … I have much people in this place, in the regions round about; and an effectual door shall be opened in the regions round about in this eastern land. …
“Therefore, verily I say unto you, lift up your voices unto this people; speak the thoughts that I shall put into your hearts, and you shall not be confounded before men;
“For it shall be given you … in the very moment, what ye shall say. …
“And I give unto you this promise, that inasmuch as ye do this the Holy Ghost shall be shed forth in bearing record unto all things whatsoever ye shall say.” 10
Joseph and Sidney continued their missionary labors.
Joseph Smith not only inspired men to volunteer for missions, he not only took his own coat and handed it to John Page as he went on his mission, but he also taught the importance of missionary work—by example.
I think one of the sweetest lessons taught by the Prophet, and yet one of the saddest, occurred close to the time of his death. He had seen in vision the Saints leaving Nauvoo and going to the Rocky Mountains. I imagine he felt as did Moses—anxious to lead his people away from their tormentors and into a promised land which the Lord his God had shown him. But it was not to be. Rather, he was required to leave his plan and vision of the Rocky Mountains and give himself up to face a court of supposed justice.
These are his words: “I am going like a lamb to the slaughter; but I am calm as a summer’s morning; I have a conscience void of offense towards God, and towards all men.” 11 That statement of the Prophet teaches us obedience to law and the importance of having a clear conscience toward God and toward our fellowmen. The Prophet Joseph Smith taught these principles—by example.
There was to be one great final lesson before his mortal life ended. He was incarcerated in Carthage Jail with his brother Hyrum, with John Taylor, and with Willard Richards. The angry mob stormed the jail; they came up the stairway, blasphemous in their cursing, heavily armed, and began to fire at will. Hyrum was hit and died. John Taylor took several balls of fire within his bosom. The Prophet Joseph, with his pistol in hand, was attempting to defend his life and that of his brethren, and yet he could tell from the pounding on the door that this mob would storm that door and would kill John Taylor and Willard Richards in an attempt to kill him. And so his last great act here upon the earth was to leave the door and lead Willard Richards to safety, throw the gun on the floor, and go to the window, that they might see him, that the attention of this ruthless mob might be focused upon him rather than the others. Joseph Smith gave his life. Willard Richards was spared, and John Taylor recovered from his wounds. “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” 12 The Prophet Joseph Smith taught us love—by example.
June 27 of this year marks the 150th anniversary of that solemn event when the first prophet of this dispensation sealed his testimony of the Restoration with his blood. I testify that he was a prophet of God. I have seen the Lord convert people to His plan of salvation through the testimony of the Prophet Joseph. Many years ago I served as the president of the Canadian Mission. In the city of Oshawa, Ontario, Canada, two of our missionaries were proselyting door-to-door on a cold, snowy afternoon. They had not had any measure of success. One was experienced, one was new.
The two called at the home of Mr. Elmer Pollard, and he, feeling sympathy for the almost frozen missionaries, invited them in. They presented their message and asked if he would join them in prayer. He agreed, on the provision that he could offer the prayer.
The prayer he offered astonished the missionaries. He said, “Heavenly Father, bless these two unfortunate, misguided missionaries, that they may return to their homes and not waste their time telling the people of Canada about a message which is so fantastic and about which they know so little.”
As they arose from their knees, Mr. Pollard asked the missionaries never to return to his home. As they left, he mockingly said to them, “You can’t tell me you really believe that Joseph Smith is a prophet of God, anyway!” and he shut the door.
The missionaries had walked but a short distance when the junior companion said, “Elder, we didn’t answer Mr. Pollard.”
The senior companion said, “We’ve been evicted. Let’s move on to greener territory.”
The young missionary persisted, however, and the two returned to Mr. Pollard’s door. Mr. Pollard answered the knock and angrily said, “I thought I told you young men never to return!”
The junior companion then said, with all the courage he could muster, “Mr. Pollard, when we left your door, you said that we didn’t really believe Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. I want to testify to you, Mr. Pollard, that I know Joseph Smith is a prophet of God; that by inspiration he translated the sacred record known as the Book of Mormon; that he did see God the Father and Jesus the Son.” The missionaries then departed the doorstep.
I heard this same Mr. Pollard, in a testimony meeting, state the experiences of that memorable day. He said: “That evening, sleep would not come. I tossed and turned. Over and over in my mind I heard the words, ‘Joseph Smith is a prophet of God. I know it … I know it … I know it.’ I could scarcely wait for morning to come. I telephoned the missionaries, using the address which was printed on the small card containing the Articles of Faith that they had left with me. They returned; and this time, with the correct spirit, my wife and family and I joined in the discussion as earnest seekers of truth. As a result, we have all embraced the gospel of Jesus Christ. We shall ever be grateful to the testimony of truth brought to us by courageous, humble missionaries.”
In the 135th section of the Doctrine and Covenants we read the words of John Taylor concerning the Prophet Joseph:
“Joseph Smith, the Prophet and Seer of the Lord, has done more, save Jesus only, for the salvation of men in this world, than any other man that ever lived in it. In the short space of twenty years, he has brought forth the Book of Mormon, which he translated by the gift and power of God, and has been the means of publishing it on two continents; has sent the fulness of the everlasting gospel, which it contained, to the four quarters of the earth; has brought forth the revelations and commandments which compose this book of Doctrine and Covenants, and many other wise documents and instructions … ; gathered many thousands of the Latter-day Saints, founded a great city, and left a fame and name that cannot be slain. He lived great, and he died great in the eyes of God and his people; and like most of the Lord’s anointed in ancient times, has sealed his mission and his works with his own blood.” 13
What a fitting tribute to a prophet of God! I pray we may learn from his example, that we might incorporate into our lives the great principles which he so beautifully taught; that we ourselves might emulate him; that our lives might reflect the knowledge we have that God lives, that Jesus is His Son, and that we are led today by a prophet of God.
Ideas for Home Teachers
Some Points to Ponder
How do u feel about our prophet today gordon B hinckley?
President Gordon B. Hinkley, like his predecessors, is a true prophet of God. He is the only prophet, seer, and revelator for this church. I know this for a fact. I love to hear him speak in meetings and General Conference. I know that what he says it true, and no one else can tell me otherwise.
Reply:Consider shortening your question with a link to an article actually written either by or about Pres. Hinkley. Try to avoid making a statement in the form of a question. Report It
Reply:It's true. Just pray to the Father in the name of Jesus Christ and he will send the Spirit to guide you and witness to you it is. Sometimes people make judgments before they know the facts. Sorry ya'll hypocrates Report It
Reply:To answer that question to that mad AA. I want you to know to look up Psalms 80. It says in it that we are are all gods because we are children of God. Jesus said it himself in NT. Research your stuff k. Then come back to me. Report It
Reply:I didn't bother to read the stuff after your first question. He is a false prophet, but he is honest though! The comments that I refer to are the ones he made at the annual conference about the God of Mormonism not being that of the Bible.
Reply:He's the true living prophet - he rules.
^^^ Buzz S, how can he be a false prophet and honest *BY DEFINITION*???
Reply:I love President Hinckley! He is so wonderful and any person in tune with the spirit need only look at him and know that he is truly a prophet. His countenance is bright, happy and to me reflects the Savior.
Reply:A Time for Revival
Scripture:
“The time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears; and they shall turn away their ears from the truth and shall be turned unto fables.” – 2 Timothy 4:3 4 NKJV
Paul prophesied that the time would come when people would not be willing to “endure sound doctrine.” They would have “itching ears.” They would refuse to recognize God’s messengers or believe that His Word is true. Instead of living according to God’s time tested, eternally true standards, they would live according to their own rules and find teachers to reinforce their own desires. Instead of accepting the Bible as God’s Word, they would reinterpret it to satisfy their own subjective opinions. They would set themselves up as gods and reject anything they don’t agree with or understand.
Today, the world is filled with people with “itching ears.” Christians are often accused of having foolish beliefs and being hopelessly out of date, and there can be great pressure to conform. But we cannot give in to worldly perspectives or concede defeat.
God calls each of us to a renewed commitment to His truth. He calls us to base our lives, our decisions, our thoughts, and our plans on His Word. He calls us to submit ourselves wholeheartedly to Him and seek His will. He calls us to listen to His voice and the leading of His Spirit. He calls us to obedience, trusting that He is God and that His Word is true!
Today, commit yourself anew to pleasing God and living according to His Word. Don’t compromise. Pray for a move of God’s Spirit around the world and a return to Godly standards. Pray for revival in our time.
Prayer:
Father, help me to resist the pressure to conform. I believe that Your Word is true, and I will base my life upon it. Bring revival to my nation and the world. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
**************************************...
Title
THEY HAD BEEN WITH JESUS
by Derek Joseph Levendusky
Content
A few years ago, I was praying for revival, and the Holy Spirit spoke to me, “If you’re going to see a revival of souls, first you need to see a revival of laborers.”
So my prayer changed. “Lord,” I cried, “send a revival of laborers who will fulfill the Great Commission!”
The Holy Spirit spoke to me again. “If you’re going to see a revival of laborers, first you need to see a revival of worshippers. If my children will love Me with all their heart, they’ll love the lost with all their heart.”
So my prayer changed again. Now I’m trusting God to fan the flames of a worship movement that will become a missions movement in this generation. Daniel 11:32 says, “They that know their God shall be strong and do great exploits.” Knowing God is the prerequisite for doing anything great for Him. Acts 4:13 says, “Now when they beheld the boldness of Peter and John, and had perceived that they were unlearned and ignorant men, they marveled; and they took knowledge of them, that they had been with Jesus.”
It is a great tragedy when men and women seek to fulfill the Great Commission to “go into all the world” (Matthew 28:19) without first fulfilling the Great Commandment to “love the Lord with all your heart” (Matthew 22:37). Paul said that even if we surrender our body to be burned, but have not love , we gain nothing! Oh, may we be moved by the love of God to reach the nations!
I believe God is raising up a generation that will be moved by His heart, and like Paul the Apostle, cry out before a lost world, “The love of Christ compels me!” (2 Corinthians 5:14) John Piper dedicated a whole book to this topic, which he titled Let the Nations Be Glad . He wrote, “Where passion for God is weak, zeal for missions will be weak. Churches that are not centered on the exaltation of the majesty and beauty of God will scarcely kindle a fervent desire to ‘declare his glory among the nations’ (Psalm 96:3).”
He also wrote, “Missions is not the ultimate goal of the church. Worship is. Missions exists because worship doesn’t.”
I have traveled all over the world ministering to youth, and have seen God birthing a worship movement among the nations. I believe the worship movement sweeping across the earth today will transform into a great missions movement. This is what God is doing in our day! As this young generation draws close to God, it is impossible for them not to be moved by what moves God. This movement will affect our own schools, our own campuses, our own cities, our own country, and will affect the foreign fields of the world.
For years my band Isaiah 6 and I would be invited to two different kinds of events: 1) worship events for youth, and 2) missions events. I would notice several things at these events. At worship events, I noticed that the average age is very young. The worship movement is very young, hip, and cool. It is full of life, but also potentially ingrown. At missions events, I would notice that the average age is very old, and I would find myself asking, “Where are the young people that are answering the call to go?”
Our prayer is that the worship movement and missions movement will collide at Beyond the Song. Imagine with me thousands of young men and women getting away from the world for three days, gathering together to worship God and listen to His heart. Imagine those young men and women crying out, like Isaiah, “Here am I. Send me!” Imagine them actually going to the nations of the world, full of the love, the Word, and the power of God. What would happen?
I believe that God is raising up this generation that has been with Jesus to reach this world for Christ. Prophet-musician Keith Green once said, “This generation of Christians is responsible for this generation of souls on the earth.”
By the grace of God and love of God, we will go and finish the job.
Derek Joseph Levendusky is the founder and director of Isaiah 6 Ministries and Beyond the Song.
Reply:sorry to much to read but we must follow Jesus and look to him not false prophets which are still popping up all over.
Reply:Mormonism is not the true word of God. OT and NT warns people that rewriting and changing the Word has the worst punishment in hell.
Do you really believe you are a god?
Do you really believe lucifer is jesus's brother?
How do you explain all the freemasonic rituals and symbols in mormonism?
the all seeing eye of horus, the compass and square, the apron of the priests, the handshakes, and the fact that Joseph smith was a 33rd degree scottish rite freemason and treasure hunter, who dabbled in the occult to find treasure, and that mormons still cohort with spirits and demons.
Reply:i feel that he is not a ture prophet and one day the true Priphet will come!
Reply:For something so long, I doubt you would recieve much answers because people can't be bothered reading all that.
All I will say, is seen that, heard that, been there, done that, disregard that.
Reply:Okay, my personal testimony is that when I first saw a printed picture of him, I could see the love and light in his eyes, akin to that which I have seen in the eyes of true spiritual leaders like DT Suzuki, Dalai Lama, etc. Those weren't the eyes of Jim Baker, Osama Bin Laden or Kim Il Joong. So I felt inituitively that GBH is a Prophet, (not a punk band).
That being said, I have read his 'mundane' book on virtues and find his insight to bee keen and accurate. In one sense, we are all prophets, and have the full potential to be...because God can bestow this upon us if we simply ask with humble faith. So humility is a quality of a prophet, and GBH exemplifies this.
On a humorous level, if you were the head of a 12 million strong church, wouldn't you have to be prophet...otherwise what would keep you from going bonkers?
