Is it wrong of me to be mad about things in my husbands past?

We just got married. He had been married before and they're wedding was by far better and more exspensive then ours. He didn't want to have another big wedding so we kept it small and intimate. I know all about his previous wedding, seen the pictures and video. He gave his ex diamond braclet, earings and necklace as a gift on the day with flowers delivered to where she was staying. I feel hurt because i didn't even get a card or any of those nice presents. I didnt exspect them, but when his family started asking what i got as a gift to show his love, i had to answer nothing. I got some pretty weird looks, and i was left feeling hurt all day. At his previous wedding he made a lovely speech referring to his lovely wife and how special and beautifull she is,but on our wedding he did not say anything about me or make a toast to me. Is it wrong of me to be upset about it? And how do let my husband now how i feel...should i say i'm upset?

Is it wrong of me to be mad about things in my husbands past?
Yes you have the right to feel upset.


Yes you should talk to him, but nicely.


He may have valid reasons for his actions.


Who are these people???? What right have they to judge you?? why do you care?


I aint saying she a gold digger...








The feelings that you have are valid even if you are in the wrong or if you have misinterpreted the situation, you still feel hurt.





If you bury those emotions now, they will come back and get you later. I think you should tell him what happened as objectively as you can and explain that it made you feel hurt. Then you must listen to his response and give him the chance to put it right.





However, this should inform him not to be so stingy and to pay you some attention and give reasurance (dont say that though, wait for his actions).





Perhaps he didnt do the same for your wedding because he didnt want a replay of an event that didnt end happily for him. He may not have wanted to create a similar wedding memory as he would then associate yours with the previous and could feel distressed by this. It would have been very hard for a man to be so creative that he could think of an alternative style of wedding ceremony.





You would have been perfectly happy if those people hadnt told you as you said that you didnt expect all of that rubbish! So its not him who upset you but them. Maybe these people were not malicious, but just lack simple tact and diplomacy.





Men are so bad at discussing things and the big day would be completely the wrong time. Maybe he really wasnt aware of these foot in mouth sufferers.





Some people are very shallow and need a lot of bling to feel loved. If you have a true love relationship, then you have something that can evoke jeaslousy in many people.





Was his ex was a gold digger? and would she have accepted him without being bought off? You are not her, which could be why he has chosen to be with you. Its sounds like the effort put into his last wedding may have been to passify a demanding, volitile person (he might have been afraid of her!)





So she has a load of jewelry from Argos which she has probably pawed off, the card, recycled and the flowers are dead. You have him, which do you prefer?





The money that he didnt spend on tacky bangles can now be used to create happy, true love memories together.
Reply:What is important is that you know he loves you and that he treats you well. Everything else is bullshit.
Reply:I think you should at least lt him know that you were hoping for at least some heart felt words from him..if not the presents......your marrage should be open and honest...from the start....be committed to the idea that you will be open and honest with each other from the start....you should not be holding back at this point in your relationship....this is the begining...keep it open
Reply:It's okay to be upset at and discuss this matter. Try to avoid speaking in anger however. One spouse should always be willing to entertain the concerns of the other.





Most assuredly your husband's wish to avoid another big wedding was at your expense. It's a special day that should have been more special to him as well.
Reply:This is not his past it is the present. What he did for his past wife should not be an issue you were not involved. the issue is now does you financial situation allow him to buy these things?





the last wedding sounds like show and bravado is that what you want, discuss it with him.





his relationship with you is different to his previous one but you both have to be happy and remember the resources of the family belong to both, what did you do for him?
Reply:I feel that you are acting childish. Do you not understand that his first marriage failed, possibly because she was a spoiled little witch. You really want him to treat you as he treated her? I would expect that any 2nd wife wouldn't want their husband to compare her to the first wife. You really need to sit back and see how petty this is. Your behavoir is expressing resentment towards your husband simply because you feel as if you got a knock off wedding compared to his first wedding. Which I feel is your own fault since you didn't express your wishes for your wedding. You didn't communicate with him rather you just agreed probably because at the time getting married was good enough. But now after the fact you resent him for the decisions you both agreed on. I understand that you long for the romance he gave his first wife. But you must understand that he is older and wiser. He might just feel that his ex's high expectations is what got them in divorce court in the first place. She could have just kept demanding more of him. You don't want to present yourself like the ex. He might see you as more down to earth and laid back, not such high maintenance. Which is a beautiful thing when you are used to dealing with self absorbed people. He married you for you, because he loves you. It is obvious this bothers you, so you must communicate those feelings with him. I wouldn't put it like you told us as you just might hurt his feelings. To him, marrying you was all he wanted and all he needed. He might not understand you needed more, so approach him with well thought out words. Always, always communicate your feelings with your husband. No communication eventually turns into divorce. Good Luck %26amp; God Bless!
Reply:Why would you want your wedding to be similar to one that didn't work out?





I understand that this is difficult for you, but he wouldn't have married you if he didn't love you - and no amount of diamond bracelets, necklaces or earrings can equal that. Maybe he didn't really want a big expensive wedding the first time round, its just that he was forced into it by his ex.