One thing I am concerned about is the romanticisation and proximal deification of the Prophet. Some folks treat him with the same reverence they hold for Christ. This includes the current prophet as well as Jos Smith. When LDS members say that GBH or Jos Smith are 'perfect', "flawless", or justify 'every' one of their actions as God-drected, then I smell religion, not spirituality. God is the ultimate authority, we are but trusted servants, to paraphrass Tradition 2 of NA.
Being a prophet subjects a person to harsh persecution (Daniel, Alma) death (Abinadi), deep spiritual trials (Ruth) and a need to completely throw out what they know about 'the Truth' (Habbukuk). And this is just in the Xian tradition. Go beyond this to prophets of Islam, Daoism, Hinduism, and all the New Religions and one finds that the world is quite crowded with prophets. To me, there is a reason why there is 100,000 saints in past/present. If you live by the premise that everything leads to God, then it makes sense to disperse the pathways as widely as possible.
Gordon Hinkley a prophet? Yes. Does he have insight into one of those paths? Yes. Does he commune directly with God? Yes. Can those who heed his prophetic ability and authority be brought to God? Yes.
This I believe.
Please help me with my biology ten points?
11. Most anthophyte leaves are thin with a large surface area. This structure enhances the plant's ability to ____. (1 point)
take in water
balance and stay upright
store food
photosynthesize
12. A plant's response to an external stimulus that comes from a particular direction is called ____. (1 point)
tropism
nastic response
flowering
cell division
13. The epidermal structures that control the exchange of gases are called ____. (1 point)
mesophyll
trichomes
root hairs
stomata
15. What is the most likely seed dispersal mechanism for a seed with winglike structures? (1 point)
eaten by animals
catch in animal fur
wind
water
16. The fertilization of the central nucleus in a flowering plant produces a ____. (1 point)
triploid nucleus
zygote
diploid nucleus
haploid egg
17. What type of symmetry does a penny have? (1 point)
bilateral symmetry
radial symmetry
no symmetry
biaxial symmetry
42. Organ transplant patients are given a drug called cyclosporine to suppress the body's defenses against the transplanted organ. Why is this necessary? (3 points)
43. How does the buildup of lactic acid in muscle cells result in more oxygen being delivered to your cells? (4 points)
44. In what way does an instinctive behavior pattern differ from a reflex? (3 points)
45. How is a bird's body adapted for flight? Describe 3 adaptations. (3 points)
46. How does the three-chambered heart equip amphibians for life on land? (3 points)
47. How does living in colonies contribute to the survival of bees? (3 points)
Alvin, a submersible vehicle used by oceanographers to study the ocean floor, has also proved invaluable in studying populations of deep-sea mollusks and segmented tube worms. The invertebrates in question live where hot seawater circulates through cracks in the ocean floor called deep-sea vents.
Suppose that you are an invertebrate biologist studying these animals. Your studies show that clams that live near the vents may grow as much as 3.8 cm per year—far more rapidly than other deep-water clams.
48. Suppose your data show that the temperature is the same in samples taken close to the vents and some distance away from the vents. However, the size of the clams is smaller the farther they are from the vents. What would this indicate? (3 points)
Figure 19–1
49. You have a vial of Carchesium polypinum, a species of ciliates found in wastewater. You have just read that these protozoans produce a kind of mucus, which they secrete into the water. You wish to develop a laboratory model of wastewater treatment. As your model, you drop some India ink into a beaker of tap water and add a vial of ciliates. What effect might the mucus produced by the Carchesium have on the India ink? How might you apply your results to the effect of mucus on waste matter in water? You can refer to Figure 19–1. (3 points)
50. For a period of time, bacteria were classified as plants. Why do you think bacteria were classified this way? Give at least two reasons why bacteria should not be classified as plants. (3 points)
Please help me with my biology ten points?
Just look up some of the answers on wikipedia and remove the ones that dont work. No ones gonna take 30mins to do you hw. Just take the time and learn it.
take in water
balance and stay upright
store food
photosynthesize
12. A plant's response to an external stimulus that comes from a particular direction is called ____. (1 point)
tropism
nastic response
flowering
cell division
13. The epidermal structures that control the exchange of gases are called ____. (1 point)
mesophyll
trichomes
root hairs
stomata
15. What is the most likely seed dispersal mechanism for a seed with winglike structures? (1 point)
eaten by animals
catch in animal fur
wind
water
16. The fertilization of the central nucleus in a flowering plant produces a ____. (1 point)
triploid nucleus
zygote
diploid nucleus
haploid egg
17. What type of symmetry does a penny have? (1 point)
bilateral symmetry
radial symmetry
no symmetry
biaxial symmetry
42. Organ transplant patients are given a drug called cyclosporine to suppress the body's defenses against the transplanted organ. Why is this necessary? (3 points)
43. How does the buildup of lactic acid in muscle cells result in more oxygen being delivered to your cells? (4 points)
44. In what way does an instinctive behavior pattern differ from a reflex? (3 points)
45. How is a bird's body adapted for flight? Describe 3 adaptations. (3 points)
46. How does the three-chambered heart equip amphibians for life on land? (3 points)
47. How does living in colonies contribute to the survival of bees? (3 points)
Alvin, a submersible vehicle used by oceanographers to study the ocean floor, has also proved invaluable in studying populations of deep-sea mollusks and segmented tube worms. The invertebrates in question live where hot seawater circulates through cracks in the ocean floor called deep-sea vents.
Suppose that you are an invertebrate biologist studying these animals. Your studies show that clams that live near the vents may grow as much as 3.8 cm per year—far more rapidly than other deep-water clams.
48. Suppose your data show that the temperature is the same in samples taken close to the vents and some distance away from the vents. However, the size of the clams is smaller the farther they are from the vents. What would this indicate? (3 points)
Figure 19–1
49. You have a vial of Carchesium polypinum, a species of ciliates found in wastewater. You have just read that these protozoans produce a kind of mucus, which they secrete into the water. You wish to develop a laboratory model of wastewater treatment. As your model, you drop some India ink into a beaker of tap water and add a vial of ciliates. What effect might the mucus produced by the Carchesium have on the India ink? How might you apply your results to the effect of mucus on waste matter in water? You can refer to Figure 19–1. (3 points)
50. For a period of time, bacteria were classified as plants. Why do you think bacteria were classified this way? Give at least two reasons why bacteria should not be classified as plants. (3 points)
Please help me with my biology ten points?
Just look up some of the answers on wikipedia and remove the ones that dont work. No ones gonna take 30mins to do you hw. Just take the time and learn it.
101 Chuck Norris Facts?
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris doesn?t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over thePacific Ocean.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'till." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodge ball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother?s womb.
If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn?t get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris's urine was the main ingredient for balco's designer steroids. Therefore, Chuck Norris is actually the all-time single-season home run king.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Chuck Norris? house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Chuck Norris doesn?t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score a 1600.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his *** kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
Chuck Norris brings the noise AND the funk.
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother?s womb.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero
101 Chuck Norris Facts?
"the best part of waking up isn't Folgers in your cup!
the best part of waking up is know that you weren't killed by Chuck Norris in your sleep"
hahaha I LOVE THIS ONE!
i almost peed a little, and my sides hurt.
but u get a million stars
and stop catching and strangling my Smurfs
Reply:O_O
Reply:Chuck Norris can list 102.
Reply:I first read these in some site, last month. think you're such a fan eh ......to type it here all of them. when i first read this facts about chuck norris, i laugh too. still.....i chuckle.
cannot LOL right now, my boss watching!! But I give you a star 4 typing it for us....chuckle...chuckle....my boss still watching.
platform flip flops
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris doesn?t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over thePacific Ocean.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'till." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodge ball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother?s womb.
If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn?t get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris's urine was the main ingredient for balco's designer steroids. Therefore, Chuck Norris is actually the all-time single-season home run king.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Chuck Norris? house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Chuck Norris doesn?t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score a 1600.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his *** kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
Chuck Norris brings the noise AND the funk.
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother?s womb.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero
101 Chuck Norris Facts?
"the best part of waking up isn't Folgers in your cup!
the best part of waking up is know that you weren't killed by Chuck Norris in your sleep"
hahaha I LOVE THIS ONE!
i almost peed a little, and my sides hurt.
but u get a million stars
and stop catching and strangling my Smurfs
Reply:O_O
Reply:Chuck Norris can list 102.
Reply:I first read these in some site, last month. think you're such a fan eh ......to type it here all of them. when i first read this facts about chuck norris, i laugh too. still.....i chuckle.
cannot LOL right now, my boss watching!! But I give you a star 4 typing it for us....chuckle...chuckle....my boss still watching.
platform flip flops
The FACT about Chuck Norris?
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris doesn?t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over thePacific Ocean.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'till." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodge ball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother?s womb.
If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn?t get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris's urine was the main ingredient for balco's designer steroids. Therefore, Chuck Norris is actually the all-time single-season home run king.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Chuck Norris? house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Chuck Norris doesn?t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score a 1600.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his *** kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
Chuck Norris brings the noise AND the funk.
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother?s womb.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero
The FACT about Chuck Norris?
Here's one that i don't think you had:
Life is like a box of chocolates- you never know when Chuck Norris is gonna kill you!~
:-\
Reply:although these made me laugh my butt off, I've already heard most of them by 2 years ago.
Reply:Chuck Norris can do a number two standing up.
Reply:I started to read this, but it's way too long.
Reply:WAYYYY TOO LONGG
Reply:I am not going to lie. I read the first few lines, fell asleep, and then tried to read some more but it is way too long. *yawn*
~Candice~
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris doesn?t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over thePacific Ocean.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'till." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodge ball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother?s womb.
If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn?t get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris's urine was the main ingredient for balco's designer steroids. Therefore, Chuck Norris is actually the all-time single-season home run king.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Chuck Norris? house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Chuck Norris doesn?t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score a 1600.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his *** kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
Chuck Norris brings the noise AND the funk.
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother?s womb.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero
The FACT about Chuck Norris?
Here's one that i don't think you had:
Life is like a box of chocolates- you never know when Chuck Norris is gonna kill you!~
:-\
Reply:although these made me laugh my butt off, I've already heard most of them by 2 years ago.
Reply:Chuck Norris can do a number two standing up.
Reply:I started to read this, but it's way too long.
Reply:WAYYYY TOO LONGG
Reply:I am not going to lie. I read the first few lines, fell asleep, and then tried to read some more but it is way too long. *yawn*
~Candice~
Why are there so many scientific and historical innacuracies in the word of your God?
Science and History in the Bible
All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you.--Lev.11:20
Arguments cannot be answered by personal abuse.... Should it turn out that I am the worst man in the whole world, the story of the flood will remain just as improbable as before, and the contradictions of the Pentateuch will still demand an explanation. -- Robert Ingersoll, Some Mistakes of Moses
Genesis
The Genesis 1 creation account conflicts with the order of events that are known to science. In Genesis, the earth is created before light and stars, birds and whales before reptiles and insects, and flowering plants before any animals. The true order of events was just the opposite. 1:1-2:3
God creates light and separates light from darkness, and day from night, on the first day. Yet he didn't make the light producing objects (the sun and the stars) until the fourth day (1:14-19). And how could there be "the evening and the morning" on the first day if there was no sun to mark them? 1:3-5
God spends one-sixth of his entire creative effort (the second day) working on a solid firmament. This strange structure, which God calls heaven, is intended to separate the higher waters from the lower waters. 1:6-8
Plants are made on the third day before there was a sun to drive their photosynthetic processes (1:14-19). 1:11
God lets "the earth bring forth" the plants, rather than creating them directly. Maybe Genesis is not so anti-evolution after all. 1:11
In an apparent endorsement of astrology, God places the sun, moon, and stars in the firmament so that they can be used "for signs". This, of course, is exactly what astrologers do: read "the signs" in the Zodiac in an effort to predict what will happen on Earth. 1:14
God makes two lights: "the greater light [the sun] to rule the day, and the lesser light [the moon] to rule the night." But the moon is not a light, but only reflects light from the sun. And why, if God made the moon to "rule the night", does it spend half of its time moving through the daytime sky? 1:16
"He made the stars also." God spends a day making light (before making the stars) and separating light from darkness; then, at the end of a hard day's work, and almost as an afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars. 1:16
"And God set them [the stars] in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth." 1:17
In verse 11, God "let the earth bring forth" the plants. Now he has the earth "bring forth" the animals as well. So maybe the creationists have it all wrong. Maybe God created livings things through the process of evolution. 1:24
God gave humans dominion over every other living thing on earth. 1:26
God commands us to "be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over ... every living thing that moveth upon the earth." 1:28
"I have given you every herb ... and every tree ... for meat." 1:29
All animals were originally herbivores. Tapeworms, vampire bats, mosquitoes, and barracudas -- all were strict vegetarians, as they were created by God. 1:30
"God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good." He purposefully designed a system that ensures the suffering and death of all his creatures, parasite and host, predator and prey. 1:31
In Genesis 1 the entire creation takes 6 days, but the universe is at least 12 billion years old, with new stars constantly being formed. 1:31
Humans were not created instantaneously from dust and breath, but evolved over millions of years from simpler life forms. 2:7
After making the animals, God has Adam name them all. The naming of several million species must have kept Adam busy for a while. 2:18-22
God fashions a woman out of one of Adam's ribs.
Because of this story, it was commonly believed (and sometimes it is still said today) that males have one less rib than females. When Vesalius showed in 1543 that the number of ribs was the same in males and females, it created a storm of controversy. 2:19
God curses the serpent. From now on the serpent will crawl on his belly and eat dust. One wonders how he got around before -- by hopping on his tail, perhaps? But snakes don't eat dust, do they? 3:14
Because Adam listened to Eve, God cursed the ground and causes thorns and thistles to grow. Before this, according to the (false) Genesis story, plants had no natural defenses. The rose had no thorn, cacti were spineless, holly leaves were smooth, and the nettle had no sting. Foxgloves, oleander, and milkweeds were all perfectly safe to eat. 3:17-18
"There were giants in the earth in those days." Well, I suppose it's good to know that. But why is there no archaeological evidence for the existence of these giants? 6:4
Noah is told to make an ark that is 450 feet long. 6:14-15
Whether by twos or by sevens, Noah takes male and female representatives from each species of "every thing that creepeth upon the earth." 7:8
God opens the "windows of heaven." He does this every time it rains. 7:11
All of the animals boarded the ark "in the selfsame day." 7:13-14
The flood covered the highest mountain tops (Mount Everest?) with fifteen cubits to spare. 7:20
"The windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained." This happens whenever it stops raining. 8:2
Noah sends a dove out to see if there was any dry land. But the dove returns without finding any. Then, just seven days later, the dove goes out again and returns with an olive leaf. But how could an olive tree survive the flood? And if any seeds happened to survive, they certainly wouldn't germinate and grow leaves within a seven day period. 8:8-11
When the animals left the ark, what would they have eaten? There would have been no plants after the ground had been submerged for nearly a year. What would the carnivores have eaten? Whatever prey they ate would have gone extinct. And how did the New World primates or the Australian marsupials find their way back after the flood subsided? 8:19
Noah kills the "clean beasts" and burns their dead bodies for God. According to 7:8 this would have caused the extinction of all "clean" animals since only two of each were taken onto the ark. 8:20-21
"Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth." Although this would have been good advice for the mythical Noah, it is deadly advice for humankind as a whole. Overpopulation is one of our greatest problems, yet there is nothing in the bible to address it. 9:1
According to this verse, all animals fear humans. Although it is true that many do, it is also true that some do not. Sharks and grizzly bears, for example, are generally much less afraid of us than we are of them. 9:2
"Into your hand are they (the animals) delivered." God gave the animals to humans, and they can do whatever they please with them. This verse has been used by bible believers to justify all kinds of cruelty to animals and environmental destruction. 9:2
God is rightly filled with remorse for having killed his creatures. He even puts the rainbow in the sky to remind himself of his promise to the animals not to do it again. But rainbows are caused by the nature of light, the refractive index of water, and the shape of raindrops. There were rainbows billions of years before humans existed. 9:13
Some creationists believe that this verse refers to continental drift, which, they say, began to occur during the days of Pelag (which means "division"), about 100 or so years after the flood. But many other creationists disagree. 10:25
"The whole earth was of one language." But this could not be true, since by this time (around 2400 BCE) there were already many languages, each unintelligible to the others. 11:1, 6
God worries that people could build a tower high enough to reach him (them?) in heaven, and that by so doing they will become omnipotent. 11:4-6
According to the Tower of Babel story, the many human languages were created instantaneously by God. But actually the various languages evolved gradually over long periods of time. 11:9
The ridiculously long lives of the patriarchs. 11:10-32
"And they returned to the land of the Philistines." But the Philistines didn't arrive in the region of Canaan until around 1200 BCE -- 800 years after Abraham's supposed migration from Ur. 21:32, 26:1, 8, 15, 18
Laban learns "by experience" that God has blessed him for Jacob's sake. "By experience" means "by divination", at least that is how most other versions translate this verse. 30:27
Jacob displays his (and God's) knowledge of biology by having goats copulate while looking at streaked rods. The result is streaked baby goats. 30:37-39
God (or an angel) praises Jacob for his fancy genetic work in Gen.30:37-39. 31:11-12
Joseph and his magic divining cup. 44:5, 44:15
Exodus
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 16:35
The Israelite population went from 70 (or 75) to several million in a few hundred years. 1:5,7, 12:37, 38:26
Why are some people born with disabilities? Because God deliberately makes them that way. 4:11
God led the Israelites through the land of the Philistines, hundreds of years before the Philistines were established in Canaan. 13:17
"The manna referred to in the Bible, in Exodus 16:14, seems to have been the dried excrement of Trabutina mannipara, a scale insect that feeds on tamarisk trees." Benjamin B. Normark, The Sex Lives of Scales, Natural History, Sept. 2004. 16:14-15
"In six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them."
Believers often say that the "days" of creation should be taken allegorically, but this verse is quite clear. God created the universe in six 24 hour days. 20:11
Leviticus
The bible says that hares and coneys are unclean because they "chew the cud" but do not part the hoof. But hares and coneys are not ruminants and they do not "chew the cud." 11:5-6
Bats are birds to the biblical God. 11:13, 19
Be sure to watch out for those "other flying creeping things which have four feet." (I wish God wouldn't get so technical!) I guess he must mean four-legged insects. You'd think that since God made the insects, and so many of them (at least several million species), that he would know how many legs they have! 11:23
God's law for lepers: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird in the blood of the dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, and then let the blood-soaked bird fly off. Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood on the patient's right ear, thumb, and big toe. Sprinkle seven times with oil and wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe. Repeat. Finally kill a couple doves and offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. 14:2-52
Numbers
The Israelite population went from seventy (Ex.1:5) to several million (over 600,000 adult males) in just a few generations! 1:45-46
God sends quails to feed his people until they were "two cubits [about a meter] high upon the face of the earth." Taking the "face of the earth" to be a circle with a radius of say 30 kilometers (an approximate day's journey), this would amount to 3 trillion (3x1012) liters of quails. At 2 quails per liter, this would provide a couple million quails for each of several million people. 11:31
God strikes Miriam with leprosy. (In the Bible, leprosy is caused by the wrath of God or the malice of Satan.) 12:10
"And there we saw the giants ... And we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight." This statement may have been figurative, hyperbole, typical biblical exaggeration, or an actual description of the sons of Anak, in which case they must have been about 100 meters tall. These are the same giants (the Nephilium) that resulted when the "sons of God" mated with "the daughters of men in Gen.6:4. Of course these superhuman god-men should have been destroyed in the flood. So what are they doing still alive? 13:33
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 14:33, 32:13
God's cure for snakebite: a brass serpent on a pole. 21:8
God has "the strength of a unicorn." Oh heck, I bet he's even stronger than a unicorn. 23:22, 24:8
Deuteronomy
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 2:7, 8:2, 29:5
"A land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time." (They must have been much more common back then.) 2:10-11, 20-21
Og, the king of the giants, was a tall man, even by NBA standards. His bed measured 9 by 4 cubits (13.5 feet long and 6 feet wide). 3:11
God promises to cast out seven nations including the Amorites, Canaanites, and the Jebusites. But he was unable to fulfill his promise. These nations were "greater and mightier" than the Israelites, who according to Ex.12:37 and Num.1:45-46 already had numbered several million. So the region, according to the bible, must have had a population of more than twenty million! 7:1
This verse mistakenly says that the hare chews its cud. 14:7-8
To the biblical God, a bat is just an another unclean bird. 14:11, 18
"Their wine is the poison of dragons." I wonder what genus and species the bible is referring to when it mentions dragons. 32:33
Joseph's "horns are like the horns of a unicorn." 33:17
Joshua
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 5:6
In Joshua 8 the Israelites destroy Ai and make it a desolate heap. But Ai was an abandoned city by the time of the Israelites and this story is a myth invented to explain the ruins of an ancient city that the Israelites encountered. See Archaeology and Biblical Accuracy by Farrell Till. 8:1-29
This verse says that Ai was never again occupied after it was destroyed by Joshua. But Nehemiah (7:32) lists it among the cities of Israel at the time of the Babylonian captivity. 8:28
In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun stand still so that Joshua can get all his killing done before dark. 10:12-13
"And the coast of Og king of Bashan, which as of the remnant of the giants...." 12:4, 18:6
Judges
"The stars in their courses fought against Sisera." Unless astrology is true, how can the stars affect the outcome of a battle? 5:20
"As the sun ... goeth forth in his might." The sun, according to the bible, goes around the earth. 5:31
1 Samuel
"The pillars of the earth are the LORD's, and he hath set the world upon them. 2:8
Goliath was ten feet tall ("six cubits and a span"). 17:4
2 Samuel
In what is surely a biblical exaggeration, we are told that "the servants of David" killed 20,000 soldiers in one day. And that "the wood [forest] devoured more people that day than the sword devoured." It must have been spooky forest to have devoured more than 20,000 soldiers. There were probably lots of lions and tigers and bears. (Oh my!)18:7-8
The earth shakes, the foundations of heaven move, smoke comes out of God's nostrils, and fire out of his mouth. 22:8-16
How many soldiers did Israel have? This verse says that Judah and Israel had a total of 1,300,000 fighting men (1 Chr.21:5 says 1,570,000) in this battle. Of course, this is a ridiculously high number for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 24:9
1 Kings
This verse implies that the value of p is 3. (The actual value is approximately 3.14159.) 7:23
God creates droughts by causing "heaven to shut up" as a punishment for sin. 8:35
Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king Jeroboam. 13:4
2 Kings
Elisha cures a leper, but only after the leper dips himself seven times in the Jordan. 5:14
Elisha not only can cure leprosy, he can also dish it out. Here he makes his servant (Gehazi) and all his descendants lepers forever. 5:27
A dead body is brought to life when it accidentally touches the bones of Elisha. 13:21
Isaiah, with a little help from God, makes the sun move backwards ten degrees. Now that's quite a trick. All at once, the earth stopped spinning and then reversed its direction of rotation. Or maybe the sun traveled around the earth in those days! 20:11
1 Chronicles
Some creationists believe that this verse (and Gen.10:25) refers to continental drift, which, they say, began to occur during the days of Pelag (which means "division"), about 100 or so years after the flood. 1:19
"The earth ... shall be stable, that it be not moved." It doesn't spin on its axis or travel about the sun. 16:30
According to this verse David's army had 1,100,000 men from Israel and 470,000 men from Judah, Of course, this numbers is ridiculously high for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 21:5 David provides Solomon with a fantastically large amount of gold and silver with which to build the temple: 100,000 talents of gold and 1,000,000 talents of silver. Since a talent was about 60 pounds, this would be about 3,000 tons of gold and 30,000 tons of silver. 22:14
King David collects ten thousand drams (or darics) for the construction of the temple in Jerusalem. This is especially interesting since darics were coins named after King Darius I who lived some five hundred years after David. 29:7
As usual, the reported amounts of gold, silver, and iron are grossly exaggerated. (100,000 talents of iron, for example, would be about 34 million kilograms.) 29:7
2 Chronicles
Since the molten sea was round with a diameter of ten cubits and a circumference of thirty cubits, we know that the biblical value of p is 3. (The actual value is approximately 3.14159.) 4:2
Abijah spoke to 1,200,000 soldiers at one time. (He had a really loud voice.) 13:3-4
500,000 soldiers die in a single God-assisted slaughter. 13:16-17
In the largest single God-assisted massacre in the bible, Asa, with God's help, kills one million Ethiopians. 14:8-14
Asa, when he had a foot disease, went to physicians instead of seeking the Lord. (God disapproves of those who seek medical help rather than "seeking the Lord.") 16:12
God makes Uzziah a leper for burning incense without a license. 26:19-21
Esther
"Haman thought in his heart." Most people think with their heads, but biblical folks think with their hearts. 6:6
Job
The earth rests upon pillars and doesn't move (unless God gets angry or something). 9:6
"Which commandeth the sun, and it riseth not."
The earth is fixed and the sun travels about it. 9:7
Heaven is set upon pillars that tremble when God gets mad. 26:11
The earth is set on foundations and it does not move. 38:4-6
God has snow and hail all stored up to use later "in time of trouble." 38:22
God spread out the sky, which is a solid structure, hard and strong like a mirror. 37:18
Ostriches are not cruel and stupid birds who abandon their eggs to die after laying them, as these verses imply. They are, in fact, careful and attentive parents. The male scoops out a hollow for the eggs, which are incubated by the female during the day and the male at night. After the eggs are hatched, they are cared for by the mother for over a month, at which time the chicks can keep up with running adults. 39:13-16
The bible is wrong about ostriches being cruel and inattentive parents (39:13-16). But if they were, whose fault would it be? Why would God deprive them of the tools that are needed to do the job right? 39:17
Bible believers have identified the behemoth as a hippopotamus, dinosaur, wildebeest, or crocodile. But my favorite is the way these verses are translated by Stephen Mitchell: "Look now: the Beast that I made: he eats grass like a bull. Look: the power in his thighs, the pulsing sinews of his belly. His penis stiffens like a pine; his testicles bulge with vigor." 40:15-16
"Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook? or his tongue with a cord?" 41:1-34
Psalms
The earth shakes whenever God really gets mad. 18:7
"The foundations of the world were discovered ... at the blast of the breath of thy nostrils." (The earth is set on firm foundations and does not move -- unless God blows his nose.) 18:15
"The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handywork." 19:1
The sun moves around the earth. 19:4-6
From his seat in heaven, God can see the whole earth and all its inhabitants.