He probably should've made a toast to you at the wedding, I agree with that. The only thing that is going to stop you from feeling like this is talking to him - tell him that you had a wonderful day but that you were disappointed that he didn't make a toast to his bride. x
Reply:she can not have been that special if he binned her . is marriage just for expensive gifts.





surely love trust and support in hard times are worth more than all the worlds diamonds.


dont be so shallow and dwell on material things ,oh and good luck it seems as though you need it
Reply:First of all, why are you comparing yourself to your husband's first wife?? Obviously that relationship didn't last...so why be so concerned? Maybe you should give your husband a little credit because it seems like he is trying to make things different this go-around. You should also take a look at the way you are feeling and your concerns...if you weren't expected lavish gifts or anything, then why were you so down for the duration of your big day??
Reply:I can understand your upset, after all, this was your first time, your day. For him it was abit of a been there done that, sort of day. I thnk he may not have realised his insensivity but please dont let that spoil your relationship. Tell him that you understand that he might have prefererred a low key wedding because of the past but that it's hurt you that he couldnt have remembered that this was your only wedding day with him and wanted it to be abit more special from his side. Good luck for the future anyway.
Reply:Ooof. I think I would be pretty upset at this. Can I ask why you put yourself through watching his last wedding video? I can't see myself doing that. It would seem that his ex has totally changed him and he is much more guarded in showing his affection/love. Although I have to say the whole big wedding circus is a piece of nonsense and an expense the average person would have trouble paying for just once in their lives never mind twice. Her family may have paid for most of it, you don't know that. Do you really need expensive gifts and for him to gush in front of your nearest and dearest in order to feel loved and valued by him? He has obviously privately felt a fool for doing this the first time round and it ending the way it did.





Speak to your husband and don't let it fester but acknowledge his reasons for not doing this. Remember he is married to you now, don't let the shadow of a third past person ruin that.
Reply:Yes, its wrong of you.





So he did all of these things with her. Including a divorce, apparently. Do you really want everything that he gave her? Perhaps he feels that all the things he did before weren't the right things, since their marriage didn't work out.
Reply:the past is the past ,, its the future what counts?
Reply:No, you should not say anything. You knew he was married before, and what they did and how they did it is in the past.


You must concentrate on you and him and the now. It doesn't do you any good to compare stuff with his first wife. He obviously can't feel about you the same way he did about her.
Reply:two things here


1. stop trying to compete with his ex. It only leads to heartache. accept that he has a past as i sure you do, but it is past and he has chose to be with you not his ex


2. Think you need to sit down and talk to him and explain how you feel
Reply:Oh sweetie, why are you being so hard on yourself? The man went through a marriage and divorce and in doing that, probably never ever expected to or wanted to fall in love and/or marry again. But he's done that with you. Maybe not as spectacularly, but really is that how you measure his love for you???


How do you know all these things about his previous wedding ceremony anyway? Where you there??? Has he talked in that much detail about it or shown you videos (which I would agree might be a bit insensitive).


Last thing I would recommend, is you rent the DVD or look out for it on TV........a film called "Rebecca" with Lawrence Olivier and Joan Fontaine".


Just like your situation only I'm guessing he didn't murder his first wife!!! No really, watch it....it's all about the second wife's inferiority feelings to the first.
Reply:hell no u shouldn't be upset he shouldn't of been going on about his ex and what he got her and that i wouldn't of watched the video or looked at the photos. i would of burnt them. maybe he realised that it cost him alot of money to keep that women happy and u don't need a lot to be happy a little something from him would of been nice. i just don't know. men r weird
Reply:well the first thing you should ask yourself is if you had never known all those things he did wit the other wife would you still be upset if he did not do them with you but for what it's worth i don't think you are wrong by being upset cause i would be too i know you feel like maybe he do not love you the way he loved her but i think you should let him know how you feel tell him you are upset because you expected much more than what he gave you which was nothing and see how he reacts on that because from the sound of things he put a lot of effort into what he did for her you have a right to be mad trust me
Reply:It sounds like he doens't want to repeat the mistakes from the past. Tell him (and his family) that you have no interest in seeing videos and pictures from marriage #1. He has a new life now. Of course you're upset and it's valid. If you have a close relationship, talk to your husband about it. Don't come off sounding like a whiner.





Do you really want to spend the rest of your life comparing yourself to his ex? It may seem unfair, like she got more, but YOU got HIM. Maybe he doesn't want to compare weddings either. How would you feel if your two wedding were identical and one day he said "Hey, why don't you wear that braclet I gave you anymore?". Holy carp, that would tick you off wouldn't it. Would you want to hear the words he spoke about wifey #1 said about you, too? Plus, maybe his ex's family paid for the first wedding and he couldn't afford the same things.