(He sits directly above the earth, which is a flat disc below him.) 33:14-15
Diseases are sent by God to punish sin. 38:3
According to the psalmist, snails melt. But they don't, of course, they simply leave a slimy trail as they move along. 58:8
God is so strong that he can break the head of dragons and of leviathan. 74:13-14
God holds the earth up with pillars. 75:3
Another reference to "the foundations of the earth", implying that the earth is fixed and does not move. 82:5
"Thou hast broken Rahab [the sea monster] in pieces." 89:10
"The world also is established, that it cannot be moved." 93:1
"The world also shall be established that it shall not be moved." 96:10
"The Lord ... who healeth all thy diseases." God heals all diseases. Medical science is unnecessary. 103:2-3
"God ... who stretchest out the heavens like a curtain" (The earth is stationary and does not orbit the sun.) 104:5
"In wisdom hast thou made them all." 104:24
God is offended by those who make things with their hands or invent things with their minds. 106:39
"The LORD is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works." Then why do nearly all animals die painful deaths from starvation, predation, or disease long before they reach adulthood? 145:9
God "satisfiest the desire of every living thing." But in nature few needs are met and few desires are satisfied. Life is short, hard, cruel, and painful for nearly every living thing. 145:17
"He calleth them all by their names."
God knows how many stars there are and knows them all by name. That's pretty impressive since there are 100 billion or so gallaxies, each containing about 100 billion stars. 147:7
"Praise him in the firmament of his power." 150:1
Ecclesiastes
"The sun also ariseth"
Although this verse is interpreted figuratively today, it was taken literally by virtually all Christians until the Copernican revolution, and was used by the Church to condemn Galileo for teaching the heliocentric heresy. 1:5
"He hath made every thing beautiful."
Everything is beautiful in its own way. Parasitic worms, cancer cells, bubonic plague. You just have to look at it from God's eyes. 3:11
"No man can find out the work that God maketh."
Science is impossible. We can learn nothing at all about the natural world. 3:11
Isaiah
"The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb...." I wonder what will become of the spiders. Will they be more friendly toward flies? And will the parasitic wasps find another way to feed their larvae? Or will they continue to feed off the living bodies of caterpillars? 11:6, 65:25
"And the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays. 11:8
God will gather up the people of Judea "from the four corners of the earth." In the Bible's view, the earth is flat with four corners. 11:12
According to the Bible, the moon produces its own light and the earth does not move. 13:10
When God gets really angry, he causes earthquakes. 13:13
Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance there. 13:21-22
Out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent." What ever happened to these fascinating biblical creatures? 14:29
God will turn the earth upside down, knock it off of its foundations, and then shake and bake it until it "reels to and fro like a drunkard." 24:1, 18-20
God will punish the leviathan ("that crooked serpent") with his own sword and will kill the sea dragon. 27:1
Natural disasters (earthquakes, storms, fires, tsunamis) are caused by, and are a sign of, God's wrath. 29:7
Among the many strange creatures mentioned in the Bible that no longer seem to exist is the "fiery flying serpent." 30:6
"The light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun shall be sevenfold." Well, this is one prophecy that will never come true. Since the moon has no light of its own, but only reflects that of the sun, it could never shine like the sun. And the sun will not, at least not while there are humans to see it, shine 7 times as bright as it does now. 30:26
"And the unicorns shall come down with them." 34:7
Dragons and satyrs may not seem real to you, but they did to the author of these verses. 34:13-14
God makes the sun move backwards 10 degrees. Now that's a neat trick! 38:8
The earth is a flat disc that God looks down upon from his throne in heaven. 40:22
Even the dragons honor God. 43:20
God cut Rahab (the sea monster) to pieces, wounded the dragon, and dried up the sea. 51:9-10
Bad people hatch poisonous cockatrice eggs. Whoever eats the eggs will die, and when the eggs are crushed a viper hatches out of them. 59:5
"Neither for brightness shall the moon give light unto thee." Of course the moon doesn't give off light, but only reflects the light from the sun. 60:19
Jeremiah
Droughts are punishments from God. 3:3
"I will send serpents, cockatrices among you, which will not be charmed, and they shall bite you." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays. 8:17
When God gets angry, the earth trembles. (That's what causes earthquakes.) 10:10
The wild asses "snuffed up the wind like dragons." 14:6
The earth is set on foundations and does not move. 31:37
Lamentations
Ostriches are not cruel and inattentive parents, as this verse implies. They are, in fact, careful and attentive parents. The male scoops out a hollow for the eggs, which are incubated by the female during the day and the male at night. After the eggs are hatched, they are cared for by the mother for over a month, at which time the chicks can keep up with running adults. 4:3
Ezekiel
"The firmament ... the terrible crystal, stretched forth over their heads above." 1:22
The world is flat and has four corners. 7:2
The firmament is over the heads of the cherubim. 10:1
God "will cover the sun with a cloud, and the moon shall not give her light." To Ezekiel, the sun is just a little light that can be covered with a cloud, and the moon produces its own light. 32:7
Daniel
The third year of the reign of Jehoiakim would be 606 BCE, at which time Nebuchadnezzar was not yet king of Babylon. It was 597 BCE that Nebuchadnezzar invaded Jerusalem for the first time (without actually destroying it). By that time Jehohiakim was dead and his son, Jehoiachin, was ruling. 1:1
The stone became "a great mountain" that "filled the whole earth." This could only be possible on a flat, disc-shaped earth. 2:35
Daniel's tree is tall enough to be seen from "the end of all the earth." Only on a flat earth would this be possible. 4:10-11, 20
Apparently, the author of Daniel knew of only two Babylonian kings during the period of the exile: Nebuchadnezzar and Belshazzar, who he wrongly thought was the son of Nebuchadnezzar. But Nebuchadnezzar died in 562 BCE and was succeeded by his son, Awil-Marduk (referred to in the bible as "Evilmerodach" [see 2 Kg.25:27 and Jer.52:31]). In 560 BCE, Amel-Marduk was assassinated by his brother-in-law, Nergal-shar-usur. The next and last king of Babylon was Nabonidus who reigned from 556 to 539, when Babylon was conquered by Cyrus. It was Nabonidus, and not Belshazzar, who was the last of the Babylonian kings. Belshazzar was a the son and viceroy of Nabonidus. But he was not a king, and was not the son (or any other relation) of Nebuchadnezzar. 5:2,11,18,22
Darius the Median is a fictitious character whom the author perhaps confused with Darius I of Persia, who came to the throne in 521 BCE, 17 years after the fall of Babylon. The author of Daniel incorrectly makes him the successor of Belshazzar instead of Cyrus. 5:31
To Daniel, the stars are small objects that can fall from the sky and then be "stamped upon." 8:10
"They ... shall shine as the brightness of the firmament." 12:3
Joel
"The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood." These "signs" were a lot more impressive before the causes of solar and lunar eclipses were understood. 2:31
Amos
God destroyed the Amorites who were a race of giants as tall as cedars and as strong as oaks. 2:9
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 2:10
Jonah
God makes "a great fish" to swallow Jonah. And Jonah stayed in the fish's belly for three days and three nights. 1:17
"Now Nineveh was an exceeding great city of three days' journey." That would make it about 60 miles in diameter -- larger than Los Angeles! 3:3
Micah
The earth is set upon strong foundations and therefore does not move. 6:2
Nahum
Tornadoes, earthquakes, and fires are caused by God and are signs of his anger. 1:5
Habakkuk
"The sun and moon stood still in their habitation." This verse apparently refers to Joshua 10:12-13, where God makes the sun stand still. 3:11
Matthew
When was Jesus born? 2:1
"The star ... went before them."
If the star "went before them," leading them to Bethlehem, then it couldn't have been a star or any other astronomical object or event. But Matthew couldn't have known that. Everyone at the time thought that stars were just little points of light a short distance above the earth. It'd be no problem to have one hover above a particular place for a while. 2:9
Herod kills all boys in and around Bethlehem that are two years old and under. Such a massacre would certainly have been noted by contemporary historians. Yet not even Josephus, who documented Herod's life in detail, mentioned this event. 2:16
The devil kidnaps Jesus and takes him up to the top of the temple, and then to the top of "an exceedingly high mountain," high enough to see "all the kingdoms of the world." I guess the earth was flat in those days. 4:8
"Behold the fowls of the air...." Jesus says that God feeds them. But, if so, he does one hell of a lousy job at it. Most birds die before leaving the nest, and the few who manage to fly soon die painful deaths of starvation, predation, or disease. If God is caring for them, pray that he stays away from you. 6:26
Speaking of the birds, Jesus asks: "Are ye not much better than they?" This is meant as a rhetorical question, but the answer is far from obvious to me. I guess to Jesus, though, birds are not worth much compared to humans. So you can do whatever the hell you want with (and to) them. 6:26
According to Matthew, people who cannot speak are possessed by the devil. 9:32-33
Jesus gives his disciples "power against unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal all manner of sickness." 10:1
Jesus tells his disciples to perform all the usual tricks: "heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, and cast out devils." 10:8
God is involved in the death of every sparrow. He sees to it that they each die painful deaths of starvation, predation, or disease. But don't worry. God will do the same for you. (He thinks that humans are worth much more than sparrows.) 10:29. 31
Jesus casts out a devil from a man who was blind and dumb. (Thos we are unable to see or hear are possessed by devils.) 12:22
Some Christians believe that the natural evil in the world (predators, parasites, pain, death) is due to Satan, not God. 13:28
Jesus is incorrect when he says that the mustard seed is the smallest seed. And since there are no trees in the mustard family, mustard seeds do not grow into "the greatest of all trees." 13:31-32
Jesus cures an epileptic "lunatic" by "rebuking the devil." (Epilepsy is caused by devils.) 17:15-18
"The moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven." Apparently, Jesus believed that the moon produces its own light, and that the stars are lights held in place by a firmament only a few miles above our heads. 24:29
Jesus believed that Noah's flood actually happened. 24:37
When Jesus was crucified, there was three hours of complete darkness "over all the land." And when he died, there was a great earthquake with many corpses walking the streets of Jerusalem. It is strange that there is no record of any of these extraordinary events outside of the gospels. 27:45, 51-53
Mark
Jesus is incorrect when he says that the mustard seed is the smallest seed. (The smallest seeds are found among the tropical, epiphytic orchids.) 4:31
"Thy faith hath made thee whole." If you have enough faith, you will never get sick. (Illness is caused by sin and lack of faith. Medical science is unnecessary.) 5:34
Jesus heals a boy with "a dumb spirit" by saying, "Thou dumb and deaf spirit, I charge thee, come out of him and enter no more into him." (Sounds like a script from Monty Python, doesn't it?) But how could a deaf spirit hear the words spoken to it? And how could a dumb spirit cry out? 9:17, 25-26
"But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female."
Jesus believed that sex and Adam and Eve were created "from the beginning." But the universe is about 13.6 billion years old, the earth 4.6 billion, sex a billion years or so, and humans (depending on how you define "human") for a couple million years. 10:6
"In those days ... the moon shall not give her light, and the stars of heaven shall fall." Of course this is nonsense. The billions of stars will never fall to earth and the moon does not produce its own light. 13:24-25
When Jesus was crucified, there was three hours of complete darkness "over the whole land." It is strange that there is no record of this extraordinary event outside of the gospels. 15:33
Luke
When was Jesus born? 2:1
The devil takes Jesus to the top of a mountain and shows him "all the kingdoms of the world." I guess the world was flat in those days. 4:5
Epilepsy is caused by devils. 9:39
People who cannot speak are possessed with devils. 11:14
Illnesses are caused by Satan. 13:11-16
Jesus believed the story of Noah's ark. 17:26-27
Jesus also believes the story about Sodom's destruction. He says, "even thus shall it be in the day the son of man is revealed." This tells us about Jesus' knowledge of science and history. 17:29-32
"And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars." 21:25
When Jesus was crucified, there was three hours of complete darkness "over all the earth." It is strange that there is no record of this extraordinary event outside of the gospels. 23:44-45
John
"These things were done in Bethabara beyond Jordan, where John was baptizing." But no such site is known in history. Some translations (ASV, NAB, NIV, RSV, NRSV) rename Bethabara as Bethany, but Bethany is a suburb of Jerusalem and, therefore, not "beyond the Jordan." 1:28
"If I have told you earthly things, and ye believe not, how shall ye believe, if I tell you of heavenly things?"
Good question, Jesus! He was wrong about creation in Mk.10:6, wrong about the flood in Lk.17:26-27, and wrong about the smallest seed in Mt.13:31-32. So why would anyone believe him when he talks about heaven in Jn.3:16? 3:12
Whoever enters a pool after it is stirred up by angels will be cured of "whatsoever disease he had." 5:4
Jesus believes people are crippled by God as a punishment for sin. He tells a crippled man, after healing him, to "sin no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee." 5:14
The disciples ask Jesus about the cause of a man's blindness. Was it because he or his parents sinned? Jesus said neither had sinned. The man was born blind so that Jesus could show off his powers by curing him of his blindness. 9:1-3
A blind man's sight is restored by washing in the pool of Siloam. 9:7
Acts
"Ye men of Galilee, why stand ye gazing up into heaven?"