Your memories are your memories. It's not about how much money he spent or what gifts he gave you. Did you have a nice wedding? Where you family and friends there? Those are the things to remember. Everything else is just "stuff".
Reply:I can see why you're upset. And I probably would be too. But maybe he's just trying to do things completely different from the first one so that it won't end up the same way. You need to talk to him about it.
Reply:I understand completely, and I would feel the same way. However, it could be that he feels that all the surface stuff is irrelevant now he's found the right woman - I mean, he gave all that stuff to his previous wife, but the marriage didn't last. It does seem a little odd that he's shown you all of the photos, video etc and that you know all about the gifts. I think you should just tell him that you feel a little jealous and ask for reassurance - he maybe just really doesn't realise that you're hurt. As far as a token of his love, he's married YOU, and that has to count for something.
Reply:keep your problems about your wedding just about your wedding, and yeah by all means talk to him about it, but don't at anytime compare your wedding to any of his previous-ones or yourself to any partners he has had, as this will only drive him away from you.


my husband has been married twice before me, his first was a huge White expensive wedding, his second was at the local registry office, the same one we got married at. it didn't deter me one bit as it was ME he was marrying. no one else.


like my husband, what your hubby has done in the past is something that you can do nothing about. nor can he if he has dissagreements about you had done before he came into our life.


you don't have to like it but you have to accept it or forget it in order to make your marriage work.


my hubby didn't get me anything on our wedding day, and i didn't get him anything.


any propblem you have that has happended during your relationship you have every right to confront, but make sure it's not because of an attack of the green eyes monster, and only for genuine reasons you feel will effect your marriage later on.


hope this helps.


xxx
Reply:Comparing can be a dangerous game...but i do believe in communication. Its important to get things out in the open, because if this has not been discussed you might actually be assuming already why your husband has been the way that he is. Until you speak to him you are not giving him the Chance too explain himself, thus causing yourself more distress. It isn't the case of that wedding being better than this wedding what you need to think about is what have your husband and you got...it must be special because you wouldn't of got married in the first place had it not been. The gift you have to show each other love is eternity together and each other that is far more precious than any necklace or present. I wish you all the best in your marriage...reflect on what you have not what you haven't got





x x
Reply:You need to stop comparing your wedding to his first wedding. Obviously his first marriage failed. Maybe he's more concerned about this marriage and wasn't as worried about the wedding itself. I think it's pretty petty of you to be comparing the two. Not to sound mean, but you're sounding very materialistic and selfish. He loves you, why does he need to buy you expensive gifts and a huge wedding with all the trimmings to prove it?
Reply:Tooo right you should
Reply:ok so his first marraige did'nt work out but he married you and so he must still have alot of hope that he picked the right girl this time. The fact that the 2 weddings were so different speaks volumes about how he feels about you, he was not caught up in the trivialities of material gifts but instead had a simple day to announce his love for you, you have each other dont worry about diamond necklaces, thats probably one of the things he disliked about his ex. Her materialism may have taken over. I would get rid of or at least put away the video and pictures of his first wedding and replace them with things that are about you 2. He was not so damaged that he never married again, he chose you so you should now concentrate on your lives together, some women concentrate on the small insignificant things when really the most important thing is your relationship and lasting the race together. life is too short to be hung up on presents and fancy stuff, get on with your lives now and forget his past, it's his not yours. Good luck and I hope you 2 have a long and happy life together.
Reply:NO ITS NOT WRONG. you should tell your husband how you feel and that he hurt you or it will nag at you. i don't think he did it to hurt you but the way he behaved was out of order just because he has done it before should not mean your is not special and i think that's how you feel. TELL HIM
Reply:It could be he didn't do those things because the marriage had failed that is a bitter part of his past. It could also be because that was a younger type love ( I hope you understand what I mean by that). Do you believe your husband loves you? If you do then just move on with your marriage don't be hurt. Remember she may have gotten all those materialistic things but there marriage did not work.
Reply:Try not to compare weddings. We all know that sometimes things may be all "glitz and glamour" and behind closed doors, it may be a different matter. He's on a 2nd marriage, isn't he?





Another thing you have to consider is, if your husband is traditional, he is following the rule about having a small marriage if it's his 2nd time. Who knows, but don't get too upset about it. He's with YOU not her. You should feel special.
Reply:Huh! Grow the hell up people. Why are you comparing what he did with some other chic with what he did with you? Maybe he didn't have the money to do all that. Or maybe you need to be glad cause even though he did all that he ended up divorced. Leave it alone. In the lifetime you guys gonna have together you gonna get that and more. No gift can fully express what one person feels about another. Can't believe that you are on this level when the man has asked you to marry him and all you can focus on is where are all my lavish gifts. Don't start the marriage of on a selfish note. As far as bringing it up to him I say go for it but I'd say you are better off not being upset about it. Just say you didn't feel he showed you that same level of love and that that hurt your feelings. Not upset you.
Reply:By the way, you are comparing yourself to his EX. Do you want all those nice things so that you can be his next EX?





I would think that if you REALLY wanted to be with him none of that would matter. It sounds like you are a gold-digging W hore