This verse was used by a Dominican friar to discourage the use of Galileo's telescope. (Notice the pun on Galileo's name in "men of Galilee".) 1:11
The prophets have spoken "since the world began," which means that humans have been around since the creation of the world. But humans are recent arrivals on an ancient earth. There were no prophets when the earth formed 4.6 billion years ago. 3:21
The sick were healed just by touching the shadow of Peter. 5:15-16
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 7:36, 13:18
Sick people are oppressed by the devil. 10:38
Sick people were cured by touching the handkerchief or apron of Paul. And the evil spirits when out of them." 19:12
Paul is bitten by a poisonous snake and yet lives. The "barbarians" who were shipwrecked with him thought he must be a murderer since he was bitten; but then they changed their minds and thought him to be a god since he didn't die. (The snake story is especially interesting since there are no poisonous snakes on Malta, and there is no evidence of their existence in the past.) 28:3-8
Romans
The existence and nature of God are self-evident. 1:20
The Religious Right often uses Romans 1:21-25 to condemn environmentalists. 1:21-25
Paul claims that before Adam sinned death did not exist. But, of course, death didn't enter the world a few thousand years ago because of Adam's sin. Death has been a part of life since life first arose (on this planet, at least) a few billion years ago. 5:12
Paul says that everyone, even in his day, had the gospel preached to them. Even the Native Americans, Asians, Pacific Islanders? 10:18
1 Corinthians
Paul shows his ignorance (and God's) of biology by saying that only dead seeds will germinate. Actually, a seed must be alive to germinate. 15:36
"All flesh is not the same flesh: but there is one kind of flesh of men, another of beasts."
This verse is used by Creationists to argue against both evolution and any attempt to create "human-animal hybrids" or "chimeras." 15:39
"The first man Adam"
Young Earth Creationists use this verse to support a literal reading of Genesis. "If we cannot believe in the First Adam, why believe in the Last [Christ]?" 15:45
"And afterward that which is spiritual."
Asa Gray, the foremost American botanist in the 19th century and close friend of Charles Darwin, used this verse to support the idea that the Bible is not inconsistent with human evolution. 15:46
2 Corinthians
"As the serpent beguiled Eve"
Young Earth Creationists use this verse to show that Paul believed the creation story in Gen.3:1-6. 11:3
Ephesians
Satan is the "prince of the power of the air." Until modern times Christians believed that Satan was responsible for storms and droughts. 2:2
Colossians
"For by him were all things created.... All things were created by him, and for him.... And by him all things consist." Including guinea worms? 1:16-17
1 Timothy
"For Adam was first formed, then Eve." Young Earth Creationists use this verse to show that Paul believed the creation story in Gen.2:18-22. 2:13
Avoid science, especially that which disagrees with Paul ("science falsely so called"). Other versions translate this phrase as "false knowledge", which may be more correct. However many fundamentalist Christians still use this verse ("science falsely so called") to justify their rejection of any idea, scientific or otherwise, they believe contradicts the bible. 6:20
Hebrews
God set the earth on a foundation; therefore, it does not move. 1:10
James
James says that, even in his day, all beasts, birds, serpents, and sea creatures had been tamed by humans. 3:7
If you are sick, rely on the power of prayer. It works every time. 5:14-15
By praying, Elias was able to keep it from raining for three and a half years. 5:17
2 Peter
Those who disbelieve in the Bible's creation and flood stories are "willingly ignorant." 3:5
"God ... spared not the old world, but saved Noah."
Young Earth Creationists use this verse to show that the New Testament authors believed in the flood story. (So you should too.) 2:4-5
Revelation
"Behold, he cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him." This could only happen on a flat earth. 1:7
Jesus holds seven stars in his hand. Of course, it is possible that this is metaphorical. Perhaps. But it is clear from other verses (6:13, 8:10, 12:4) that John thought of stars as being small, perhaps even small enough for Jesus to hold in his hand. 1:16
"Thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created." God created predators, pathogens, and predators for his very own pleasure. One of his favorite species is guinea worms. 4:11
The sixth seal is opened and there is a great earthquake, the sun becomes black, and the moon red, the stars fall from heaven, and mountains and islands move around. 6:12-14
"And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth...." To John, the stars are just little lights a few miles away that can easily fall to the earth. 6:13
John "saw four angels standing on the four corners of the earth." Well, I guess that settles it: the earth is flat and square-shaped, or at least quadrilateral in shape. 7:1
An angel threw the censer down to earth, causing thunder, lightning, and earthquakes. 8:5
"And there fell a great star from heaven, burning as it were a lamp, and it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters." In the bible, stars are just little lights that can fall to the ground from the sky. 8:10
The fourth trumpet smites one third of the sun, moon, and stars. 8:12
"I saw a star fall from heaven unto the earth." 9:1
God's witnesses have special powers. They can shut up heaven so that it cannot rain, turn rivers into blood, and smite the earth with plagues "as often as they will." 11:6
The dragon's tail smacks down to earth one third of the stars. To the author of Revelation, the stars are just little lights that can fall to the ground from the sky. 12:4
Why are there so many scientific and historical innacuracies in the word of your God?
i am my own god
Reply:They have all of that on another site. Report It
Reply:It takes a solid faith perspective to understand the scriptures, particularly the deeper things, and your not going to have that unless your heart is right with God. Have faith in God. Remember, God's perspective is huge, yours is tiny. Report It
Reply:Repent, and admit that you do not understand. Ask God to help you. Let God change your heart and mind. Report It
Reply:Why are there so many common sense inacuracies with people coming from Apes? Why would we still have Apes? You didn't come from a stew or an Ape. The only other explanation is that there IS a God and if you choose to be against him, which right now you are, you go to hell! Report It
Reply:lol....you can't explain where you came from to a christian...just like a christian can't make you believe that we were created for God's Glory (Genesis 1) if you're just going to present a question and answer it yourself then you're doing nothing more than arguing Report It
Reply:I am not reading all that but if it puts the bible then shame on you! Report It
Reply:wow i love the question im going to print it off so i can read it to others so thank you for your help:) Report It
Reply:Jesus said I am the way the truth the life no man comes to god the father but by me period. Report It
Reply:A few are simple typos....just like when you misspelled the word, "innacuracies" in your question. Report It
Reply:Wow... I now know the people who are in Satan's top 1000 "Take home" list. Have faith in God and you get the chance to be up at heaven and watch sinners turn into BBQ down at hell. Report It
Reply:Wow Pope youre an A** hole. Report It
Reply:The premise of your entire argument is this:
"I disagree, therefore you are wrong."
If you are going to criticise religion, that's fine, but at least do it contructively. Report It
Reply:you will see when judgement day comes. Report It
Reply:If Creationists and Literalists didn't set the tone for this attitude by telling us that every word is a precise and accurate account of fact, I don't think there would be nearly as much of this overboard effort to point out every bit of illogic and inconsistency Report It
Reply:If you are convinced the Bible is flawed, and do not believe in God, why do you continue to post questions about something you "think" you've answered. You hurt no one but yourself with this rebellious attitude, and risk only your own life. Report It
Reply:Boring, and i know exactly what site he copied all that from. Pretty much answers all of them: http://www.gotquestions.org/sk...
Genesis 1 and 2 aren't contradictory at all. Creatures that creep along the ground usually carry deadly diseases. Report It
Reply:What if it happenz on that "day" ?
{He iz the Master of the Day of Judgement} Report It
Reply:There are many many things about the Bible I don't understand. That doesn't make them not true. I don't understand Algebra or a lot of mathematics after addition and subtraction but that doesn't mean they have no basis in truth.
For example: let's say you have this disease and from all your research you know it can do such and such things, OK? So one day you come down with these other symptoms that aren't as far as you know related to your disease. So what do you do? You go to a Dr. A professional. A specialist. Someone who has studied your particular disease. You ask questions and get answers.
If there are things about the Bible you don't understand, then go speak to a professional. Someone who has studied this particular passage and can give you the answers you seek instead of just sitting there and complaining about it.
A pastor, minister or reverend, is just that professional. A specialist in the Bible. Someone who has studied and understands all the so called "inconsistencies"
As I have stated, there are many many things I don't understand. That doen'st stop me from believing.
Reply:Click on the following links for the answers to your many questions.
http://www.biblequestions.org/index.html - Many questions about the Bible are answered here.
http://www.clarifyingchristianity.com/in... - Learn more about Christianity, Early Chuch History, Jesus %26amp; The Bible. Also Got a FAQ list too.
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/... - PBS:FRONTLINE - From Jesus to Christ. Chronicles the lives of the first Christians and offers a portrait of Jesus' world with many views and opinions from many Historians, Archeologist, Biblical Scholars and Skeptics.
http://bibleresources.bible.com/index.ph... - Read the Bible online for yourself.
Also check out the following programs on DVD or video...
PBS:FRONTLINE - From Jesus to Christ: The first christians
The History Channel: Mysteries of the Bible
The History Channel: A History of God
The History Channel: Banned from the Bible
A%26amp;E's: Christianity: Two thousand years
A%26amp;E's: Ancient Secrets of the Bible
Reply:Time and again the archeological and historical reliability of the Bible has been proven. Please read the following links below and and maybe it can provide some answers.
"Archeology and the Bible"
http://www.christiananswers.net/archaeol...
"Hasn't the Bible been rewritten so many times that we can't trust it anymore?"
http://www.carm.org/questions/rewritten....
Reply:Because it was a great story written by an average man who was very charismatic. If you read the book from beginning to end like a Stephen King novel, it's really a great read. It's got it all, sex, murder, joy, sadness, action, war and even magik. Man this book has it all, but you can't take it too seriously.
Reply:Don't worry about it. If your right what any of us believe won't matter in a million years. If you are right then we are all irrelevant, and what I believe and what you believe doesn't matter. So why concern yourself? Go outside, look at the stars and think about how small you really are. God loves you.
Reply:Whew… why the need to point out the discrepancies? If you spent all that time, energy, and effort teaching yourself instead of teaching others… you might find Love and just Who Love is. Hebrews 8:10
Reply:Dang, thats long. But I disagree with you, this world tries to say that the Bible is inacurate, but all that it said would happen, has happend! And all that it said happend, we have found evedence for, or are in the process of finding it. Yet their is practically no evidence for evolution, they have to change things periodically, just for things to work with their theory, since it IS a theory guys, not fact as your Biology teachers may tell you.
Okay look, did you actually read the Bible? Or are they exerpts from some book that you read that says " 100 ways to trying to disprove the Bible!" when they only take bits and pieces of the book and, after all, if you take bits and pieces of any book, you can make it say whatever you want it to say.
Don't take a scientist word for it, read the Bible for yourself! You may learn that their wrong, or they could be right, go find out.
Reply:Consider it the power of naming and perspective. People explain things based on what they know and have experienced. No religion or person (in my opinion) has the answers to everything. Some of the things you "quote" might have been written in context of what were cultural norms at the time it was written. Some people may consider you are arrogant and others may just think you are curious and want to know. Most times things change the more we know about them. Some people don't want to know and for things not to change. Change can be scary or it can be exhilarating. We each have to decide for our selves.
Reply:The bible was written by educated men of their time trying to keep the populace in line by parables and stories. The people who wrote the Old Test. wrote terrible stories to keep people in line by the threat of God's punishment. The new testament was put together 200 yrs after Christ with some writings of the apostles and has been translated and retranslated many times and even slanted at times to conform to whatever regulations the Church put into place. That is why the Bible should not be taken literally. It is not a scientific document but a spiritual teaching document. You must remember that most people of the time were iliterate and creating stories to explain religion was the only means the members of early Christianity had. They believed in Christ as God and wanted to document it and spread the word. If they came back today and were educated I bet they'd be very surprised at what it now says and that people take it literally.
Reply:Whoa, I get the point!
We all know the bible is full of crap, but ... damn ... you didn't need to make a list that long.
Reply:Thank you for showing this to me. I never noticed any of this before. Christianity is a racist folktale.
Reply:Why are you telling believers this on a Religious/Spiritual Site!....Believers know what the Bible says and how to spiritually understand it!......Go get saved and sit under an Anointed Pastor and learn how to Spiritually Understand GOD'S WORD so that you won't be labled as bringing HERESY Against The WORD Of GOD as you try to explain it!
Reply:Whoa Monica whore of Babylon do not torture your fingers like that again! This is the first question that I ever got high off of! It really made me dizzy! I need a break after reading that one! I will come back tomorrow and try to answer it! Were you there when the hand writing appeared on the wall?
Reply:Simple: that so-called deity doesn't exist.
Reply:It sounds like your trying to mock the bible.
Reply:ask a pastier
Reply:why are you such a towelhead asshole???
All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you.--Lev.11:20
Arguments cannot be answered by personal abuse.... Should it turn out that I am the worst man in the whole world, the story of the flood will remain just as improbable as before, and the contradictions of the Pentateuch will still demand an explanation. -- Robert Ingersoll, Some Mistakes of Moses
Genesis
The Genesis 1 creation account conflicts with the order of events that are known to science. In Genesis, the earth is created before light and stars, birds and whales before reptiles and insects, and flowering plants before any animals. The true order of events was just the opposite. 1:1-2:3
God creates light and separates light from darkness, and day from night, on the first day. Yet he didn't make the light producing objects (the sun and the stars) until the fourth day (1:14-19). And how could there be "the evening and the morning" on the first day if there was no sun to mark them? 1:3-5
God spends one-sixth of his entire creative effort (the second day) working on a solid firmament. This strange structure, which God calls heaven, is intended to separate the higher waters from the lower waters. 1:6-8
Plants are made on the third day before there was a sun to drive their photosynthetic processes (1:14-19). 1:11
God lets "the earth bring forth" the plants, rather than creating them directly. Maybe Genesis is not so anti-evolution after all. 1:11
In an apparent endorsement of astrology, God places the sun, moon, and stars in the firmament so that they can be used "for signs". This, of course, is exactly what astrologers do: read "the signs" in the Zodiac in an effort to predict what will happen on Earth. 1:14
God makes two lights: "the greater light [the sun] to rule the day, and the lesser light [the moon] to rule the night." But the moon is not a light, but only reflects light from the sun. And why, if God made the moon to "rule the night", does it spend half of its time moving through the daytime sky? 1:16
"He made the stars also." God spends a day making light (before making the stars) and separating light from darkness; then, at the end of a hard day's work, and almost as an afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars. 1:16
"And God set them [the stars] in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth." 1:17
In verse 11, God "let the earth bring forth" the plants. Now he has the earth "bring forth" the animals as well. So maybe the creationists have it all wrong. Maybe God created livings things through the process of evolution. 1:24
God gave humans dominion over every other living thing on earth. 1:26
God commands us to "be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over ... every living thing that moveth upon the earth." 1:28
"I have given you every herb ... and every tree ... for meat." 1:29
All animals were originally herbivores. Tapeworms, vampire bats, mosquitoes, and barracudas -- all were strict vegetarians, as they were created by God. 1:30
"God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good." He purposefully designed a system that ensures the suffering and death of all his creatures, parasite and host, predator and prey. 1:31
In Genesis 1 the entire creation takes 6 days, but the universe is at least 12 billion years old, with new stars constantly being formed. 1:31
Humans were not created instantaneously from dust and breath, but evolved over millions of years from simpler life forms. 2:7
After making the animals, God has Adam name them all. The naming of several million species must have kept Adam busy for a while. 2:18-22
God fashions a woman out of one of Adam's ribs.
Because of this story, it was commonly believed (and sometimes it is still said today) that males have one less rib than females. When Vesalius showed in 1543 that the number of ribs was the same in males and females, it created a storm of controversy. 2:19
God curses the serpent. From now on the serpent will crawl on his belly and eat dust. One wonders how he got around before -- by hopping on his tail, perhaps? But snakes don't eat dust, do they? 3:14
Because Adam listened to Eve, God cursed the ground and causes thorns and thistles to grow. Before this, according to the (false) Genesis story, plants had no natural defenses. The rose had no thorn, cacti were spineless, holly leaves were smooth, and the nettle had no sting. Foxgloves, oleander, and milkweeds were all perfectly safe to eat. 3:17-18
"There were giants in the earth in those days." Well, I suppose it's good to know that. But why is there no archaeological evidence for the existence of these giants? 6:4
Noah is told to make an ark that is 450 feet long. 6:14-15
Whether by twos or by sevens, Noah takes male and female representatives from each species of "every thing that creepeth upon the earth." 7:8
God opens the "windows of heaven." He does this every time it rains. 7:11
All of the animals boarded the ark "in the selfsame day." 7:13-14
The flood covered the highest mountain tops (Mount Everest?) with fifteen cubits to spare. 7:20
"The windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained." This happens whenever it stops raining. 8:2
Noah sends a dove out to see if there was any dry land. But the dove returns without finding any. Then, just seven days later, the dove goes out again and returns with an olive leaf. But how could an olive tree survive the flood? And if any seeds happened to survive, they certainly wouldn't germinate and grow leaves within a seven day period. 8:8-11
When the animals left the ark, what would they have eaten? There would have been no plants after the ground had been submerged for nearly a year. What would the carnivores have eaten? Whatever prey they ate would have gone extinct. And how did the New World primates or the Australian marsupials find their way back after the flood subsided? 8:19
Noah kills the "clean beasts" and burns their dead bodies for God. According to 7:8 this would have caused the extinction of all "clean" animals since only two of each were taken onto the ark. 8:20-21
"Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth." Although this would have been good advice for the mythical Noah, it is deadly advice for humankind as a whole. Overpopulation is one of our greatest problems, yet there is nothing in the bible to address it. 9:1
According to this verse, all animals fear humans. Although it is true that many do, it is also true that some do not. Sharks and grizzly bears, for example, are generally much less afraid of us than we are of them. 9:2
"Into your hand are they (the animals) delivered." God gave the animals to humans, and they can do whatever they please with them. This verse has been used by bible believers to justify all kinds of cruelty to animals and environmental destruction. 9:2
God is rightly filled with remorse for having killed his creatures. He even puts the rainbow in the sky to remind himself of his promise to the animals not to do it again. But rainbows are caused by the nature of light, the refractive index of water, and the shape of raindrops. There were rainbows billions of years before humans existed. 9:13
Some creationists believe that this verse refers to continental drift, which, they say, began to occur during the days of Pelag (which means "division"), about 100 or so years after the flood. But many other creationists disagree. 10:25
"The whole earth was of one language." But this could not be true, since by this time (around 2400 BCE) there were already many languages, each unintelligible to the others. 11:1, 6
God worries that people could build a tower high enough to reach him (them?) in heaven, and that by so doing they will become omnipotent. 11:4-6
According to the Tower of Babel story, the many human languages were created instantaneously by God. But actually the various languages evolved gradually over long periods of time. 11:9
The ridiculously long lives of the patriarchs. 11:10-32
"And they returned to the land of the Philistines." But the Philistines didn't arrive in the region of Canaan until around 1200 BCE -- 800 years after Abraham's supposed migration from Ur. 21:32, 26:1, 8, 15, 18
Laban learns "by experience" that God has blessed him for Jacob's sake. "By experience" means "by divination", at least that is how most other versions translate this verse. 30:27
Jacob displays his (and God's) knowledge of biology by having goats copulate while looking at streaked rods. The result is streaked baby goats. 30:37-39
God (or an angel) praises Jacob for his fancy genetic work in Gen.30:37-39. 31:11-12
Joseph and his magic divining cup. 44:5, 44:15
Exodus
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 16:35
The Israelite population went from 70 (or 75) to several million in a few hundred years. 1:5,7, 12:37, 38:26
Why are some people born with disabilities? Because God deliberately makes them that way. 4:11
God led the Israelites through the land of the Philistines, hundreds of years before the Philistines were established in Canaan. 13:17
"The manna referred to in the Bible, in Exodus 16:14, seems to have been the dried excrement of Trabutina mannipara, a scale insect that feeds on tamarisk trees." Benjamin B. Normark, The Sex Lives of Scales, Natural History, Sept. 2004. 16:14-15
"In six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them."
Believers often say that the "days" of creation should be taken allegorically, but this verse is quite clear. God created the universe in six 24 hour days. 20:11
Leviticus
The bible says that hares and coneys are unclean because they "chew the cud" but do not part the hoof. But hares and coneys are not ruminants and they do not "chew the cud." 11:5-6
Bats are birds to the biblical God. 11:13, 19
Be sure to watch out for those "other flying creeping things which have four feet." (I wish God wouldn't get so technical!) I guess he must mean four-legged insects. You'd think that since God made the insects, and so many of them (at least several million species), that he would know how many legs they have! 11:23
God's law for lepers: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird in the blood of the dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, and then let the blood-soaked bird fly off. Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood on the patient's right ear, thumb, and big toe. Sprinkle seven times with oil and wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe. Repeat. Finally kill a couple doves and offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. 14:2-52
Numbers
The Israelite population went from seventy (Ex.1:5) to several million (over 600,000 adult males) in just a few generations! 1:45-46
God sends quails to feed his people until they were "two cubits [about a meter] high upon the face of the earth." Taking the "face of the earth" to be a circle with a radius of say 30 kilometers (an approximate day's journey), this would amount to 3 trillion (3x1012) liters of quails. At 2 quails per liter, this would provide a couple million quails for each of several million people. 11:31
God strikes Miriam with leprosy. (In the Bible, leprosy is caused by the wrath of God or the malice of Satan.) 12:10
"And there we saw the giants ... And we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight." This statement may have been figurative, hyperbole, typical biblical exaggeration, or an actual description of the sons of Anak, in which case they must have been about 100 meters tall. These are the same giants (the Nephilium) that resulted when the "sons of God" mated with "the daughters of men in Gen.6:4. Of course these superhuman god-men should have been destroyed in the flood. So what are they doing still alive? 13:33
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 14:33, 32:13
God's cure for snakebite: a brass serpent on a pole. 21:8
God has "the strength of a unicorn." Oh heck, I bet he's even stronger than a unicorn. 23:22, 24:8
Deuteronomy
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 2:7, 8:2, 29:5
"A land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time." (They must have been much more common back then.) 2:10-11, 20-21
Og, the king of the giants, was a tall man, even by NBA standards. His bed measured 9 by 4 cubits (13.5 feet long and 6 feet wide). 3:11
God promises to cast out seven nations including the Amorites, Canaanites, and the Jebusites. But he was unable to fulfill his promise. These nations were "greater and mightier" than the Israelites, who according to Ex.12:37 and Num.1:45-46 already had numbered several million. So the region, according to the bible, must have had a population of more than twenty million! 7:1
This verse mistakenly says that the hare chews its cud. 14:7-8
To the biblical God, a bat is just an another unclean bird. 14:11, 18
"Their wine is the poison of dragons." I wonder what genus and species the bible is referring to when it mentions dragons. 32:33
Joseph's "horns are like the horns of a unicorn." 33:17
Joshua
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 5:6
In Joshua 8 the Israelites destroy Ai and make it a desolate heap. But Ai was an abandoned city by the time of the Israelites and this story is a myth invented to explain the ruins of an ancient city that the Israelites encountered. See Archaeology and Biblical Accuracy by Farrell Till. 8:1-29
This verse says that Ai was never again occupied after it was destroyed by Joshua. But Nehemiah (7:32) lists it among the cities of Israel at the time of the Babylonian captivity. 8:28
In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun stand still so that Joshua can get all his killing done before dark. 10:12-13
"And the coast of Og king of Bashan, which as of the remnant of the giants...." 12:4, 18:6
Judges
"The stars in their courses fought against Sisera." Unless astrology is true, how can the stars affect the outcome of a battle? 5:20
"As the sun ... goeth forth in his might." The sun, according to the bible, goes around the earth. 5:31
1 Samuel
"The pillars of the earth are the LORD's, and he hath set the world upon them. 2:8
Goliath was ten feet tall ("six cubits and a span"). 17:4
2 Samuel
In what is surely a biblical exaggeration, we are told that "the servants of David" killed 20,000 soldiers in one day. And that "the wood [forest] devoured more people that day than the sword devoured." It must have been spooky forest to have devoured more than 20,000 soldiers. There were probably lots of lions and tigers and bears. (Oh my!)18:7-8
The earth shakes, the foundations of heaven move, smoke comes out of God's nostrils, and fire out of his mouth. 22:8-16
How many soldiers did Israel have? This verse says that Judah and Israel had a total of 1,300,000 fighting men (1 Chr.21:5 says 1,570,000) in this battle. Of course, this is a ridiculously high number for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 24:9
1 Kings
This verse implies that the value of p is 3. (The actual value is approximately 3.14159.) 7:23
God creates droughts by causing "heaven to shut up" as a punishment for sin. 8:35
Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king Jeroboam. 13:4
2 Kings
Elisha cures a leper, but only after the leper dips himself seven times in the Jordan. 5:14
Elisha not only can cure leprosy, he can also dish it out. Here he makes his servant (Gehazi) and all his descendants lepers forever. 5:27
A dead body is brought to life when it accidentally touches the bones of Elisha. 13:21
Isaiah, with a little help from God, makes the sun move backwards ten degrees. Now that's quite a trick. All at once, the earth stopped spinning and then reversed its direction of rotation. Or maybe the sun traveled around the earth in those days! 20:11
1 Chronicles
Some creationists believe that this verse (and Gen.10:25) refers to continental drift, which, they say, began to occur during the days of Pelag (which means "division"), about 100 or so years after the flood. 1:19
"The earth ... shall be stable, that it be not moved." It doesn't spin on its axis or travel about the sun. 16:30
According to this verse David's army had 1,100,000 men from Israel and 470,000 men from Judah, Of course, this numbers is ridiculously high for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 21:5 David provides Solomon with a fantastically large amount of gold and silver with which to build the temple: 100,000 talents of gold and 1,000,000 talents of silver. Since a talent was about 60 pounds, this would be about 3,000 tons of gold and 30,000 tons of silver. 22:14
King David collects ten thousand drams (or darics) for the construction of the temple in Jerusalem. This is especially interesting since darics were coins named after King Darius I who lived some five hundred years after David. 29:7
As usual, the reported amounts of gold, silver, and iron are grossly exaggerated. (100,000 talents of iron, for example, would be about 34 million kilograms.) 29:7
2 Chronicles
Since the molten sea was round with a diameter of ten cubits and a circumference of thirty cubits, we know that the biblical value of p is 3. (The actual value is approximately 3.14159.) 4:2
Abijah spoke to 1,200,000 soldiers at one time. (He had a really loud voice.) 13:3-4
500,000 soldiers die in a single God-assisted slaughter. 13:16-17
In the largest single God-assisted massacre in the bible, Asa, with God's help, kills one million Ethiopians. 14:8-14
Asa, when he had a foot disease, went to physicians instead of seeking the Lord. (God disapproves of those who seek medical help rather than "seeking the Lord.") 16:12
God makes Uzziah a leper for burning incense without a license. 26:19-21
Esther
"Haman thought in his heart." Most people think with their heads, but biblical folks think with their hearts. 6:6
Job
The earth rests upon pillars and doesn't move (unless God gets angry or something). 9:6
"Which commandeth the sun, and it riseth not."
The earth is fixed and the sun travels about it. 9:7
Heaven is set upon pillars that tremble when God gets mad. 26:11
The earth is set on foundations and it does not move. 38:4-6
God has snow and hail all stored up to use later "in time of trouble." 38:22
God spread out the sky, which is a solid structure, hard and strong like a mirror. 37:18
Ostriches are not cruel and stupid birds who abandon their eggs to die after laying them, as these verses imply. They are, in fact, careful and attentive parents. The male scoops out a hollow for the eggs, which are incubated by the female during the day and the male at night. After the eggs are hatched, they are cared for by the mother for over a month, at which time the chicks can keep up with running adults. 39:13-16
The bible is wrong about ostriches being cruel and inattentive parents (39:13-16). But if they were, whose fault would it be? Why would God deprive them of the tools that are needed to do the job right? 39:17
Bible believers have identified the behemoth as a hippopotamus, dinosaur, wildebeest, or crocodile. But my favorite is the way these verses are translated by Stephen Mitchell: "Look now: the Beast that I made: he eats grass like a bull. Look: the power in his thighs, the pulsing sinews of his belly. His penis stiffens like a pine; his testicles bulge with vigor." 40:15-16
"Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook? or his tongue with a cord?" 41:1-34
Psalms
The earth shakes whenever God really gets mad. 18:7
"The foundations of the world were discovered ... at the blast of the breath of thy nostrils." (The earth is set on firm foundations and does not move -- unless God blows his nose.) 18:15
"The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handywork." 19:1
The sun moves around the earth. 19:4-6
From his seat in heaven, God can see the whole earth and all its inhabitants.
(He sits directly above the earth, which is a flat disc below him.) 33:14-15
Diseases are sent by God to punish sin. 38:3
According to the psalmist, snails melt. But they don't, of course, they simply leave a slimy trail as they move along. 58:8
God is so strong that he can break the head of dragons and of leviathan. 74:13-14
God holds the earth up with pillars. 75:3
Another reference to "the foundations of the earth", implying that the earth is fixed and does not move. 82:5
"Thou hast broken Rahab [the sea monster] in pieces." 89:10
"The world also is established, that it cannot be moved." 93:1
"The world also shall be established that it shall not be moved." 96:10
"The Lord ... who healeth all thy diseases." God heals all diseases. Medical science is unnecessary. 103:2-3
"God ... who stretchest out the heavens like a curtain" (The earth is stationary and does not orbit the sun.) 104:5
"In wisdom hast thou made them all." 104:24
God is offended by those who make things with their hands or invent things with their minds. 106:39
"The LORD is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works." Then why do nearly all animals die painful deaths from starvation, predation, or disease long before they reach adulthood? 145:9
God "satisfiest the desire of every living thing." But in nature few needs are met and few desires are satisfied. Life is short, hard, cruel, and painful for nearly every living thing. 145:17
"He calleth them all by their names."
God knows how many stars there are and knows them all by name. That's pretty impressive since there are 100 billion or so gallaxies, each containing about 100 billion stars. 147:7
"Praise him in the firmament of his power." 150:1
Ecclesiastes
"The sun also ariseth"
Although this verse is interpreted figuratively today, it was taken literally by virtually all Christians until the Copernican revolution, and was used by the Church to condemn Galileo for teaching the heliocentric heresy. 1:5
"He hath made every thing beautiful."
Everything is beautiful in its own way. Parasitic worms, cancer cells, bubonic plague. You just have to look at it from God's eyes. 3:11
"No man can find out the work that God maketh."
Science is impossible. We can learn nothing at all about the natural world. 3:11
Isaiah
"The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb...." I wonder what will become of the spiders. Will they be more friendly toward flies? And will the parasitic wasps find another way to feed their larvae? Or will they continue to feed off the living bodies of caterpillars? 11:6, 65:25
"And the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays. 11:8
God will gather up the people of Judea "from the four corners of the earth." In the Bible's view, the earth is flat with four corners. 11:12
According to the Bible, the moon produces its own light and the earth does not move. 13:10
When God gets really angry, he causes earthquakes. 13:13
Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance there. 13:21-22
Out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent." What ever happened to these fascinating biblical creatures? 14:29
God will turn the earth upside down, knock it off of its foundations, and then shake and bake it until it "reels to and fro like a drunkard." 24:1, 18-20
God will punish the leviathan ("that crooked serpent") with his own sword and will kill the sea dragon. 27:1
Natural disasters (earthquakes, storms, fires, tsunamis) are caused by, and are a sign of, God's wrath. 29:7
Among the many strange creatures mentioned in the Bible that no longer seem to exist is the "fiery flying serpent." 30:6
"The light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun shall be sevenfold." Well, this is one prophecy that will never come true. Since the moon has no light of its own, but only reflects that of the sun, it could never shine like the sun. And the sun will not, at least not while there are humans to see it, shine 7 times as bright as it does now. 30:26
"And the unicorns shall come down with them." 34:7
Dragons and satyrs may not seem real to you, but they did to the author of these verses. 34:13-14
God makes the sun move backwards 10 degrees. Now that's a neat trick! 38:8
The earth is a flat disc that God looks down upon from his throne in heaven. 40:22
Even the dragons honor God. 43:20
God cut Rahab (the sea monster) to pieces, wounded the dragon, and dried up the sea. 51:9-10
Bad people hatch poisonous cockatrice eggs. Whoever eats the eggs will die, and when the eggs are crushed a viper hatches out of them. 59:5
"Neither for brightness shall the moon give light unto thee." Of course the moon doesn't give off light, but only reflects the light from the sun. 60:19
Jeremiah
Droughts are punishments from God. 3:3
"I will send serpents, cockatrices among you, which will not be charmed, and they shall bite you." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays. 8:17
When God gets angry, the earth trembles. (That's what causes earthquakes.) 10:10
The wild asses "snuffed up the wind like dragons." 14:6
The earth is set on foundations and does not move. 31:37
Lamentations
Ostriches are not cruel and inattentive parents, as this verse implies. They are, in fact, careful and attentive parents. The male scoops out a hollow for the eggs, which are incubated by the female during the day and the male at night. After the eggs are hatched, they are cared for by the mother for over a month, at which time the chicks can keep up with running adults. 4:3
Ezekiel
"The firmament ... the terrible crystal, stretched forth over their heads above." 1:22
The world is flat and has four corners. 7:2
The firmament is over the heads of the cherubim. 10:1
God "will cover the sun with a cloud, and the moon shall not give her light." To Ezekiel, the sun is just a little light that can be covered with a cloud, and the moon produces its own light. 32:7
Daniel
The third year of the reign of Jehoiakim would be 606 BCE, at which time Nebuchadnezzar was not yet king of Babylon. It was 597 BCE that Nebuchadnezzar invaded Jerusalem for the first time (without actually destroying it). By that time Jehohiakim was dead and his son, Jehoiachin, was ruling. 1:1
The stone became "a great mountain" that "filled the whole earth." This could only be possible on a flat, disc-shaped earth. 2:35
Daniel's tree is tall enough to be seen from "the end of all the earth." Only on a flat earth would this be possible. 4:10-11, 20
Apparently, the author of Daniel knew of only two Babylonian kings during the period of the exile: Nebuchadnezzar and Belshazzar, who he wrongly thought was the son of Nebuchadnezzar. But Nebuchadnezzar died in 562 BCE and was succeeded by his son, Awil-Marduk (referred to in the bible as "Evilmerodach" [see 2 Kg.25:27 and Jer.52:31]). In 560 BCE, Amel-Marduk was assassinated by his brother-in-law, Nergal-shar-usur. The next and last king of Babylon was Nabonidus who reigned from 556 to 539, when Babylon was conquered by Cyrus. It was Nabonidus, and not Belshazzar, who was the last of the Babylonian kings. Belshazzar was a the son and viceroy of Nabonidus. But he was not a king, and was not the son (or any other relation) of Nebuchadnezzar. 5:2,11,18,22
Darius the Median is a fictitious character whom the author perhaps confused with Darius I of Persia, who came to the throne in 521 BCE, 17 years after the fall of Babylon. The author of Daniel incorrectly makes him the successor of Belshazzar instead of Cyrus. 5:31
To Daniel, the stars are small objects that can fall from the sky and then be "stamped upon." 8:10
"They ... shall shine as the brightness of the firmament." 12:3
Joel
"The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood." These "signs" were a lot more impressive before the causes of solar and lunar eclipses were understood. 2:31
Amos
God destroyed the Amorites who were a race of giants as tall as cedars and as strong as oaks. 2:9
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 2:10
Jonah
God makes "a great fish" to swallow Jonah. And Jonah stayed in the fish's belly for three days and three nights. 1:17
"Now Nineveh was an exceeding great city of three days' journey." That would make it about 60 miles in diameter -- larger than Los Angeles! 3:3
Micah
The earth is set upon strong foundations and therefore does not move. 6:2
Nahum
Tornadoes, earthquakes, and fires are caused by God and are signs of his anger. 1:5
Habakkuk
"The sun and moon stood still in their habitation." This verse apparently refers to Joshua 10:12-13, where God makes the sun stand still. 3:11
Matthew
When was Jesus born? 2:1
"The star ... went before them."
If the star "went before them," leading them to Bethlehem, then it couldn't have been a star or any other astronomical object or event. But Matthew couldn't have known that. Everyone at the time thought that stars were just little points of light a short distance above the earth. It'd be no problem to have one hover above a particular place for a while. 2:9
Herod kills all boys in and around Bethlehem that are two years old and under. Such a massacre would certainly have been noted by contemporary historians. Yet not even Josephus, who documented Herod's life in detail, mentioned this event. 2:16
The devil kidnaps Jesus and takes him up to the top of the temple, and then to the top of "an exceedingly high mountain," high enough to see "all the kingdoms of the world." I guess the earth was flat in those days. 4:8
"Behold the fowls of the air...." Jesus says that God feeds them. But, if so, he does one hell of a lousy job at it. Most birds die before leaving the nest, and the few who manage to fly soon die painful deaths of starvation, predation, or disease. If God is caring for them, pray that he stays away from you. 6:26
Speaking of the birds, Jesus asks: "Are ye not much better than they?" This is meant as a rhetorical question, but the answer is far from obvious to me. I guess to Jesus, though, birds are not worth much compared to humans. So you can do whatever the hell you want with (and to) them. 6:26
According to Matthew, people who cannot speak are possessed by the devil. 9:32-33
Jesus gives his disciples "power against unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal all manner of sickness." 10:1
Jesus tells his disciples to perform all the usual tricks: "heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, and cast out devils." 10:8
God is involved in the death of every sparrow. He sees to it that they each die painful deaths of starvation, predation, or disease. But don't worry. God will do the same for you. (He thinks that humans are worth much more than sparrows.) 10:29. 31
Jesus casts out a devil from a man who was blind and dumb. (Thos we are unable to see or hear are possessed by devils.) 12:22
Some Christians believe that the natural evil in the world (predators, parasites, pain, death) is due to Satan, not God. 13:28
Jesus is incorrect when he says that the mustard seed is the smallest seed. And since there are no trees in the mustard family, mustard seeds do not grow into "the greatest of all trees." 13:31-32
Jesus cures an epileptic "lunatic" by "rebuking the devil." (Epilepsy is caused by devils.) 17:15-18
"The moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven." Apparently, Jesus believed that the moon produces its own light, and that the stars are lights held in place by a firmament only a few miles above our heads. 24:29
Jesus believed that Noah's flood actually happened. 24:37
When Jesus was crucified, there was three hours of complete darkness "over all the land." And when he died, there was a great earthquake with many corpses walking the streets of Jerusalem. It is strange that there is no record of any of these extraordinary events outside of the gospels. 27:45, 51-53
Mark
Jesus is incorrect when he says that the mustard seed is the smallest seed. (The smallest seeds are found among the tropical, epiphytic orchids.) 4:31
"Thy faith hath made thee whole." If you have enough faith, you will never get sick. (Illness is caused by sin and lack of faith. Medical science is unnecessary.) 5:34
Jesus heals a boy with "a dumb spirit" by saying, "Thou dumb and deaf spirit, I charge thee, come out of him and enter no more into him." (Sounds like a script from Monty Python, doesn't it?) But how could a deaf spirit hear the words spoken to it? And how could a dumb spirit cry out? 9:17, 25-26
"But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female."
Jesus believed that sex and Adam and Eve were created "from the beginning." But the universe is about 13.6 billion years old, the earth 4.6 billion, sex a billion years or so, and humans (depending on how you define "human") for a couple million years. 10:6
"In those days ... the moon shall not give her light, and the stars of heaven shall fall." Of course this is nonsense. The billions of stars will never fall to earth and the moon does not produce its own light. 13:24-25
When Jesus was crucified, there was three hours of complete darkness "over the whole land." It is strange that there is no record of this extraordinary event outside of the gospels. 15:33
Luke
When was Jesus born? 2:1
The devil takes Jesus to the top of a mountain and shows him "all the kingdoms of the world." I guess the world was flat in those days. 4:5
Epilepsy is caused by devils. 9:39
People who cannot speak are possessed with devils. 11:14
Illnesses are caused by Satan. 13:11-16
Jesus believed the story of Noah's ark. 17:26-27
Jesus also believes the story about Sodom's destruction. He says, "even thus shall it be in the day the son of man is revealed." This tells us about Jesus' knowledge of science and history. 17:29-32
"And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars." 21:25
When Jesus was crucified, there was three hours of complete darkness "over all the earth." It is strange that there is no record of this extraordinary event outside of the gospels. 23:44-45
John
"These things were done in Bethabara beyond Jordan, where John was baptizing." But no such site is known in history. Some translations (ASV, NAB, NIV, RSV, NRSV) rename Bethabara as Bethany, but Bethany is a suburb of Jerusalem and, therefore, not "beyond the Jordan." 1:28
"If I have told you earthly things, and ye believe not, how shall ye believe, if I tell you of heavenly things?"
Good question, Jesus! He was wrong about creation in Mk.10:6, wrong about the flood in Lk.17:26-27, and wrong about the smallest seed in Mt.13:31-32. So why would anyone believe him when he talks about heaven in Jn.3:16? 3:12
Whoever enters a pool after it is stirred up by angels will be cured of "whatsoever disease he had." 5:4
Jesus believes people are crippled by God as a punishment for sin. He tells a crippled man, after healing him, to "sin no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee." 5:14
The disciples ask Jesus about the cause of a man's blindness. Was it because he or his parents sinned? Jesus said neither had sinned. The man was born blind so that Jesus could show off his powers by curing him of his blindness. 9:1-3
A blind man's sight is restored by washing in the pool of Siloam. 9:7
Acts
"Ye men of Galilee, why stand ye gazing up into heaven?"
This verse was used by a Dominican friar to discourage the use of Galileo's telescope. (Notice the pun on Galileo's name in "men of Galilee".) 1:11
The prophets have spoken "since the world began," which means that humans have been around since the creation of the world. But humans are recent arrivals on an ancient earth. There were no prophets when the earth formed 4.6 billion years ago. 3:21
The sick were healed just by touching the shadow of Peter. 5:15-16
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than ten days. 7:36, 13:18
Sick people are oppressed by the devil. 10:38
Sick people were cured by touching the handkerchief or apron of Paul. And the evil spirits when out of them." 19:12
Paul is bitten by a poisonous snake and yet lives. The "barbarians" who were shipwrecked with him thought he must be a murderer since he was bitten; but then they changed their minds and thought him to be a god since he didn't die. (The snake story is especially interesting since there are no poisonous snakes on Malta, and there is no evidence of their existence in the past.) 28:3-8
Romans
The existence and nature of God are self-evident. 1:20
The Religious Right often uses Romans 1:21-25 to condemn environmentalists. 1:21-25
Paul claims that before Adam sinned death did not exist. But, of course, death didn't enter the world a few thousand years ago because of Adam's sin. Death has been a part of life since life first arose (on this planet, at least) a few billion years ago. 5:12
Paul says that everyone, even in his day, had the gospel preached to them. Even the Native Americans, Asians, Pacific Islanders? 10:18
1 Corinthians
Paul shows his ignorance (and God's) of biology by saying that only dead seeds will germinate. Actually, a seed must be alive to germinate. 15:36
"All flesh is not the same flesh: but there is one kind of flesh of men, another of beasts."
This verse is used by Creationists to argue against both evolution and any attempt to create "human-animal hybrids" or "chimeras." 15:39
"The first man Adam"
Young Earth Creationists use this verse to support a literal reading of Genesis. "If we cannot believe in the First Adam, why believe in the Last [Christ]?" 15:45
"And afterward that which is spiritual."
Asa Gray, the foremost American botanist in the 19th century and close friend of Charles Darwin, used this verse to support the idea that the Bible is not inconsistent with human evolution. 15:46
2 Corinthians
"As the serpent beguiled Eve"
Young Earth Creationists use this verse to show that Paul believed the creation story in Gen.3:1-6. 11:3
Ephesians
Satan is the "prince of the power of the air." Until modern times Christians believed that Satan was responsible for storms and droughts. 2:2
Colossians
"For by him were all things created.... All things were created by him, and for him.... And by him all things consist." Including guinea worms? 1:16-17
1 Timothy
"For Adam was first formed, then Eve." Young Earth Creationists use this verse to show that Paul believed the creation story in Gen.2:18-22. 2:13
Avoid science, especially that which disagrees with Paul ("science falsely so called"). Other versions translate this phrase as "false knowledge", which may be more correct. However many fundamentalist Christians still use this verse ("science falsely so called") to justify their rejection of any idea, scientific or otherwise, they believe contradicts the bible. 6:20
Hebrews
God set the earth on a foundation; therefore, it does not move. 1:10
James
James says that, even in his day, all beasts, birds, serpents, and sea creatures had been tamed by humans. 3:7
If you are sick, rely on the power of prayer. It works every time. 5:14-15
By praying, Elias was able to keep it from raining for three and a half years. 5:17
2 Peter
Those who disbelieve in the Bible's creation and flood stories are "willingly ignorant." 3:5
"God ... spared not the old world, but saved Noah."
Young Earth Creationists use this verse to show that the New Testament authors believed in the flood story. (So you should too.) 2:4-5
Revelation
"Behold, he cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him." This could only happen on a flat earth. 1:7
Jesus holds seven stars in his hand. Of course, it is possible that this is metaphorical. Perhaps. But it is clear from other verses (6:13, 8:10, 12:4) that John thought of stars as being small, perhaps even small enough for Jesus to hold in his hand. 1:16
"Thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created." God created predators, pathogens, and predators for his very own pleasure. One of his favorite species is guinea worms. 4:11
The sixth seal is opened and there is a great earthquake, the sun becomes black, and the moon red, the stars fall from heaven, and mountains and islands move around. 6:12-14
"And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth...." To John, the stars are just little lights a few miles away that can easily fall to the earth. 6:13
John "saw four angels standing on the four corners of the earth." Well, I guess that settles it: the earth is flat and square-shaped, or at least quadrilateral in shape. 7:1
An angel threw the censer down to earth, causing thunder, lightning, and earthquakes. 8:5
"And there fell a great star from heaven, burning as it were a lamp, and it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters." In the bible, stars are just little lights that can fall to the ground from the sky. 8:10
The fourth trumpet smites one third of the sun, moon, and stars. 8:12
"I saw a star fall from heaven unto the earth." 9:1
God's witnesses have special powers. They can shut up heaven so that it cannot rain, turn rivers into blood, and smite the earth with plagues "as often as they will." 11:6
The dragon's tail smacks down to earth one third of the stars. To the author of Revelation, the stars are just little lights that can fall to the ground from the sky. 12:4
Why are there so many scientific and historical innacuracies in the word of your God?
i am my own god
Reply:They have all of that on another site. Report It
Reply:It takes a solid faith perspective to understand the scriptures, particularly the deeper things, and your not going to have that unless your heart is right with God. Have faith in God. Remember, God's perspective is huge, yours is tiny. Report It
Reply:Repent, and admit that you do not understand. Ask God to help you. Let God change your heart and mind. Report It
Reply:Why are there so many common sense inacuracies with people coming from Apes? Why would we still have Apes? You didn't come from a stew or an Ape. The only other explanation is that there IS a God and if you choose to be against him, which right now you are, you go to hell! Report It
Reply:lol....you can't explain where you came from to a christian...just like a christian can't make you believe that we were created for God's Glory (Genesis 1) if you're just going to present a question and answer it yourself then you're doing nothing more than arguing Report It
Reply:I am not reading all that but if it puts the bible then shame on you! Report It
Reply:wow i love the question im going to print it off so i can read it to others so thank you for your help:) Report It
Reply:Jesus said I am the way the truth the life no man comes to god the father but by me period. Report It
Reply:A few are simple typos....just like when you misspelled the word, "innacuracies" in your question. Report It
Reply:Wow... I now know the people who are in Satan's top 1000 "Take home" list. Have faith in God and you get the chance to be up at heaven and watch sinners turn into BBQ down at hell. Report It
Reply:Wow Pope youre an A** hole. Report It
Reply:The premise of your entire argument is this:
"I disagree, therefore you are wrong."
If you are going to criticise religion, that's fine, but at least do it contructively. Report It
Reply:you will see when judgement day comes. Report It
Reply:If Creationists and Literalists didn't set the tone for this attitude by telling us that every word is a precise and accurate account of fact, I don't think there would be nearly as much of this overboard effort to point out every bit of illogic and inconsistency Report It
Reply:If you are convinced the Bible is flawed, and do not believe in God, why do you continue to post questions about something you "think" you've answered. You hurt no one but yourself with this rebellious attitude, and risk only your own life. Report It
Reply:Boring, and i know exactly what site he copied all that from. Pretty much answers all of them: http://www.gotquestions.org/sk...
Genesis 1 and 2 aren't contradictory at all. Creatures that creep along the ground usually carry deadly diseases. Report It
Reply:What if it happenz on that "day" ?
{He iz the Master of the Day of Judgement} Report It
Reply:There are many many things about the Bible I don't understand. That doesn't make them not true. I don't understand Algebra or a lot of mathematics after addition and subtraction but that doesn't mean they have no basis in truth.
For example: let's say you have this disease and from all your research you know it can do such and such things, OK? So one day you come down with these other symptoms that aren't as far as you know related to your disease. So what do you do? You go to a Dr. A professional. A specialist. Someone who has studied your particular disease. You ask questions and get answers.
If there are things about the Bible you don't understand, then go speak to a professional. Someone who has studied this particular passage and can give you the answers you seek instead of just sitting there and complaining about it.
A pastor, minister or reverend, is just that professional. A specialist in the Bible. Someone who has studied and understands all the so called "inconsistencies"
As I have stated, there are many many things I don't understand. That doen'st stop me from believing.
Reply:Click on the following links for the answers to your many questions.
http://www.biblequestions.org/index.html - Many questions about the Bible are answered here.
http://www.clarifyingchristianity.com/in... - Learn more about Christianity, Early Chuch History, Jesus %26amp; The Bible. Also Got a FAQ list too.
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/... - PBS:FRONTLINE - From Jesus to Christ. Chronicles the lives of the first Christians and offers a portrait of Jesus' world with many views and opinions from many Historians, Archeologist, Biblical Scholars and Skeptics.
http://bibleresources.bible.com/index.ph... - Read the Bible online for yourself.
Also check out the following programs on DVD or video...
PBS:FRONTLINE - From Jesus to Christ: The first christians
The History Channel: Mysteries of the Bible
The History Channel: A History of God
The History Channel: Banned from the Bible
A%26amp;E's: Christianity: Two thousand years
A%26amp;E's: Ancient Secrets of the Bible
Reply:Time and again the archeological and historical reliability of the Bible has been proven. Please read the following links below and and maybe it can provide some answers.
"Archeology and the Bible"
http://www.christiananswers.net/archaeol...
"Hasn't the Bible been rewritten so many times that we can't trust it anymore?"
http://www.carm.org/questions/rewritten....
Reply:Because it was a great story written by an average man who was very charismatic. If you read the book from beginning to end like a Stephen King novel, it's really a great read. It's got it all, sex, murder, joy, sadness, action, war and even magik. Man this book has it all, but you can't take it too seriously.
Reply:Don't worry about it. If your right what any of us believe won't matter in a million years. If you are right then we are all irrelevant, and what I believe and what you believe doesn't matter. So why concern yourself? Go outside, look at the stars and think about how small you really are. God loves you.
Reply:Whew… why the need to point out the discrepancies? If you spent all that time, energy, and effort teaching yourself instead of teaching others… you might find Love and just Who Love is. Hebrews 8:10
Reply:Dang, thats long. But I disagree with you, this world tries to say that the Bible is inacurate, but all that it said would happen, has happend! And all that it said happend, we have found evedence for, or are in the process of finding it. Yet their is practically no evidence for evolution, they have to change things periodically, just for things to work with their theory, since it IS a theory guys, not fact as your Biology teachers may tell you.
Okay look, did you actually read the Bible? Or are they exerpts from some book that you read that says " 100 ways to trying to disprove the Bible!" when they only take bits and pieces of the book and, after all, if you take bits and pieces of any book, you can make it say whatever you want it to say.
Don't take a scientist word for it, read the Bible for yourself! You may learn that their wrong, or they could be right, go find out.
Reply:Consider it the power of naming and perspective. People explain things based on what they know and have experienced. No religion or person (in my opinion) has the answers to everything. Some of the things you "quote" might have been written in context of what were cultural norms at the time it was written. Some people may consider you are arrogant and others may just think you are curious and want to know. Most times things change the more we know about them. Some people don't want to know and for things not to change. Change can be scary or it can be exhilarating. We each have to decide for our selves.
Reply:The bible was written by educated men of their time trying to keep the populace in line by parables and stories. The people who wrote the Old Test. wrote terrible stories to keep people in line by the threat of God's punishment. The new testament was put together 200 yrs after Christ with some writings of the apostles and has been translated and retranslated many times and even slanted at times to conform to whatever regulations the Church put into place. That is why the Bible should not be taken literally. It is not a scientific document but a spiritual teaching document. You must remember that most people of the time were iliterate and creating stories to explain religion was the only means the members of early Christianity had. They believed in Christ as God and wanted to document it and spread the word. If they came back today and were educated I bet they'd be very surprised at what it now says and that people take it literally.
Reply:Whoa, I get the point!
We all know the bible is full of crap, but ... damn ... you didn't need to make a list that long.
Reply:Thank you for showing this to me. I never noticed any of this before. Christianity is a racist folktale.
Reply:Why are you telling believers this on a Religious/Spiritual Site!....Believers know what the Bible says and how to spiritually understand it!......Go get saved and sit under an Anointed Pastor and learn how to Spiritually Understand GOD'S WORD so that you won't be labled as bringing HERESY Against The WORD Of GOD as you try to explain it!
Reply:Whoa Monica whore of Babylon do not torture your fingers like that again! This is the first question that I ever got high off of! It really made me dizzy! I need a break after reading that one! I will come back tomorrow and try to answer it! Were you there when the hand writing appeared on the wall?
Reply:Simple: that so-called deity doesn't exist.
Reply:It sounds like your trying to mock the bible.
Reply:ask a pastier
Reply:why are you such a towelhead asshole???
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